Nasty Baby

- Hey. Marcus, welcome. - Hello. Good to see you, Freddy.

- Good to see you too, man. - Thank you for having me.

Thanks for coming.

- You live in the city, right? - Yeah, I live in Soho still.

I have not been out here, ahem, in a very, very long time.

- I had an old friend that lived... Wow. - Welcome.

This is home.

- Wow. It's a jungle. - I know, right?

It's my boyfriend's obsession. He gets one every other day.

- Heh-heh-heh. - Yeah, you want some coffee, water?

- Water. Water would be great. - Okay.

Oh.

- Here. - Nice yard. Thank you.

- This is my cat, Sula. - Oh. Heh-heh-heh.

I'm a little allergic.

- Oh, sorry. - No, no, no. It's okay.

Sula.

So, yeah, now, like, this is where I live and work.

- I don't really... - Jennifer.

- Oh, yeah. Jennifer Aniston. - You're a fan?

No. Come on, it's a joke. She looks so beige.

- She is beige. - Right? She looks like bread.

Mm.

Yes, and I was telling you I don't need that much space anymore...

- ...so that's why... - God. What space, Freddy.

Look what you can do with space.

There you are.

And where are you going? What are you doing going into video?

- No, but it's not like an extreme decision. - What is this?

I just... When you told me about this group show, it just felt...

...kind of like a great opportunity to explore that subject.

Tell me why is Dirty Baby right for identity and heritage?

- Why? How? - It's Nasty Baby.

Nasty Baby. Oh, that's much better.

- It's better, right? - Much better.

- Yeah. - It's more catchy, but I feel that...

So I've been trying to, uh, make a baby...

...with my best friend for the last six months.

And so since we start I've been obsessed with the idea...

...that there's gonna be a creature that resembles me...

- ...and is made out of my genes. - Oof.

And, like, it's... It's such a selfish act...

...to keep making babies. There's many you can adopt.

But you want it.

- Now I want to. Now I want to. - You want it.

And then I feel so guilty about it that I feel that I need to pay a price.

And the price is to go through the embarrassment...

- ...of me portraying a 3-month-old baby. - I love that one.

Yeah, so these are pictures of me...

- ...when I was a baby. - That's you?

When I was a nasty baby.

Yeah, like, go back to this time, you know...

...and portray this sort of, like, gross cuteness.

Tell me, if we were to... If you were done...

...and we were pulling up tomorrow to load in at this show, what am I seeing?

- So I'll be fully naked... - Oh.

- ...against a black background. - Oh. Okay.

Like a black infinite background, performing...

I can show you. It's really embarrassing. It's part of...

- You wanna get ready, or...? - No, no, no.

No, I'm not gonna get naked now. Yeah, but I'll show you how it is.

- I'm ready. Ha-ha-ha. - Okay, I'm ready too.

- You're never ready for this, but... - Heh, heh.

- Okay, so basically.... - Oh.

Okay, imagine if black infinite background...

- ...no music at all, super raw. - Mm-hm.

And then, on video, doing something like this:

Put your left hand up. Left hand.

- How you doing? - Fine.

- How's your camel toe hanging? - It's good.

How's your loose butthole?

- You got it. - Unh!

- There's no place... Ha, ha. - You do... Ha-ha-ha.

Here. This one's so easy.

- Yes! - Oh, my God!

Yeah!

- You're almost there. - Yeah!

Ha-ha-ha. - Wait.

- I have to touch it. I have to touch it. Ha-ha-ha.

You guys had a clearing?

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so...

Be careful.

Mom, look. Mom.

Shit.

I'm getting better now.

I had this meeting with this gallery, and I promise this is what I showed him.

I was, like, rolling around like a disgusting baby.

Funny, right?

It's funny.

I just got, um, an e-mail from my doctor.

Your sperm count is lower than we thought.

- So.... - Oh, no.

It's not gonna work.

It's kind of why it hasn't been working. Heh, heh.

- Ugh. - Ugh.

- I know. I'm sorry. - It sucks.

- No, it's... - I'm sorry I wasted your time.

