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This is Hoffman's Head.

Hey, Headlights,

I'm gonna open up your Fanmail.

"To Garrett Hoffman." Well, that's me!

Oh!

And the note says, "Garrett,

"My pet earthworm had babies,

and I'm giving them to you to raise."

From Tony.

Alright, I'm just going fucking crazy!

I can't control this fucking car!

What's the first word that comes to your mind

when you think of air?

It's lightweight, see.

What is it?

What is it?!

In our laboratories, we did scientific side-by-side tests.

Breathing air versus breathing...

Chicken broth.

Air is better.

You literally brought a cane to a gunfight.

Why don't you just derail the train, Garrett?

Some things shall be easy.

It's "Assassins Creed." It must be a dance.

Babe, who's... ah! Who's winning?

So... so he's good.

Oh!

Oh my God! They're on my face. They're on my face.

You know, I have no idea why,

but the first thing that comes to my mind

when I think of the word "air"

is "airy."

Talcum powder.

Air is better.

Hey, thanks for letting us into your devices.

Next time on "Cooking with Serial Killers"

Jeffrey Dahmer is back with tips on summer grilling.

It's gonna be great.

Check here for bloopers and outtakes.

And like, share, follow, and subscribe.

Like, share, follow.

For more, please like, share, follow.

Like, Share...

Follow, and of course...

Subscribe.

Lyle: Okay! Rolling!

We hit two million!

The antimatter hyperdrive can't take those numbers!

For the love of God, man, tell them to stop subscribing.

Wait, what? How many?

Lyle and Kiki: Two million!

Yes! Two million of you insaniacs

have volunteered to get my head

delivered to your heads on a daily basis.

So, I just wanna say thank you,

gracias, Merci, danke, arigato.

And while this is Hoffman's Head,

it would not be possible without Kiki Lee

and the incurable Lyle Burris.

Give 'em some love. Whoo!

But of course, Oh.

The real people I couldn't have done this without...

is you guys.

My Headlights. The Hoffman-heads.

I mean it. I-I really can't believe you're all out there

carrying my head around in your pockets,

and checking in with my head at your desks.

It's... it's crazy.

But you have changed my life,

and you have made my dreams come true.

And I love you guys.

I really do! I really do.

Like a lot. (KISS)

Lyle: That's gross.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Box 1754, please.

Oh.

Yeah, I've been trying to figure you out.

Oh, don't do that.

I really couldn't resist.

So, what did you come up with?

Well, I...

I thought you might run a mental hospital for teenagers.

Kind of, yeah.

Uh, I'm on YouTube.

Well, what are you? A LOLcat?

What, you don't think I could be a LOLcat? (GIGGLES)

I can haz cheeseburger.

Oh, really? Yeah.

This is America, and you can be whatever you dream.

Thank you. Yeah, rock on.

I'm Garrett.

Shell.

"Shell"?

I'm Michelle, but...

Uh...

Hydrology.

Your... your book.

You like fluid mechanics?

You... yeah!

Yes! It's great. I love it.

What is your favorite thing about it?

One thing.

One thing. One thing.

Um...

My favorite thing about fluid mechanics... Yes?

Is? Is

the mechanics of it all. The mechanics. (LAUGHS)

Hoffman's Head? That's you?

Mm-hmm. That's my head.

I will check it out.

And if I like it, I'll put kissy lips on a postcard

and... and leave it in your box.

Okay.

Okay!

Can I borrow that?

Um, this is my number.

You know, just in case.

Something happens?

Uh, that's private, okay?

Sure.

Okay.

So what happens after all of this ends?

Because you know, spoiler alert!

Okay. You know, what if YouTube isn't just some fad?

What if it's like...

It's the invention of the printing press?

And I'm in on it.

Well, then, that makes me a monk in a monastery

illuminating manuscripts.

Please just promise me

you'll consider a teaching degree.

I just think you should have something to fall back on.

Would you just stop for a minute, Dad?

Try the sandwich.

Norman: I'll have it for dinner.

It's your favorite from Arthur's.

Can you please just look at it?

Look at the sandwich? Yeah.

What is this? Open it.

Huh!

I told you things were going really well.

I can't take this, Garrett.

You put it away. No!

Put it away for yourself. No, no, no.

I'm fine. I'm investing...

in your store.

Whoever's giving you financial advice is a moron.

Garrett: Look, I know you don't get it,

but all my life...

everybody's been worried about how I was gonna survive in the real world.

Right? Including me.

Now all of a sudden, all that stuff everyone told me to quit doing,

like clowning around, playing video games,

that's like... that's a real thing that people do.

I'm good at this. I'm really good at this.

Have you seen any of my videos?

A lot of people like them.

A lot of people like a lot of things.

Thanks for the sandwich.

You're welcome.

Garrett: Come on, little goblins!

Carbonite: Good job, man. Good.

How did you just do that?

Unlocked the goblin outrage.

Yes. Fuck you. Fuck you.

And I'm large!

But why is he dead?

I won, but the guy's like...

on the floor, dead.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

Alright.

Okay, so we got about 4,000 people on the stream right now.

Live here in Hoffman's Head.

Streaming from 9:00 p.m. until "I just can't take it anymore"

every Friday night.

Garrett on computer: So, I've been trying to cope with some existential issues.

I'm just gonna throw that out to you guys.

You night birds and mysterians out there in the webisphere.

Um, the topic is my life.

What do I do with it?

After YouTube? Chime in.

Dude, you're, like, living the dream, okay?

I am. I am.

But sometimes people in your life can be...

human alarm clocks.

Are we talking about girlfriends, Garrett, or relatives?

Garrett: Relatives, yes, exactly!

Emotional kryptonite.

They... they come from the same distant planet as you,

so they can just take away your powers.

Garrett, you can always come live with us.

Can I?

And who is "us" exactly?

Raveon717: Me, my mother, my father, my brother.

Okay.

That sounds awful, thank you.

Garrett: Oh, hey, it's FanGirl!