I Got the Hook Up

Man: UH! HA HA!

Woman: GIRL, YOU DONE FUCKED IT UP FOR ME.

I WAS GETTING MY HAIR DONE.

Different woman: LISTEN, I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS UP YOUR HAIR,

BUT BLUE SOLD ME A BAD DAMN TV.

WELL, SEE, FUCK THEM BALLERS.

SEE, I'M TRYING TO GET MY HEAD ON

BECAUSE YOU KNOW I GOT A DATE TONIGHT.

WHO YOU GOT A DATE WITH?

CLYDE.

CLYDE? WHY YOU GOING OUT WITH CLYDE?

HE'S STUPID.

CLYDE GOT A BIG DICK, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YEAH, BUT, BESSIE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS A VIRGIN.

I AM A VIRGIN. I'VE BEEN A VIRGIN FOR 5 YEARS.

MATTER OF FACT, I'M TRYING TO GET MY GOLDEN PUSSY

SO I CAN RETIRE.

JUST COME ON AND HELP ME GET THIS TV FIXED.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHERE THE FUCK YOU GET THIS CART FROM?

I THINK IT'S WORKING ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, OK. YOU RUN OVER MY CORN,

I'M PUTTING MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS,

AND YOU'LL SEE HOW GOOD IT WORKS.

I TOLD YOU TO GET THAT PEDIFURE.

IT'S PEDICURE, BITCH.

YOU IS A--

DAMN, CARLA.

I DONE MISSED THE SOAP OPERAS,

THE TALK SHOWS, AND THE NEWS.

NO, BESSIE. I TURNED THE VCR ON.

BESSIE, WHAT YOU YOU GOT, YOUR MOTHERFUCKING TV?

OH, I'M SORRY. BESSIE, I DIDN'T KNOW.

YOU'S A SORRY ASS.

HURRY UP SO I CAN GO FINISH GETTING MY HAIR DONE.

IT'S GONNA LOOK REAL PRETTY WHEN IT'S FINISHED.

IT SHOULD HAVE LOOKED PRETTY RIGHT NOW. KEEP PUSHING.

WHY DON'T YOU ALL GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY?

MOVE.

LOOK OUT. SOMEBODY COMING THROUGH WITH A TV.

GET BACK!

MOVE!

OH, DAMN!

IF IT AIN'T THE GHETTO TWINS--UG AND LY.

Y'ALL GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. WE'RE CLOSED.

AAH.

Carla: ...HAIR DONE IS WHAT YOU NEED.

Bessie: WELL, I WOULD HAVE GOT MY HAIR FINISHED

IF YOU WOULDN'T PAYING FOR YOUR BUSINESS.

"HELP ME. HELP ME. I CAN'T GET MY MONEY BACK."

Woman: SIGN HERE, THERE, AND THERE.

WE'LL NOTIFY YOU WITHIN 40 MINUTES

IF YOUR CREDIT HAS BEEN APPROVED, OK?

OK.

Bessie: ...ALL THE WAY UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

WHO'S THAT?

IT'S JUST NASTY MOUTH CARLA

AND HER SISTER BAD MOUTH BESSIE.

THEY'RE GOOD CUSTOMERS.

WELL, WHY SHE CURSE LIKE THAT?

THEM GIRLS ARE VICTIMS OF A CUSSING HOUSEHOLD.

EVERYTHING IS MOTHERFUCKER THIS, MOTHERFUCKER THAT,

AND THAT'S WHEN THEY IN CHURCH.

JESUS, JESUS, JESUS.

PRAY FOR THEM.

I WILL.

NO REFUND, MY ASS.

BLUE AND BLACK, SOMEBODY BETTER GIVE US BACK

OUR MOTHERFUCKING MONEY, OR YOU GONNA GET

YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS WHUPPED.

THAT'S RIGHT. SOMEBODY GONNA GET

THEIR MOTHERFUCKING ASS WHUPPED.

BLUE, HOW YOU GONNA SELL US THIS SAD-ASS TV?

DISAPPEAR, YOU BLIND MONKEY BITCHES

BEFORE I GET OUT MY "BITCH BEGONE" SPRAY AND SPRAY YOU.

BITCH BEGONE. BITCH BEGONE.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU CAN TALK YOUR SISTER INTO

GIVING ME SOME OF THAT ASS,

MAYBE I'LL GIVE YOU A COUPLE OF DOLLARS.

YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA GET NONE OF THIS SHIT.

ALL I NEED ARE 5 PUMPS.

MATTER OF FACT, GIVE ME 4.

I WOULDN'T EVEN NEED THE FIFTH ONE.

FIRST OF ALL, WHO ARE YOU CALLING

LITTLE PUNK BITCH, MOTHERFUCKER?

I GOT STRETCH MARKS BIGGER THAN YOU.

ANYWAY, YOUR GRANDMA'S A...

BITCH!

HA.

YOUR BREATH SMELL LIKE SHIT!

