דיין: המשפחה הראשונה

Baby Colin is miserable,

and it's a mystery to me.

Seems like only yesterday when he danced and sang and was

full of joys and smiles.

Now he barely talks to me.

And when he does, it's very unpleasant.

Shit. Have you got enough toys on the floor?

I say, can you take the headphones off?

My headphones are on.

Yeah, I know. Can you take them off?

Just for one second.

Hold on. What?

I was thinking, why don't we hop the fence at the zoo

and see if those baby rhinos have grown

- since the last time we... - Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.

Looked at them.

Thank you.

Why are you still here?

- Okay. Uh... - Huh?

I know he has the body of a man now,

but it was literally last week when he was but a small boy.

And I've read all the relevant literature

on the trials and tribulations of being a young person,

but it's provided me with no guidance at all.

He doesn't even enjoy his play dates anymore.

He's really had quite the growth spurt, hasn't he?

Ain't that the truth, Alison? You see, he's on the cusp

of that awkward age.

No, I'm on base. I'm on base!

Dylan!

Dylan said that the staircase

was base, and I was touching base, but he hit me anyway!

- It wasn't fair! - It's all right.

I wish you were dead, Dylan!

- No, no, come on. No, you don't. - Yes, I do!

It's like he's half kid, half adult.

It's okay.

I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson

and he sounds like Colin Robinson, but mentally

- he's all over the place. - So, you're gonna hold the bat.

- Why? - As the other parental figure in his life,

I thought I'd have the opportunity to teach him things.

Swing! All right!

- Okay. It's okay. I'll get it. - It just happened so fast.

Just...

So you really want to look at the ball, okay?

- I did look at the ball. - The only thing that seems to give him

any joy these days and has done since he learned to walk

is hammering holes

in his old room in the basement.

Now, I've tried to stop him,

but it seems like a healthy release

for this seemingly relentless

and unwarranted anger.

Now that we don't have Baby Colin as our big draw,

the nightclub has just gone to a big steaming shit!

- I wouldn't say "shit," but... - Well, I would.

And we still don't have even close to enough money

- to repair the house. - But we're not giving up.

She's full of ideas, this one.

I am. I still think we should try

that all-vampire freestyle rap battle again.

It's no good. Vampires are too hotheaded.

Why you out here competing?

Why's that hairline receding?

Why'd you even...

And then there was

the human improvisational comedy troupe.

Okay, so, to get us started,

first we're gonna need a suggestion.

Suck each other's dicks!

- Yeah! - Seems like vampires

just don't get improv comedy.

Because it's not funny.

More like a location.

Suck each other's dicks

in outer space!

You know, I really thought

that Laszlo showcasing his new songs

would be a big hit.

Is my song too complex?

Why you looking perplexed?

My intelligence is a ten

Yours are three and fours

It's not my fault

Stupid motherfuckers, it's yours

- Come on, join in, you stupid... - Fuck off, Laszlo!

It's not my...

But we're still making a little bit of income.

Yes, a little trickle.

It's not my fault

You thick pieces of shit

It's yours

- It's not my fault - But we're really scraping

- the bottom... - Shh.

Of the old desperate barrel at this point.

A lot of bachelorette parties.

Throw it back, all the girls...

And then we worked so hard

on the haunted house.

Seemed like a slam dunk.

It's like, did they just order the costumes off of Amazon?

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Children's birthday parties are now, unfortunately,

our biggest draw.

Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs!

Upstairs out-of-bounds!

I got you!

This one!

He keeps cheating me!

It's just a phase. He'll grow out of it.

Well, at the rate he's growing,

he should have grown out of it already.

Well, at least he's not a boring energy vampire.

I'd rather he was boring than this insolent monster.

With respect,

the trouble is that neither of you know how to speak

to the younger generation in their own language.

What, and you do?

Some of my finest soldiers

were just teenagers.

It was essential to communicate

with them in their own lingo...

Or gutter patois, if you will...

To inspire and motivate them

onto the battlefield

because we'd usually put the youngsters at the front.

And they would instantly

be mowed down by the attacking army.

So they were always a little

reluctant to stand there.

You know what? I will fix.

We're fucked.

Watch and learn.

Very cool tunes.

I, too, get off on rocking out

to cool tunes like these.

But you know,

there's more to life than just...

- Dude. - But you know,

there's more to life than just

rocking out to cool tunes.

- Like what? - Ah,

you're probably too young to grok

what I'm trying to lay down.

One of the all-time

coolest ways of rocking out is to be nice and polite

to your housemates and to your elders.

Wow. R-Really?

A-A-And you think this could work for me?

I... I do.

Thanks, man.

Uh, thank you for blessing me

with these pearls of wisdom.

You are very welcome...

man.

You see?

You just have to know how to speak their language.

If anyone complains, that's when you can kill them.

And I was wondering... Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja.

- Oh. - May I introduce to you

to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum?

- Hmm. - Oh.

Mr. Barnum was just giving me some great advice

- about bringing in the crowds. - Mm-hmm.

Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us just one moment.

Okay, thank you.

P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago.

- Is he a vampire? - Yeah, don't ask me to explain.

Well, I feel like I must ask you to explain.

- Ah, it's no big deal. - Well, I'm your boss,

so do you want me to use my loud voice?

- Hi, guys. - Oh, for... - Oh, hi.

Uh, hey, uh, sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting.

- You are. - Oh.

I just wanted to give you

this CD of some songs that I

burned for you. I mean, I-I didn't burn it just for you,

'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic.

Well, I had an extra CD, I guess, and so...

Thank you, Colin.

I will definitely figure out

how to listen to this.

If you like the songs,

maybe we could hang out sometime.

And if you don't like the songs, I don't really give a shit.

So, either way, it's, you know, whatever.

All right, later. Bye.

- Speak, bitch. - All right.

But you mustn't breathe a word of this to anyone.

Over the last few decades, I have come across

some books in the Vampiric Council library

that contain the most forbidden-est

of secret knowledges, and I have learned

the ancient art form of summoning the dead.

But this is witchcraft.

Cut that out.

So you can bring any person back from the dead?

Only the ones that I own the souls of.

One moment.