We tried like five months with my lousy semen.

It's not lousy, it's just not...

- Low. Low. - It's just low.

So, yeah. Now we just have to try to figure out the next step...

- What is the next step, though? - Your brother? I'm just kidding.

Chino? That's gross.

- Because he's young, maybe his... - Yeah, amazing cum.

Um... Heh. What about Mo?

Mo is... It's always been an option. I mean, like, he knows.

He's waiting for the results too.

Yeah. So you'll talk to him?

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

Today?

- Today? Yeah. - Yeah.

I just wanna get it done. I wanna keep moving.

- Try for the next time you're ovulating? - Yeah, why not?

Oh, boy.

I'm gonna go change.

Should we, like, leave?

- Yeah, let's go. - Okay.

- I can't get out. I can't get out. Ha-ha-ha. - What do you mean? What?

Oh, my gosh. Freddy, please, help me!

Oh, sorry, no, I was just kidding. Heh.

- I know. - Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

I know. It's okay.

I don't wanna cry over it. It just, like, uh...

So, basically, Polly said that if you could, uh....

If you could decide soon whether you wanna be the next sperm donor...

How...? How soon?

- Um... She said tonight, but she didn't... - She said tonight?

Tonight that I ask you, not that we tell her.

Whatever. I think she wants to do it before the next ovulation period...

...which is within two weeks. Is that crazy?

Is this...? Why are you feeling so hesitant?

I don't feel hesitant. It's not... I'm not against it, against...

- I just don't wanna be rushed. - It'd be amazing if you could.

Some people can't.

- I have to think about it, but... - Mm-hm.

And I will tell her maybe...

- Tell her to... - Before she ovulates again?

- Tell her that she will ovulate again. - Heh, heh. She...

- Eventually. - Eventually. It's not...

- I know, I know. I know. - Yo, Cor.

- Hey. - How are you?

May I ask you how much the three ivies in the front are?

Those are 25.

Twenty-five, all three of them? The one on the end? Oh.

Oh, it's so painful.

It's so painful. Look at them, dude.

- I've been one of those couples. - Really? Complaining about food?

- Just, like, the awkward dinner shit. - The super silent, like...

- Never bring me here again. - Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, no, I wanna rescue that poor woman, dude.

Dude, this plant is heavy. Why am I carrying it?

- You're so strong. - Thank you, baby.

You got it.

Hey, Richard.

- Oh. Help is here. - Let us do it. Let us do it.

Wait a second. Did you see that guy going up the street?

- What guy? - That... What guy?

That miserable bastard.

- He's some kind of homeless person. - What happened?

I don't wanna get into it. He bullshitted me out of a dollar.

- Just now? - Yes, just when I parked.

He pretended to be helping me, and that was all bullshit.

If you help me get the apples out of the vehicle...

...I will give you a wonderful libation when we get inside.

- Can I just put these here? - Anywhere you can.

I appreciate your help. Freddy.

- Hank, go inside, go inside. - Where'd you go?

I was lugging the bags. Babe, your plant.

I'm going to make us gin and tonic.

One, one.

"Mayor of Adelphi Street"?

Yes. The mayor of Adelphi Street.

- I could've been the governor. - Fritz looks cute in this picture.

- He was a beautiful man. - Did you see this?

Let me give you a little squeeze. You'll like it. Here's another.

Thank you.

Go ahead. Here's yours.

Okay.

And let's drink to your future, guys.

- I'm an old guy. I have a past. - Cheers. Yes, you do.

- To my past. - Right there, framed.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past. - Yes, you are.

What are you doing?

- Oh, shit. - What the fuck?

- Sorry, sorry, sorry. Heh. - Get out!

- Get out. - Heh, heh.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I was just shaving.

Why the fuck does he have keys to the house?

Well, because we'd agreed that that was a good idea.

Dude, you need to let us know when you are coming.

Just shaving. I came for my guitar. Can I finish in your room?

Okay, but clean up.

Okay.

- Sorry, brother. - It's okay, next time just tell us.

It's your mom. Picking up.

Cecilia.

Yeah, it's me.