SITTING THERE LOOKING LIKE

WESLEY WHEN HE DID "TO WONG FU."

I'M GONNA BE PASSING A .56 ALL UP IN YOUR ASS

IF YOU DON'T GIVE US OUR MONEY BACK.

THAT'S NOT THE NAME OF THE MOVIE, BI--

YOU'S A DUMB, LITTLE, SHORT TWO-INCH BITCH.

YOU TALKING ABOUT MY HEIGHT OR YOUR DICK?

YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BIG.

I SHOULD WHIP MY DICK OUT AND PUT IT UP YOUR ASS--

CAN I HAVE MY MONEY BACK?

Blue: SHOVE YOUR FINE ASS OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I SNATCH YOUR FUCKING WEED...

WHAT'S GOING ON? BLUE, MAN?

BITCHES, DAWG.

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS

AROUND HERE, DAWG?

Blue: FUCK THIS UGLY BITCH.

IT'S BUSINESS, BITCH.

WHAT'S UP, CARLA, BABE?

FUCK YOU, BUBBLES.

BLACK.

WHAT'S UP, BABY? YOU ALL RIGHT?

I WANT MY MOTHERFUCKING MONEY BACK.

NOW, YOU KNOW ALL SALES ARE FINAL, BABY.

BUT I HATE TO HAVE A DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER.

SINCE I'M SWEET ON YOU, I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

DON'T FALL FOR THAT SHIT, BITCH.

TAKE THIS RAGGLY MOTHERFUCKER TO 122nd STREET

TO OUR REPAIR SHOP, TELL THEM YOU'RE ONE OF BLACK'S HONEYS,

AND THEY'RE GONNA FIX IT FOR YOU.

HOW WE GONNA CARRY THAT SHIT BACK TO 122nd STREET, BLACK?

Blue: PUT IT ON YOUR BACK.

Black: HOLD ON. HOLD ON, MAN.

CUSTOMER SERVICE, BABY.

CUSTOMER SERVICE, MY ASS. DAMN.

DON'T YOU WORRY, BABY.

I'LL PUT IT ON MY PERSONAL ACCOUNT, YOU HEARD ME?

MAKE SURE SHE DON'T HURT THAT THING

WHILE Y'ALL ARE GOING OVER THERE, HEAR?

CARLA.

HEY, FUCK THE 4 PUMPS.

JUST GIVE ME TWO PUMPS AND A GRIND.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON, BLUE, MAN.

YOU AIN'T GONNA NEVER GET NO COOCHIE LIKE THAT.

MAN, FUCK THAT, MAN.

WHY'D YOU SEND THEM OVER THERE TO OUR REPAIR SHOP, MAN?

EVERYBODY KNOW OUR GODDAMN POLICY.

NO REFUNDS.

YOU SCARED MR. MIMS GONNA FUCK BEFORE YOU?

HOW COME HE'S SUCH A MAC AND YOU AIN'T GOT NO GAME AT ALL, DAWG?

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? FORGET ABOUT IT.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO START THAT SHIT NO MORE.

WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, DAWG?

YOU'S A PUNK ASS MOTHER. LEAVE IT ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

BOY, YOU GONNA MAKE ME WHUP YOUR ASS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING, DAWG.

YOU RUN YOUR MOUTH TOO MUCH.

YOU LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR MOUTH,

YOU MIGHT FUCK BOTH OF THEM.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCK BOTH OF THEM.

I'LL FUCK CARLA, BUT THAT BESSIE-LOOKING BALD-HEADED UGLY BITCH,

I WOULDN'T FUCK HER IN--GODDAMN, IF I WAS ON PAROLE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WOULDN'T FUCK HER IN PUBLIC.

NOW, I CATCH THE BITCH LIKE LATE-NIGHT BY A DOGHOUSE,

OH, I'D TEAR THAT ASS UP.

RUFF! RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF!

YEAH, DAWG.

UGLY NAPPY-HAIRED FUCKER.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE 9000 BUILDING,

A MR. GOLDSTEIN.

ALL THE NUMBERS SEEM TO BE MISSING AROUND HERE.

THEY SENT A GOLD MINE IN THE GHETTO.

SHIT. JUST LIKE REGINALD DENNY.

I WANT A REFUND.

NO. I CAN SAY NO IN A LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS.

FRENCH--NO OUI OH. SPANISH--EL NO OH.

BABY TALK--UH-UH. BLACK PEOPLE--HELL, NO.

THIS IS THE 9000 BUILDING RIGHT HERE.

WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

MR. GOLDSTEIN.

THAT'S ME, BABY. I'M MR. GOLDSTEIN.

YOU'RE MR. GOLDSTEIN?

WHAT YOU SAYING THERE? YOU THOUGHT I WAS SAMMY OR WHOOPI OR SOMETHING?

OH, OH, NO.

YOU NEVER SEEN A BLACK MR. GOLDSTEIN?

Blue; OUT OF MY GODDAMN WAY.

Black: WHO YOU IS-- MISTER ROGERS?