The New Normal

Are you pushing it?

- Push it! - I have fingers! It just goes, "Bing."

Is it "bing" or "bing?"

Bing. Bing. It's a bad bing.

Makes the sound of terminal cancer,

or my mother pressing me for an intimate lunch.

Got it.

Is this video thingy gonna work now? 'Cause it's important.

You like these shoes? You bought 'em

for my birthday last week.

Great. Now you can eat the leaves at the top of the tree.

Half giraffe, half drag queen, honey.

Hi. It's me, Bryan Collins.

But you won't know me as that.

You will know me as... Dad.

Maybe even Daddy.

Oh, God, I think I would just die if you called me Daddy.

Um...

this video is to show you...

how desperately you were wanted.

And how much we love you.

You're our baby.

We are just so excited to meet you.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

I should go back to the beginning.

See, this fairytale began in a faraway land called Ohio,

where four very different people,

against all odds, ended up becoming a family.

Would you look at that?

Just strutting down the middle

of Buck Eye Road in broad daylight,

proud as gay peacocks.

- Why shouldn't they be, Nana? - Don't call me that.

- I don't look old enough to be a grandmother. - Great-grandmother.

I happen to love the gays. I could never get my hair

- to look this good without 'em. - Seems like they love each other, so...

Oh, and now with the PDA?

Those ass campers have some nerve.

Nana, those are lesbians.

Those are ugly men.

Oh.

- What did you forget this time? - My name tag.

- I need it for work. - I don't understand.

You were always so pretty.

You're almost as pretty as I was

at your age, and then you...

you got knocked up.

You pissed it all away.

You wasted your entire life.

Thanks for the pep talk, Nana.

You were a year older than me when you had my mom.

I was married. I thought

your mother was a fibroid tumor.

By the time I figured it out,

she had a face, and I was screwed.

So, if I actually plan to have a baby someday,

that would be a family first?

I should have become a nun.

Say it.

The United States is the most powerful country on Earth.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh! Goldie!

Baby, I... I can explain.

I was gone six minutes.

Six.

How is this even possible?

Was she hiding in the bushes when I left?

Tool shed.

- Oh. - Oh.

I buy it in bulk.

You'll need it for his tighty whiteys.

Let's just say, the man's not

real detail-oriented back there, so...

Oh, and, um... one last thing?

I've kind of given up on my life.

I forgot to dream.

I forgot I want it all.

Every last drop, and this...

this was the last push I needed to remember that, so thank you.

Congratulations.

He's all yours.

So, are you thinking about joining

the Brownies this year? Did I ever tell you

that I set my troop's record for cookie sales?

In spite of that Mindy Goldfarb trying to Jew down my customers.

Nana, you're a bigot.

I'm unfriending you right now.

I am extremely tolerant to all peoples.

When they opened that Chipotle here,

I was the first of my friends to go.

And that is Spanish food.

Still unfriended.

Now why are you crying?

Did you just realize that you were a grown woman

walking around in public in an apron?

My whole life, I've wanted to leave Clay,

and now I have the greatest excuse in the world.

Oh, please. You caught him singing Springsteen

on the toilet before.

Mmm, the man was on a date.

In my own bed.

What kind of closet space

are we talking about here?

I'm gonna need lots of room for my wigs.

You're not moving in unless you're real good at making food.

You, Hello Kitty, out.

Whoa. Hey.

- That is a toy, right? - You know something, Clay?

I have put up with you for the past nine years.

I've put up with your

ridiculous Fozzie Bear impersonations,

with your self-diagnosed narcolepsy.

No. That's real. It's not just naps.

I can't think of anything else to do except to kill you.

Now, unfortunately, I couldn't live in prison

without my Lean Cuisine.

So I am open to other options.

I've always found you to be really sexy, Nana.

Oh, put that gherkin away.

What's a gherkin?

A tiny pickle.

That's messed up.

Hey, baby?

You ever think about going someplace amazing?

Somewhere you've never, ever been before?

- Every single day. - Like where?

I want to drive to Hawaii.

I think we can make it to Honolulu on half a tank.

Pretty good for Tex, and now he'll run with it...

Hey, babe.

Hey, no people food for Smelly.

Oh, he loves it.

I have to tell you something.

Got to wait till halftime, sweetie.

Is that when Madonna sings?

Okay, so, I was shopping...

A question for you.

Are you sure I don't look like Mary Tyler Moore in these?

Do you want to look like Mary Tyler Moore?

Well, not the hair, obviously,

but yes, yes, I do.

Mmm. Here we go. Five-yard line. Here we go.

- Money! Here we go! - Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Fine, fine, I will hurry it up, but I was just trying

- to paint you a picture. - Okay, what? Yes.

Oh, my God, that is the cutest thing I have ever seen.

I must have it.

He is going to be a star...

Bry, we have to talk about your dieting.

Honey, when I saw that miniature person,

whose skin was flawless, by the way,

I really got it.

I want us

to have baby clothes...

and a baby to wear them.

He's got the first down and more!

Past the 45, out of bounds at the 47...

Sweetie, you know you can't return a baby to Barneys.

David... look,

you are the kindest man

I have ever had the pleasure to love.

You would be an amazing father.

You would feed the child,

and bathe him and care for him in the middle of the night

when he has rubella, or anything else contagious.

- How do you know what rubella is? - Little House On the Prairie.

Oh. What would you do?

- Me? - Mmm.

I'm the fun dad.

Oh.

- I don't know. - My dad screwed me up

pretty good. What do you think two dads would do to a kid?

You really think it's such a good idea to bring a kid

into the world with such a nontraditional family?

I know somebody else from a nontraditional family.

A Halfrican-American who was raised by a grandma.

And that person seems to be doing just fine.

Oh, yeah. Barack Obama.

No. Mariah Carey, but your example works, too.

Look around. Your definition

of traditional might need a refresh.

Check her out. She's old enough

to be their grandmother, but she wanted them

so badly, she dusted off her dinosaur eggs.

I was a whore for a long time.

I mean, I slept with everyone.

I acted like a kid for too long.

Just wasn't ready to have one.

By the time I was ready, I couldn't find the right man.

When I gave up looking for him, I found me.

And then, with the help of a lot of drugs, them.

Hey.

My husband's regular-sized,

so there was a 50% chance

that my daughter would be a part-time Christmas elf like me.

I told my husband, we didn't have to have kids.

We didn't have to risk it.

My husband said that he loves me,

so why wouldn't she be loved in this world?

She's gonna be taller than me this year.