Marlon

What's up, people? Ten years ago, I posted a video

with the coolest girl

on the entire planet:

my daughter.

Marley, what's rule number one?

I will never grow up.

And what's rule number two?

I'll never, ever, ever grow up.

And what you gonna do

when them boys start showing up?

Boys are gross, so I'll be throwing up.

Ugh.

Yes!

Ah!

I did that do till it was done, honey.

Ashley, doesn't she look amazing?

More like amazed.

Yeah, I can't really close my eyes.

Hello, people I love.

Mm. Yvette.

Stevie, who are you on the phone with?

Radio station. Been on hold for hours

trying to win Beyoncé tickets.

Uh, thanks, Aunt Yvette.

I'm gonna go look at it in the big mirror.

Y... hey.

Mm-mm.

Did she just Jackie Chan my hug and kiss?

You know, she's been doing that a lot lately.

It's kind of weird, you know?

She's wearing perfume, new hairdo,

won't let me look over her shoulder when she's texting.

It's all sneaky, like...

Well, I think it's pretty obvious

what's going on here.

- Yeah. - Damn right.

Our baby girl's dealing drugs.

Marlon, she wants to look good for boys.

Don't be ridiculous.

Marlon, you can act a fool

all you want, but your baby girl

is crushing on a dude, and y'all better get ready,

'cause the party is about to start.

Well, uh, we black,

and, uh, we coming to that party late.

Yvette, he has been dreading this moment

for Marley's entire life.

Because where I'm from, you have a crush at 14,

you're pregnant by 16,

and you a grandma by 28.

Now, I ain't going to have no little boy

with some nappy hair, talking about, "Hey, Papa."

No.

No, little Negro. Call me Marlon.

Marlon, I remember my first crush.

I think I was, like, 12.

12?

Look, I ain't saying you a ho,

but that's on the spectrum.

Actually, Marlon,

12 is when primitive females gave birth.

The pelvis starts to expand to accommodate the baby's...

Hello?

Why, yes, I would enjoy two free Beyoncé tickets.

I will hold.

Stevie?

I never realized that we both

were fans of Beyoncé.

How about we talk about it over dinner tonight?

My treat?

I see what you're doing, Yvette.

Uh-huh.

And I'm gonna let you do it.

I'd like to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.

The Rainforest Cafe?

That stupid place with all the mechanical parrots

and all that humidity?

Do you know what that place

is gonna do to my hair?

Yes, I do.

Marlon, how exciting.

Our baby has her first crush.

It's gonna be a long time before that party starts.

Well, the clown's here.

Uh, I don't know if you guys can tell,

but I put on a little makeup.

- No, are you kidding me? - No, it looks so natural.

I didn't even know.

I thought you woke up like this.

Dang.

Your face makes me want a Happy Meal.

Well, there's this boy at school, and...

I really like him,

and he asked if he can come over here

to study tomorrow night for our geometry test.

Oh, sweetheart.

Yay. That's so great.

Oh, yeah.

Of course he can come.

Isn't that wonderful, Marlon?

Marlon.

Yeah.

My little girl...

into boys.

Why?

Okay, stop that.

We need to discuss this rationally.

Okay, let's be rational.

I don't want my daughter dating

until we're both dead,

and you're gonna go first...

because I eat well,

and you got a really bad habit

of texting and driving.

Okay.

You know, you always do this.

Remember when you said that she was too young

to take the training wheels off her bicycle?

And remember what happened when you took them off?

She got a bump on the chin, four stitches on the head.

Girl walking around looking like little black Frankenstein.

Look, she's not ready.

She is ready.

And you know what, Marlon?

We're lucky that she came to us.

I tried to go to my dad,

and like you, he overreacted.

I couldn't talk to him.

I learned everything I know now from Prince lyrics.

Oh, damn.

I don't want my baby in a hotel lobby with a magazine.

This is happening.

Now, you can either resist it,

or you can embrace it.

Can't we just stuff her back up in there,

and let her, like...

Hey, baby girl.

So... you like a boy.

So uh, what's the little guy's name?

Eugene.

Eugene!

That's a nice, nerd name.

I'm intrigued.

Tell me about Eugene.

Well, I met him in the drama club, so...

Drama club?

Drama club Eugene!

Oh, do go on.

And he kind of helps out

with the football team.

Water boy!

I'm so nervous.

How do I know if a boy even likes me?

Well, when a boy likes a girl,

he gives her certain looks, right?

It's like your mom. When I first saw her,

I gave her the look over the chain link fence.

Like, "Hey."

Look at her over there giggling.

Look, see, that's when I knew I had her.

She was like, "Mm-hmm,

"I see you over there, Slim.

"With your nappy, curly hair...

"and your lil' cocoa-brown complexion.

"I know you got some Indian in you,

"and I'm not talking about the kind with curry.

"It's either Cherokee,

or you Blackfooted-ed."

Yeah, I don't think I can pull that off.

A'ight.

All you have to do is be yourself.

You know, the day you were born,

I fell in love with you,

and I'm pretty sure Eugene will too.

Thanks, Daddy.

You know, sometimes you really have a way with words.

I hit you off, right?

And sometimes you don't.

Marley's friend is gonna be here any minute.

You sure you gonna be okay?

I'm good. He's a nerd.

There he is right now.

He's probably gonna be like,

"Hi.

"My name is Eugene.

"I love washing jockstraps,

"and I'm totally into the 'Hamilton' soundtrack,

'cause it makes me feel so swagged out."

I'll be fine.

Hey, uh, is Marley home?

Yeah.

Give me one second, brah.

That's a dead man right there.

15.

That brother look every bit of 32.

He probably got a mortgage,

child support payments due.

That man is old.

He look like second-term Barack Obama.

I think he graduated with me.