Miranda

Hello. How are you?

I can't hear you and I'm not interested.

No, I am.

I'm not. So back to me.

Now, previously in my life...

I proved that living alone can be genuine fun.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

I really embarrassed myself in front of Gary.

Yeah. As long as you fill it with good sausage meat. Ooh, naughty!

SHE FARTS

I know. And what else? oh, yes. My mother showed me her holiday photos.

Around the headland there was another lovely beach...

Was the whole island nudist?

Oh, that's a good one of your father.

Stop zooming in!

You never recover from something like that.

Quickly, on with the show...

Right, taster number four.

Maybe you'll enjoy this one. Gratinee de Saint Jacques...

I love having a chef friend.

Because you appreciate fine food? It's more that it's free food.

Free food!

That's it. You clearly don't appreciate my work,

I go to all this effort, all you can say about it is it's free.

I've never been more aroused.

Off putting. They're doing that kissing but not kissing thing.

Either do or don't!

That's Chris and Alison, they're lovely. It's a bit much.

Now, Gary, now that was delicious.

Thank you, Chris. It's a new menu I'm working on.

We thought so, didn't we, Mr Papa Bear?

Yes, we did, my wet nosed cub.

Such a good chef.

Said it at the same time!

And said that at the same time.

Oh, lovely(!)

Yes, sorry this is my friend Miranda.

Hello, lovely.

Puddings? Puddings. Puddings. Puddings.

Puddings, my wet nosed cub.

Stop it. Actually, it's a really sweet story.

They were friends at university,

and they said they'd get married if they were still single at 40.

She was his safety wife? People actually do that?

They don't look 40.

They're not. He took her off to Paris last year and proposed.

Do you have a safety wife? No.

Why, are you offering? Yes, please, very much so, thanks for asking,

thank you please very much please.

OK. All right. So what age would we set the date at?

55? 35?

55, I meant 55. 55?

35? That's next year. You're meant to allow time to meet Mr Right first.

No. Exactly. Of course,

absolutely cos we don't want this. This would not be ideal. Grim.

Yuckety yuck at you. You make me feel bleugh.

So...yeah. Just to be safe, I know it's 21 years hence,

but should I book a venue?

Oh, sorry.

55 is insulting.

Well, as I say, it works so you allow time to meet the one.

But if something happens before you're 55 then you don't ignore it.

If there's a "moment",

then clearly the rules are you go to Paris and get engaged. A moment.

Deal with this Miranda. Elegance.

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie...

I'm busy! I've got to leave early to talk to my builders.

Yeah, but I've got news.

Anyway, this is a night school prospectus.

Yes. I'm doing a French course and I'll tell you pour quoi...

so we can start to go international, sales wise...

Two things to say, firstly...

SHE YAWNS

and, secondly, needy,

high maintenance friend with news - Bonjour!

Gather please. Right.

Gary has asked me to be his safety wife.

But, he said, obviously, if something happens before

then we wouldn't ignore it. If there was a moment.

He's considering there might be a moment between us, Stevie.

I've got to create a moment and do some woo-ing.

It's harder to say than you imagine, that.

Woo-ing. Woo-ing.

Getting away from the point...

I need to create a romantic, spontaneous moment

so Gary sees me in a "sexual" light.

Sorry how is Gary ever going to see YOU in a...

No, no, what I mean is, you're...

No, you're just not very, you know, you know.

No, what I mean is, you know, you don't have... No, what you're,

what you're not... you're not like me.

You're just, you're just very British aren't you? I mean say "sex".

You know I don't like to say it. I prefer the term "shenanigans".

Sounds nicer. And you're British!

British in nationality, yeah,

but when it comes to the language of love, I'm practically Spanish.

Just a look in my eye and pheromones are released. Ahem.

Ahem.

Only me, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you?

OK. Although... Just a turn of phrase.

Can I leave this with you?

Your old diaries. Which I have to say, make very interesting reading.

You read them?! Of course. Like Anne Frank but more depressing.

Can't they stay at home?

No. We've cleared out your room

because we've extended the bathroom and we're fitting a jacuzzi.

Must dash - the Evening News'll be out.

We're looking at the personals to find you someone

and I don't want your father to start without me.

He only circles white people

and I've told him, when it comes to finding you a husband,

we can't afford to be (racist.)

We will consider a (black) man.

You can say "black". It's fine.

Are you sure it's not (racist?)

No.

Oh, well then I do love a BLACK man!

Such fun!

That mouthing words thing's a real middle class tick.

At least she was doing it properly this time.

She gets confused and does it the wrong way round.

The other day she said,

"You know those two women ? LESBIANS."

Exactly. Stevie always underestimates me.

I knew I could do romance.

# Summer lovin' had me a blast... # Ooh, it's our song!

# Summer lovin' happened so fast... #

# I met a girl crazy for me... #

# I met a guy cute as can be

# Summer days driftin' away to uh-oh, those summer nights

# Well-ah, well-ah, well-ah

# Uh! Tell me more, tell me more

# Like did he have a car? #

This is not a hoover being a man!

Stevie! Miranda, I've got subsidence.

Please can I stay with you? Thanks.

I've got a Gary plan.

Come in! Thank you.

Although, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't bother.

I don't even know if I want a relationship.

Somebody knowing everything about me.

I mean, do I really want somebody knowing

that sometimes I dress up as the Queen and record her speech

and I watch it back to see what it would be like if I was the Queen.

Do you actually do that? No.

MOUTHS SILENTLY

You can stay, but please don't take over my life.

You'll hardly notice me!

Especially if Gary's here...

OK, your plan? Why don't you come with me to my French course? Yes?

Passionate, sophisticated language, mon cherie.

Are you saying I'm unsophisticated? Bottom.

SHE GIGGLES

Bottom!

Remembering my school days isn't going to help me feel passionate.

Apparently the teacher is cute.

Although if he is he's mine. SAUCY LAUGH

Come on, you need a bit of chic to get you in the romantic zone. OK.

I refer you to the last time you attempted something in this field.

"Wannabe" by Spice Girls

Hi there. Oh!

Hi.

So...

So...

Do you want kids?

You liked school, this is freaking me out.

"Don't run in the corridor, pull your skirt down."

What is this?

This is God's way of telling me not to bother. Just relax.

And always "could do better" from the French teacher

who thought a leather jacket made him cool.

Oh, wow, he's LOVELY.

Cute smile.

Oh, it's him! He will be mine.

That's Mr Clayton, my old French teacher. No way!

Way. Really way. Very much way.

It's really cringey seeing a teacher after 20 years.

It's feelings of fear, embarrassment...

Primarily embarrassment.

Right, I'm going to go before he can see me.

I'm stuck in the chair.

Stevie, I'm stuck in the chair. He's about to start.

Bonjour la classe.

Qu'est ce que ce'st passez?

Pardon, monsieur. Je suis dans le...

..Wrong room.

Miranda?

Ce ne pas me, zut alors!

Je suis...on me way oot!

Sounded Scottish?!

It is you.

Back for more? French was never your metier, I seem to remember.

No, no, but German has become my bag...

Mein...bag.

Oh, yeah, I've done pretty well with my life.

Yes, I use the German for my fashion business.

So, I think you'll find I COULDN'T do better.

If I did better...

I'd be God.