Speak No Evil: Live

Good evening, everybody,

and thanks for coming to the show.

Let's give a warm, crazy Vernon BC welcome

to our guests of honor,

John Hollingsworth, Chris Reid, and Dave Lane,

here's your Fidgets!

- All right, are you ready to get started?

All right, are we gonna have a good show tonight?

Oh, yeah, we are, okay, Change is a sketch we do,

where Chris and I complete a scene,

but everything we say Dave has the power to say, change,

and when he says that, we have to change

the last thing that we said, okay.

So, the scene is, Doctor Chris

needs to have a sit down talk with John to talk to him about

how the operation didn't go as planned.

I'm the doctor?

- You're the doctor. - Okay.

- And I'm-- - What was your operation?

- Do you wanna get minor operation day surgery?

- Yeah, give me a minor, like day surgery--

Bunion infection?

- Hair transplant! - Hair transplant, really?

Bunion infection.

Oh, okay, on your toesies

- Yeah. - Sure, why not?

Okay, I'll be the doctor and you do the, okay.

- I'll have the bunion infection.

Apparently.

It sounds disgusting though.

Are you ready? - Yeah.

All right.

Nurse I really need to see the doctor.

No, I really need to see the doctor!

Yeah, John Hollingsworth, tell him John Hollingsworth,

Doctor, hey!

What are you doing?

I am smoking in my office.

Change.

I am having a cigarette.

Change.

- Don't you know what I am doing?

Do you want to try, the cool kids do it?

- I don't think so, I don't think smoking is good for you.

But here's the thing, I need to talk to you

for a couple minutes about my operation.

'Cause I am French.

Yeah, I got that.

Doc, last week I was in here

to get my infected bunion repaired.

Okay, remember, you looked at in the x-ray, and you said,

that infected bunion needs to be repaired.

Change.

- You said that infected bunion makes me hungry.

Change.

- You said that infected bunion looks like my mother.

- So, we jumped into, we got a surgery date right away,

because you were afraid for my life,

and you put me out, and my bunion is still infected.

So, you have a problem

with your bunion still being infected?

Yes.

- Okay, I want to ask you something.

How does your back feel? - Change.

- How does your butt feel? - Change.

- Can you see better? - Change.

- How do you smell? - Change.

- You know, if you had more hair on your back,

you'd probably be better looking.

But don't worry, I had already fixed it.

You probably just haven't seen your back yet.

- Are you telling me I went into the hospital, into surgery,

to get my infected bunion repaired,

'Cause I'm French.

- And you did some sort of back hair transplant?

Change.

- You did some sort of monkey to man hair transplant?

Change.

- I now have the sheen of an Irish Setter on my back!

You're correct.

Do you not remember when you came to my office and you said,

"Hey, look at my bunion and I had a full set of hair."

Change.

- Do you not remember my locks on my head?

Change.

- Do you know how I look like Elvis, and I was like? (blows)

Do you remember that?

I do remember you did--

Does this seem familiar?

Yes, that seems very familiar.

You seemed like you had way more hair on top of your head,

but I was out of it.

- I know, but now I have given you a favor, my friend.

I have put my hair on your back.

Change.

- I have put all the things on my head under your back.

Change.

- I took the things from your back and put them on my head.

Change.

- I have swapped the skin on your back

with the skin on my head

Change.

- And I swapped the skin on your knee

with the skin on my knee.

Change.

- Your elbows are now behind your neck.

The hair on my head is on your back,

and you have the ankles of four horses tilted backwards,

so when you run, they looks like this.

Change.

- When you run, it looks like this.

Change.

- When you run, you just fall down and you flap like this,

and then people go, "Are you okay?",

and through that sympathy, you are going to be promoted.

Oh, and you have a hairy back from my head.

- You did all that in 15 minutes?

Change.

- You did all that in 45 minutes?

- Change. - Eight days ago I was fine!

Yes, but now you are fine

and when you take off your shirt you look like a werewolf

who can't seem to stand up without siezuring.

Change.

- Yes, but now the animal protective control

is going to take care of you if you ever get in a bar fight.

Change.

- There is going to be protective people

who will look out for you,

and there will also those who are going to hunt you.

It is a fun game I made up,

and you have to find out how you're going to survive.

- Doc, I heard you were the best!

Change.

- I heard you were great! - Change.

- I heard you were absolutely amazing.

Change.

- I heard you were a ventriloquist.

'Cause he is French.

- And I thought if he's talented with ventriloquism

maybe he's good at surgery.

In fact, it turns out that wasn't true.

I shouldn't of trusted you with my body.

Change.

- I shouldn't of trusted you with how I look.

Change.

I should not have trusted you at all.

- I'm going to stop you right there.

You came in for the bunion on your foot?

Yes, I did.

- I made your life so much better

and more interesting, thank you!

Yes, you did.

- National Geographic has already called.

And not only that,

but in my office, you are now the most famous person

I have ever had.

Not because you were famous, but because I made you famous.

Change.

Not because you were famous,

but because I'm going to make you famous.

Change.

- Not because you're going to be famous, or you were famous,

but because I put your face into a frame,

and I said, "Frame this",

and my accent came out funny

and now people think your some sort of celebrity, famous!

I say, nurse can you frame this?

She goes, "Oh, he's famous?",

I go, (speaking in foreign language), 'cause I am French,

and now you think,

you're not famous though, but you could be famous.

I did not go to online college for this sort of thing, okay?

- Doc, you know what, I got to apologize, okay.

I came in here all stressed out,

and you're absolutely right.

I was getting a lot of phone calls

from people either wanting to protect me or to hunt me,

and I thought, this is useless,

but now I see I'm a unique commodity.

Change.

- I see that I'm a one of a kind.

- Change. - I'm special.

- Yes, you are, and that was my hope for you.

So, I'm going to do you a favor.

I put your name in the paper,

and I'm not even going to charge you extra.

Which paper?

- It was the local Citizen paper.