The Smell of Success

Agent Chestnut, Federal Trade Commision interview.

Please, state your full name.

Patrick Fitzpatrick.

Mister Fitzpatrick,

were you aware of the financial difficulties

at Rose's Manure?

No.

Really?

Because by all accounts and sales records,

Mr. Rose considered you his number two,

and you want me to believe Mr. Rose never mentioned it.

Never.

Well...

You will not be allowed to operate or sell anything

until I have completed my investigation.

And just like that, my life was in the crapper.

With a flick of that recording device,

the flush heard around the country

my career and indeed my heart

all went right down the toilet.

Sure, I've been here before. I was a bullshitter.

I just didn't know how deep I'd stepped in it.

Some men find themselves a manure

and some men find themselves in manure.

I, unfortunately, got caught up

in somebody else's crap.

And how did I end up here?

I followed the smell.

Wet.

Sticky.

Cake.

Moist.

Crumbly.

Dry. Dry-crumbly. And ashed.

You see, the texture, and the weight, and the scent,

tells you everything you need to know.

Take a look at this, sir.

Cow, horse, sheep, chicken,

is our first row.

Here in our second row we have

exotic manures.

These are more potent manures.

I'm about to tell you something.

It's gonna rototill your world.

Mr. Rose's signature mixture.

Or as we like to call it,

The Big Cat.

Take a whiff.

Now how do you like the smell on that pooter.

Ain't it wonderful?

Th-the o-odor is very-very distinct.

Th-th-think of it as...

c-co-coffee.

As you can tell, have a very

complex digestive system.

Here we go.

Smell the roses.

There's no company in the lower 48, between you and me,

that sells a better, more vast selection of quality fertilizer

than Rose's Manure.

We put the promise in your land.

Lord knows it needs it.

You know, smart customers like yourself

that make Rose's Manure

number one in the number two business?

We appreciate it.

Alright, let's give it a try.

OK, sir, you won't regret it.

It's a deal.

I told you I was full of crap.

Horse shit, even bear shit, you name it, I pushed it.

All part and parcel of what makes Rose's manure so damn good.

But I didn't peddle the poo alone, no, sir.

I was just a foot soldier with the finest group

of salesmen I ever had the privilege to know.

- So, any luck today, anybody? - Yeah, sold some Big Cat.

Did you get the 25% deposit?

Oh, yeah.

It's in the car.

I was talking to this one farmer.

All of a sudden,

at about 10 feet away from us, couple of cows going at it,

not shy about it, at all. That's where they live!

I was in his pasture, but, he still could have showed some decorum.

You're more full of shit than my sample case.

Hello?

Mr. Rose's was working.

Oh, hi, Agnes. And I had to take… what Rose's' selling

You know he doesn't want anyone in his office, but I went in anyway.

And Mr. Rose gets a look at me and falls dead.

Bye. And it smells in here…

They need us back at headquarters.

Wh-wh-what'd she say?

Manure's hit the fan.

We're gathered here today,

to lay to rest our beloved boss.

Mr. Rose cared about each one of us.

Mr. Rose knew, The American Dream must start at the bottom.

He was a man among manure.

A man who lived by his many sayings.

"Sometimes you have to step in it,

"to learn how to avoid it."

and "It's better to understand a little,

"than to misunderstand a lot."

The saying that is most dear to my heart is the one Mr. Rose said the day he hired me.

"Our sight is farther than what we can see,

"our hearing is better than what we can hear,

"and our scent,

"stronger than what we can smell."

Now that Mr. Rose is gone, we can all be assured,

that the grass will be richer on the other side.

H-How you're doing, P-Pa-Patrick ?

Ah-Are you OK?

Yeah.

You-You're the b-boss now.

A drink.

To the new boss!

But who could have known, that at that very minute,

a crap storm of monumental magnitude was brewing on the streets of Manhattan

and it was getting ready to blow our way?

The surprise to us all was that Mr. Rose had a daughter.

Rosemary Rose. Sole heir to the Rose's Manure empire.

I wasn't the new boss.

Shit!

She was.

Good morning.

Morning.

My name is Rosemary Rose.

Who is that?

I'm the new owner of Rose's Manure.

It's a wife ?

I need time to evaluate the

company's history, it's past performances and current financial situation.

Also, I'll be meeting with each one of you individually this afternoon to assess

your personal history with the company.

May I just say that some of you may not have a future. Thank you so much.

Who the hell is that?

A nightmare.

How'd you like the boys?

Oh, my gosh!

Do they stink!

You did great!

The salesmen are waiting.

I inherited manure!

He left me with shit, Agnes. Well...

In actuality he left me two million dollars in debt.

It's good to see you, Rosemary.

Is this why he put me through the University of Brown of South-East Baton Rouge,

so that I could bail him out?

I run the best cosmetics counter

in the biggest department store in The New York City, Agnes.

I understand your anger, dear.

We all loved Mr. Rose.

He knew that I didn't want anything to do with this business.

I can't even sell it, you know.

I would have to pay somebody to buy it.

Stop!

Now young Rose can't sell the farm, as it were,

because her old man racked up a crap load of debt

and she has to dig herself out of it first.

Damn, that's the fourth one of us she's fired in the last hour.

Cleveland,

Miss Rose will see you now.

She thinks the best way to do that, is to cut the fat.

Holy crap!

Mr. Clod, I'm conducting employee eveluations

to give me a better understanding

of Rose's Manure's assets and liabilities.

Once completed, I will be able to determine your value

to the company, is that understood?

Do you have any questions ?

No, ma'am.

I've counted sixty two separate complaints.

Well, you can call that sixty two satisfied housewives.

You know what?

Just a simple nod, I think will make this a lot less panful,

for us both.

A Bachelor's in chemistry,

Master's degree in physics?

Yes, ma'am.

May I ask why you're working at Rose's Manure?

My professors repeatedly told me that I had excrement for brains.

After 17 years, I finally got into Mr. Rose's office.

What was the old recluse up to, anyway?

Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Please, come in.

Please, have a seat.

Now, this isn't a test you can either pass or fail.

Why don't we start with your personal history,

and then we will follow through to the employment history. OK.

You served in the Armed Forces from 1940 to 1946.

Your deployment was Baker Island? What is Baker Island?

It's an isolated piece of land completely surrounded by water.

Thank you.

Once discharged, you were employed by Rose's Manure and have been an employee for 17 years.

You've sold over ten thousand tons of manure.

And have been honored with 15 Golden Spade awards for the highest sales.

Is that correct, Mr. Fitzpatrick ? Do you wanna sit down?

- I wonder what your father was up to here. - Frankly, I don't know and I don't care.

I mean, look at this place! There's a lion!