The Great Ziegfeld

Step right up to the platform, ladies and gentlemen!

You will see the greatest show on the midway for only 50 cents!

These little ladies are entertaining you now,

but in just a moment,

little Egypt will turn on her stuff.

She has danced before all the crowned heads of Europe.

She makes blue blood turn into red!

Ladies and gentlemen,

step right up and buy your tickets for Sandow,

the strongest man in the world!

He juggles pianos!

He plays marbles with cannonballs!

He lifts 10 times his own weight with one arm!

He can even raise his own salary!

Ha ha ha!

Now, folks, step right this way!

You are looking at the sensation of the fair,

the eighth wonder of the world!

Ladies and gentlemen, this way! This way!

This little lady has wiggled herself

from the sands of the desert

to the shores of lake Michigan!

And she's about to give you an exhibition

absolutely free.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is not the dance that little Egypt does inside,

but to prove our generosity,

we're going to give you a demonstration

of that famous dance-- the hootchy-kootch!

Egypt, wiggle!

That's sufficient!

Now, ladies and gentlemen...

He's a masterpiece of manhood...

Step up to the box office and buy your tickets.

The show's about to begin!

...phenomenon! Ladies and gentlemen...

Well, how's business, Ziggy?

Ha ha ha!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Sandow concludes this performance

by lifting with herculean strength

the largest dumbbell in the world!

An unusual feat, ladies and gentlemen,

for inside this huge dumbbell,

there are other dumbbells.

Ladies and gentlemen, look!

Ah, there you are! Aren't they beautiful!

Aren't they glorious!

A total weight of 750 pounds!

Isn't it wonderful! Isn't it marvelous!

Let's give him a big hand!

And what made you bring me

to a show of this kind?

Well, you wouldn't let me see little Egypt.

I'll bet a heifer against a mare

those weights ain't on the level.

750 pounds my foot!

I wonder what her total weight is.

Oh, bill!

Yes, sir.

Open the curtains, will you?

Open up those curtains!

Hey, bill, you know,

it seems to me that this platform...

Oh, hello, lady.

Want some candy, do you, huh?

Bill, it seems to me

that we ought to have this platform built higher.

There ought to be a lot more steps here.

The people in the back row can hardly see him at all.

But, Mr. Ziegfeld,

there's never anybody in the back rows.

Well, nevertheless, I want this higher.

There ought to be a lot more steps.

Ok, Mr. Ziegfeld.

I'm sorry I lost my temper, Flo.

But I am awful disappointed.

I hope you never get downright disgusted.

What is wrong? Why don't they come in?

You're the attraction, and you're asking me?

Maybe you would like to cancel my contract.

Oh, no, Sandow.

When I make a deal, it's a deal.

I like that! I like you!

Well, I like you, too.

If you want to pay me some of my back salary,

I take you to dinner, ja?

Well, I'm not very hungry.

Say, what's the matter?

You're not worrying about your money, are you?

You don't think I'd ever walk out on you.

No, no.

Nobody do that to Sandow.

Maybe I better take you to dinner.

That's fine. Ha ha ha!

Hands up, mister,

and give me all your money.

Well, I can't give you anything

with my hands up, sweetheart.

All right, fresh. 23 skiddoo for you.

I'll help myself.

Oh, no!

Oh, I see you got my little surprise.

Uh-huh. This morning.

Gee, ain't it swell.

Were you really surprised?

Well, wouldn't you be...

Yes.

If you expected a diamond ring?

I--oh, don't be...

Tell you what we'll do.

We'll go to the little Vienna restaurant

and have something to eat. Huh?

Oh, I'd like that.

Telegram, Mr. Billings.

Oh, thank you.

Just wait a minute. There might be an answer.

Ho ho! Well, I'll be...

Bad news?

No, no, it's from Ziegfeld.

He's right across the midway.

He could reach out and touch me,

but he has to send wires.

"In little Egypt, you have

"the best female attraction of the fair.

"In Sandow, I have the greatest male attraction in the world.

"Why not fake a romance?

"The newspapers will fall for it.

"The people will eat it up.

"Then we can show them together,

and I'd be willing to split 50/50."

Well, that sounds like a great idea.

Oh, yes, great.

I'm selling out every performance,

and he's going to be thrown out on Saturday,

and he's willing to split 50/50.

Give me your pencil, boy. I'll answer this one.

Oh, Jack?

Yes.

Is Ziegfeld a good friend of yours?

Oh, yes, we've been pals for years.

But you wouldn't like him.

No?

No, he's up one day and broke the next.

If he got $10,000 tomorrow,

he'd spend it on the girl he happened to like

tomorrow night.

You wouldn't want to waste your time

meeting a fellow like that.

Oh, not if I met him on the right night.

On the right... Ohh!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Shut up!

And just send that collect.

Yes, sir, and I'll deliver it, too, sir.

'Cause every time I take Mr. Ziegfeld a message,

he always gives me 50 cents.

Oh, he does, does he?

Sure.

Yes, well, that's probably why he's always broke.

Come on, dear.

This cheese is so strong it could walk over

and say hello to your coffee.

Well, it better not.

This coffee's too weak to answer it.

Ha ha ha! Flo, you're wonderful.

You make jokes even when you're so worried

you can't touch your cold cuts.

I got no appetite neither.

Well...

Message for you, Mr. Ziegfeld.

Oh.

They told me I'd find you here.

From billings.

So soon he answers.

He must be crazy about your proposition.

Yes.

Read it to me, Flo. Read it.

"Dear Ziggy, your proposition interests me."

What did I tell you?

Ah. Uh-huh.

"But why fake a romance

"between Sandow and little Egypt?

"Let's make Sandow marry little Egypt,

and I'll split the children with you 50/50."

That message was collect.

Oh.

50 cents.

Have you change for a dollar?

Uh, sure, but you always...

Keep it.

Gee, thanks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Flo, I love you.

I will break chains for you.

I will lift buildings for you.

But I will not have children for you.

Und--und if I have children,

I will not split them!

Oh, hello, Ziggy, I got your wire.

I just got yours, too.