Friday Night Dinner

CAR HORN

You idiot! You could have scratched our Mercedes!

Scratched your Mercedes? You could have killed me, you stupid cow!

Wait... Is that Adam?

What?

Sheila. Sheila Bloom.

Oh!

Hello, Sheila.

Hi. How are you?

Fine. You remember my husband, don't you?

Um, yes. Hello, Mr Bloom!

Um, sorry that I called you...

How's your mum?

Er, yep, fine.

Dad?

Good. Good.

And you?

Yep.

Girlfriend?

Er, no, not, not at the moment.

Not to be rude, but if you were more careful,

things like this wouldn't happen.

OK... Because, to be honest,

our Mercedes would cost considerably more to repair than your, er, Yugo.

Er, it's a Nissan.

Who knows, you might even find yourself a nice girlfriend.

Well, goodbye. Go on, Eddie.

Bitch.

Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Happy birthday, Pusface.

Oh, very good. Get off!

Yeah, happy birthday, Bambino.

Thanks, Dad. You look brown.

It was the sun.

Um, yes. What's with the doorbell?

And the coat rack?

Broken.

Everything's broken in this house, including your dad's brain.

Hi, Mum.

Wha...? My hearing machine's all clogged up with ear wax.

Oh, they're gorgeous. Jonny, put these in a vase.

Dad, put these in a vase.

Oh!

You all right?

I'm on crutchlings.

Aww!

Bloody jellyfish.

So what happened again? It stung you?

I told you, I got stung on the ankle.

And then...?

Then I fell over and sprained the other one. It's not funny!

It is a bit funny.

What's funny?

Nothing.

Mum's ankle.

Oh, yeah, that is funny!

Please, stop eating cream!

Oh, just go and put this inside, would you?

Dad, put this inside, would you?

Oh... Mind my foot!

Ooh, guess who I just saw?

Who?

Bitchface.

Oh! Sheila Bloom? Ugh, what was she doing?

Um, trying to run me over.

What, in her stupid Mercedes?

Of course. Oi, Pissface, what are you doing in there?

Nothing!

Martin. Adam just saw Bitchface.

You saw Sheila Bloom? Yup.

In her stupid Mercedes? Yup.

Can you believe Dad went on a date with her?

Dad went on a date with Bitchface?

It was before your mother. It was just a few dates.

Few? You told me it was one.

Did I? Well, didn't really get up to much, you know, business.

Er...

Thanks, Dad.

What do you mean "much business"?

Looking forward to your birthday dinner?

Yeah, course. What have you been doing in here?

Nothing. Oh, you do know Dad's making it?

Ha, ha!

Well, you didn't think I was doing the cooking, did you?

No, but...

Yeah, Adam, you know Mum's crippled.

Thank you, Jonny.

But... Dad?

You've never really made dinner before.

What?

You've never made dinner!

No.

Right. And now you're making my birthday dinner.

Yes, I know.

We could always just go for a Chinese.

Yes, but a Chinese won't be as nice as this.

Won't it?

What is it?

It's a surprise.

I'd rather it wasn't a surprise.

All right. Potatoes and some meat.

"Potatoes and some meat".

Mmm, prison food!

Dad really is making my birthday dinner?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, what can I do?

Anyway, I'm banned from the kitchen, look.

Martin?

Oh, bloody go away!

See?

Where's the birthday boy?

Grandma! You're here! I didn't know Grandma was here!

Surprise!

Thank you.

You all right now, Mum?

Oh, yes, Dolly.

I'm much better now, thank you.

I had, um... a bit of...

you know.

Right.

Grandma, remember what you were going to say to Adam?

What? Remember that thing?

What thing?

Oh, yes!

Happy birthday, Pusface.

No, I love them, I really do.

Do you?

Yeah, the microwave and the knife sharpener.

Electric knife sharpener.

Yes, and the, um, hand-held hoover device thing.

They're really... Shit?

Thank you! Practical.

Yes. Practical. Lovely practical presents.

Oh, Jackie, did you get me my bikini?

Yes, Mum, I got you your bikini.

Sorry, bikini?

Yes, from Spain. She wanted one.

Is it the right size?

Well, it's the size you asked, Mum.

38 GG. LAUGHS

What?

Nothing.

Can you go and get it then?

Mum, I can't get it now, can I?

Oh, yes. OK, then.

Don't worry, I'll go. I'll go.

She really wants that bikini.

But no bikini for Dad.

What? I'm hot.

Martin, is it going to be long?

Yeah, meat's not ready yet.

Still not ready? What meat is it, horse?

CHUCKLES Here.

What's that? What do you think it is?

From you?

Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

I hope you like it.

I just thought, you were always interested in, um...

The SS.

Yeah, you were always interested in the war, so, er...

Um...

Martin, the SS?

The SS?

Cos he used to love the war, remember?

I'm not sure about "loved". I was kind of interested

when we did it at school but... the SS?

Wonderful present for a Jewish son, a book on the SS!

It's very good!

Um... Thanks, Dad. No, it's, um... No, it's really nice of you.

Yeah, see?

I can't believe you bought that!

You said you were buying a book about the war!

It is about the war.

There are quite a lot of pictures of the SS.

Well, what do you expect? Your brother!

Yeah...

Well, you do like it, don't you?

Yeah, Dad.

It's just you'd imagine a book on the SS

might sort of focus on all the bad things they did? The atrocities?

The SS!

And this one, it's... well,

weapons of the SS, medals of the SS, heroes of the SS! You know...

It is a bit "SS-y".

Just take it away, please, it's dirty.

It's not dirty!

It's dirty. Just take it away!

Sorry, Dad.

And don't let my mother see it!

I can't find it anywhere.

Oh, the SS.

You lucky boy!

Oh, finally!

Don't touch!

Well, make some room, will you? God!

Lovely party atmosphere he's created!

Yes, try and remember it's your son's birthday.

You all right there, Mum?

Oh, yes, thank you, Jackie.

Have you had your hair done?