Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh

I Gotta Feeling

I got a feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's gonna be a good night

- Good night. Good night. - Hey, Jimmy!

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

Hi!

Whoo-hoo

Cor. Good.

Well, you seem more excited than me, and I've seen the fucking show.

Good manners are disappearing.

When I was a lad it was considered polite

to tap a lady on the head before ejaculating.

I know.

You know why kids wear their trousers slung low with no belt?

It's cos they're dicks.

True story.

I attempted suicide once,

came pretty close,

killed the guy standing next to me.

It's all right, it was a Goth, it's what he would have wanted.

Whenever my girlfriend says, "Fucking men!"

I always think, "Yeah, that is the alternative."

What? What, sorry?

- Tosser! - Tosser?

Right.

Just a rand... Just "tosser"?

You know you're in fucking Glasgow, don't you,

where someone pays you 22.50 to tell you to fuck off.

Fair enough, fill your boots.

On average, in the Northern hemisphere,

January is the coldest month of the year.

But if you were in Australia,

you'd be surrounded by cunts.

Any Australians in?

Yeah!

Welcome back.

I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing.

The weigh-in.

The fight would happen then and there.

Per square inch of head,

people with red hair have 750 fewer friends than normal people.

A lot, isn't it?

Are there any redheads in?

Yes!

Ugh.

I think I'm all right if I look away.

My partner recently lost 11 stone.

Well, I say that. I left her.

Fat cow.

A lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex,

but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16,

so I have to get them for both of us.

You think its wrong I'm buying a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?

You think it's wrong I'm fucking her?

I'm kidding.

Kidding does sound like a verb for child abuse, doesn't it?

I'm kidding.

Are you joking or touching kids?

Women say they want their ideal man to be the outdoors type,

the kind of man that enjoys long walks in the countryside.

Women say they want their ideal man to be the kind of man that'll take control,

the kind of man that's not afraid to take a few risks.

Basically what you're saying, ladies, is your ideal man is a rapist.

And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got pretty much your pick of women.

It's funny cos it's true.

Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes, Glasgow, not fuck about too much.

I'll pause for breath and say hello, how are you, Glasgow, are you well?

Like an angry mob.

I thought we'd kick off properly.

We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo in Glasgow. Bloody marvellous.

I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?

Cos everyone's dressed up, it's a Saturday night,

let's have a round of applause for the ladies.

Let's have a round... Yeah. Let's have a round of applause for the ladies.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. Yeah.

That's... Actually that's... that's probably enough.

Looking round, some of them have made no effort.

You've no made an effort, have ye?

You've not made an effort, have ya?

Oh, bless him. Mongo no like.

Look at you.

Sorry, your comment there is that I haven't made much of an effort?

Well, there's some cameras and some fucking lights,

I don't know what you had in mind. It's not like I come to your work

and knock the sailors' cocks out of your mouth, is it?

Come on.

Seems like a very weird thing from quite a tough-looking man from Glasgow to say.

"Oh, you've not made much of an effort.

"I thought you'd be dressed up prettier."

It's a little bit prison rape coming from you, sir.

That's what it feels like.

There's an incredible amount of pressure on women these days

to be beautiful and thin. And all I can say is,

we've got some very brave girls in here this evening, really.

Terrific stuff.

No, there are some stunning-looking women in here this evening,

and some right dogs.

You know who you are.

I'm joking.

No one in here is stunning.

It's all right to make those kind of jokes in comedy, because no one minds.

Like, occasionally someone will go,

"Oh, yeah, comedy, it's the new rock 'n' roll."

It fucking isn't.

I'll tell you how comedy isn't rock 'n' roll - there's no comedy groupies.

There's groupies in rock 'n' roll, there's no groupies in comedy.

What girl is so into comedy she's gonna come backstage and suck me off?

Well, might be a premature end to the show.

Have her washed and brought to my room.

I'm joking, don't wash her.

Seriously, what girl is so into stand-up

she's going to come backstage and suck me off just so she can go,

"That tastes funny."

It's a very fun job, this is all I do for a living, I travel around,

I find large groups of people with the same sense of humour as me

and then I tell them jokes for the evening.

It means I get to go everywhere.

- Any Irish people in? - Yes.

Oh, a few, not that many.

Sounds like the roads in Glasgow are very nearly finished.

I was in Dublin recently doing a show

and I was there with a friend hanging out for the day - what could be finer? -

and he dared me to say this at the end of the show.

So right at the end of the show I went,

"Dublin, I don't know much about Irish politics."

That was pretty much their reaction.

A couple of thousand people going, "I bet you fucking don't, no."

I said, "I don't know much about..." But he dared me to do it so I had to say it.

I said, "I don't know much about Irish politics,

"I just think we should have one Ireland united."

They were on their feet in Dublin, "This guy is all right."

And then I added, "One Ireland united

"under British rule."

They went fucking spastic.

Any Welsh people in, any Welsh?

Just one. We seem to have contained the problem. Good.

I'm loving the Welsh. Every time I go to Wales I have a lovely time.

The people are very friendly, but I get annoyed every time I go to Wales.

Not by the people, but by the signs.

All the signs in Wales. Road signs, tourist information, shop signs.

Every fucking sign has to be in English and Welsh.

Everything, English and Welsh.

It's ridiculous cos it costs a fortune to do

and only five per cent of the population of Wales can read.

Well, I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender.

We've done the Irish, we've done the Welsh. Any Scottish people in?

Imagine my surprise.

Here's a question for you, my Scottish friends.

If you were a homeless alcoholic Scot and you had Tourette's,

how would they ever know?

I'll tell you where's rough in England.

I was there recently and I didn't realise it was meant to be rough, but Nottingham...

I didn't realise this, Nottingham is the gun capital of Great Britain.

Tell you what Nottingham needs - a sheriff.

It's quite a silly joke.

Are there any Scousers in?

Well, there's a few there, all right. Hi, the Scousers. You well?

No.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, sorry, I forgot you were a Scouser there for a second, I apologise.

That's awkward.

I'm not having a go at Liverpool, I'm loving the Scousers.

It's a great place to do a gig. It's got a similar feel to Glasgow.

People heckle quite a lot, they join in,

they're quite up for it and nice sense of humour.

Loving the Scouse crowd, although I will say this about Liverpool -

Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain

where JD Sports has an evening-wear department.

They've got a fucking bridal shop.

Can I interest madam in an off-white tracksuit?

I always make a bit of an effort when I'm travelling, doing this job,

I always make a bit of an effort to do the accent of wherever I am,

and generally people take that well, they like the fact that you've made an effort.

But sometimes people get chippy if you don't get it right.

I was doing a gig in the north of England

and this guy came up to me after the show, quite aggressive. Yeah.

He said... "All right, our kid?

"I don't think you've got any fucking respect for this town.

"Try and do the voice, we don't even fucking talk like tha'.

"Knobhead."

I said "No, you've got me all wrong, I love Newcastle."

I've got a friend that got into an argument

with a barmaid from Sunderland.

Long story short, he ended up calling her a fat, ugly Geordie cunt.

And she said,

"I'm no a Geordie."

"I'm no a Geordie."

Sorry, that's a terrible accent.

But it is how they talk.

I'm always impressed... I came up on the train.

Anyone that can get on a train... Maybe some of you can do this.

Can any of you get on a train and not have to ask, is it the right train?

I'm unable to do that. Whenever I get on a train,

I've always got to find someone who looks like a grown-up, to me,

and go, "Is this the right one? Is this the one for Glasgow?"

We all know the answer, cos we've all been asked by a tit like me,

the answer is always, "Hope so."

"Hope so."

I've started doing it on planes.