Velma

Previously on Velma.

Guilty.

Based on what?

I'm saving money to hire a private investigator

to find my biological family.

Norville, guess what Daphne gave me?

Uh, is it mononucleosis?

Because I saw you two kiss last night.

Honestly, I think what I really need is a friend.

Me too.

But also maybe a friend who found who--

No.

Let's just keep it simple and try and be friends again.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, this may be hard to believe,

but I was never that popular.

I just never seemed to really fit in

with the other girls.

Ugh, weirdo.

Which was fine.

I always took pride in not fitting the mold.

Oh God!

And while you'd think a brush with a serial killer

might have brought us all together...

Well, it's official.

Two weeks without a murder, y'all.

...you'd have thought wrong.

Oops.

Ugh. I hate hot girls.

Except Daphne.

Help! Help!

I just found another dead girl killed

in exactly the same way as the others.

Well, great.

A $10,000 banner down the drain.

Another dead girl?

So I got good news

and I got bad news.

The good news, as this new girl was murdered

while Fred Jones was in jail,

Fred is exonerated

and going free.

But we just turned his room into an ice skating rink.

Now for the bad news.

The real murderer is still on the loose.

Now, are there any more questions?

Yeah, I have one.

How come no one ever cared this much about my missing mom?

All right! Quiet!

Now, there's a good reason

we're taking this case more seriously

than the "missing mother"

of a mouthy girl.

We've had a breakthrough.

Now, after careful review

of all the evidence,

we have found a pattern.

Interesting.

Each of the victims is hot.

Oh my God! We're hot.

Hold on!

Are you telling us

life is now even harder for beautiful girls?

Gigi and her friends already spent half their days

responding to compliments.

Thank you, Dad. That's so nice.

Tragically, yes.

Our hot little baby.

Now, we don't have the money to protect every student.

So instead we've decided to rank the five hottest girls

at Crystal Cove High School,

and give them each a personal police detail.

Fun, right?

Yeah. We're calling it

the Crystal Cove Hope Initiative.

Yeah, acronyms.

Wait. So a couple of middle aged white dudes

are gonna decide which of us are hottest?

Okay. Well, if you have a better idea

of how to make the list maybe you should do it, Velma.

You want me to make the list?

I'd rather die.

Velma, please.

That's a very insensitive thing to say.

I mean, especially from a student

who is in no danger from a hot girl murderer.

Also, if you don't do it, a bunch of other girls

will be murdered, of course,

and with them,

Crystal Cove's tourism based economy.

Not the economy!

Fine. Though don't forget that ranking hot girls

is exactly how the Trojan War and Facebook started.

Velma, wait up.

On behalf of hot girls everywhere,

thank you for agreeing to make that list.

Friends, Velma.

We both just need to be friends right now.

Especially because I finally have enough money

to hire a detective to find my birth parents.

Uh, hello. I'm a detective.

Velma, you already have too much on your plate.

And our relationship is complicated enough as it is.

Is it though?

Maybe we should hug again to see.

No, you're right.

But if you want to help, take something off my plate,

make this hot girl list for me.

Uh, you mean the list of which of my friends might get to live?

No thanks. One, I hate making lists,

and two... Oh, no, this is a list.

But I can't do it.

Next to you, every other girl looks like a potato in a dress to me.

Aw.

You guys talking about the hot girl list?

Be careful, 'cause us bitches will do anything to get on it.

Anything.

Have fun with this. Bye.

Pick me, Velma.

Hey, Velma. You need to finish that list.

It's bad enough girls might die,

but now my trumpet is dented.

I'm trying. This is the first chance I've had to focus.

Thank God, hot girls would rather be murdered

than enter the band room.

And the hot girls are distracting

because you recently came out

and get too turned on to focus.

-Got it, copy. -Norville,

I didn't come out, I told you.

I like Daphne but also find Fred attractive.

He has this deep, inexplicable magnetism.

That's called being rich, but go on.

But Daphne, our personalities just click.

I can't explain it.

Mmm, I see.

But if you had to explain it, so I... I mean, someone

could possibly study Daphne's personality and emulate it,

so you liked him instead of her.

Ugh. This is exactly the problem with this list.

Men make everything about them and what they want.

Not me. I'm an ally.

Now get back to my question.

Our whole lives, girls are told by guys

there's a right way to be hot, and I'm not it.

Guys even teach us to be ashamed of our own bodies.

Every little kid knows how to draw a penis,

but make a little kid draw a vagina,

and what happens?

-You go to jail? -Exactly.

But now, because of this list,

I have to validate everything I hate

about men's ideas of beauty norms

or girls will die.

And one of them might be Daphne.

Imagine all the things you'd miss about her personality.

In this form, out loud, and go.

Okay, look, I know my hottest list won't help you.

But if you can manage

to not get too horned up from his magnetism,

we do know a guy who might be able to help.

Mmm.

Mom, stop.

Not in front of my gang.

Hey, Fred.

Wow! You look good after jail.

And you're way less stabbed to death than I expected.

Uh, thanks. You look--

Why am I here?

I need your help ranking the five hottest girls

at Crystal Cove High.

Yeah, I don't know.

I did that for the science fair last year

and got suspended.

Your entry was called, "From Freud to Jung: An exploration in horniness."

But it's fine. The police need the list to keep hot girls safe.

Oh, so like charity work? Okay.

But if this doesn't help restore my public image

as a good guy, I'mma be pissed.

All right.

Yes...

Yes...

Yeah!

Daphne, Olive,

Gigi, Becca and... Kimmy?

But Kimmy's so sweet.

Wait. Is it an inner beauty thing?

No, it's a huge-cans thing.

Now, anything else I can do for you?

Yeah, maybe read this.

The Feminine Mystique.

No way, I love Mystique.

Is this about whether Jennifer Lawrence is hotter than Rebecca Romijn?

Well, I'm excited to see

how they settled that in under 400 pages.

Look, kid, I know you wanna find your biological parents,

but as my name makes clear, I'm too short

and too high to be useful.

Moms, my door's locked.

Sorry, sweetie, we had no choice.