Pete versus Life

Welcome, and you join us with our socially inept, young sports writer

cleaning up the kitchen. A rare occurrence!

What on Earth's going on?

They're taking things slow, but tonight's the night.

He must be keen, because against every sinew of his body,

he's gone out and bought a scented candle!

Dear...

Hey, don't take that down!

I'm not having a girl think I like Simply Red.

With Simply Red.

In Zimbabwe, they were the only

Mick Hucknall was the only one who understood us?

Plus all other music was banned.

You're in Britain now and everyone here thinks he's shit.

Sorry, but there's no nice way of saying it.

All right, Dad?

Hello, Peter. May I come in?

Yeah, all right.

Frank! How's it, bru?

No. Your mother and I are having a bit of a break from each other.

What?! Yeah.

What do you mean?

You're doing the right thing, Frank.

It's like my uncle and auntie back in Zimbabwe.

He took some time out and came back to the relationship

with his batteries fully charged.

Though he found my auntie having a three-way

with two of the farmhands and killed himself.

Manfred, would you mind?

So is it all right if I stay here for a bit?

Wouldn't you be happy in a hotel, like the ones Lenny Henry advertises?

Those sort of prices are only available online months in advance.

'Now that suitcase looks heavy. He could be here for a while.

'Yeah, Frank's outmanoeuvred him there. Extra experience.'

Do you want tea?

Yes, please.

So what happened?

It doesn't matter. Course it does!

I don't want to be rude about your mother,

but she's a lot more deceitful than I thought

and I don't feel I can trust her any more.

What, you mean she's been shagging another...?!

I'm feeling hurt and humiliated and I don't want to talk about it.

God!

This milk's off!

Don't worry about that.

I should... I'm going to sort this milk out, all right?

Hi, Chloe, it's Pete. I'm really, really, really sorry

but I can't do tonight cos my dad's just turned up!

That is a terrible message to have to leave.

Especially one with his testosterone levels.

Hello. I bought this milk this morning and it seems to be off.

Can't be mine.

It is. I bought it two hours ago.

Give it here.

No, mate, it's not off. Look.

Doesn't matter what the sell by date is, give it a little smell.

Smells all right to me. What do you think, Andy?

It's a fine pint of milk you got. There's nothing wrong with that.

Look, it's off and it's no wonder it's off.

Why don't you take some Cokes

out your fridge to make room for your milk?

Take my cans of Coke out?! Get out of here!

Look, this is nuts! It's bad enough I've got to pay £1.40 for it!

No, it is a lovely shopping experience

Two CCTV cameras and a drunk Irish bloke's "nice".

You're a grand lad.

I need the cameras. People keep trying to stab me.

Maybe people would stop trying to stab you if your milk wasn't off.

I'll just have a new milk, please.

Help yourself. £1.40.

You're joking, yeah?

No.

Yeah, you heard. From now on, I'll be buying my stuff elsewhere.

Take your off milk and stick it up your arse!

Hey, steady on!

'Pete couldn't face a night in with his dad,

though there's an England friendly on.

'So, he ordered cheap margaritas to inject a sense of fun.'

Why are you young fellas hanging around with me?

'Hasn't worked though, Colin.'

This bar is full of top-class birds.

You still say "birds"? Dada!

I prefer to say women. It's more respectful.

Or punani.

When I was your age, I was having a crack, giving it all that.

When you get to my age,

the only things you regret are the things you never did.

No, I'm not. Well, you should.

So, what's the classiest punani you've ever pulled?

Well, that would have to be...

Noreen.

Well done! Nice one, mate

Noreen, what happened to us?

I tell you what I saw the other day,

it was clips of people on level crossings being missed by trains.

Very funny. Hilarious.

Yeah, I feel like I've been hit by a train.

People getting missed by trains - it's different.

Marriage is a lot like a train.

But there was no advance warning when my train hit trouble.

Somebody just dropped a breeze block off a bridge and killed the driver!

Sorry...

It's all right. It's OK.

This is really important. ..Hello?

My parents have gone to a party and they're staying. Can you come over?

Yes, I can, yeah. That's no problem.

Cool! Bye! All right.

'This will require the utmost tact and diplomacy.'

It's all right, Frank. Look Pete's coming back.

Lads, I've got to shoot off.

What?!

Chloe's got an emergency. I've got to go.

A fanny-related emergency?

Yeah! You'll be all right, won't you, Dad?

I don't know. I hope so.

Well, you're in good hands. I'll see you later.

You've got to be kidding!

No.

Come on, Frank, let it all out.

Just don't touch me!

I'm going to fuck your...

Hello, Jen. I didn't know you were here.

Peter.

No.

There it is!

'So, while we ride out this awkward pause,

'let's have a look at Chloe's parents.

'Well, there's Jen, who once dated Robert Peston, BBC Business Editor.

'Mike, a consultant surgeon, who'd prefer his daughter

'to be dating someone who can swim further than ten metres.

'But I think he's about to say something... '

You didn't stay at the party?

Our host was the director of a rather large fish canning company.

I think you can see our dilemma.

Who wants to eat tinned fish at a party?

No, he is complicit in the unsustainable over-fishing of the world's fish stocks.

And that's why you left?

Yes.

I'd have done that, too.

So, Chloe said you're back together. That's very, um...

Yeah! It is, isn't it?

So how did you two hook up again?

Well, we bumped into each other at an Eva Cassidy tribute concert.

"Bumped into" isn't totally accurate.

He kept an eye on her through Facebook,

saw she was going to a concert and engineered bumping into her.

On the downside, he had to buy three Eva Cassidy albums.

Are you sure this is all right?

Yeah, it's fine. My parents are really cool.

All right then.

Maybe we should just get some sleep.

Yeah, yeah...

Night. Night.

'Look at the thickness of that wall...

'You don't want to be have sex with a lass,

'when you're five inches from her dad's head.

'No, you do not! Well, observed, Terry.

'Well, here we are an hour later. Pete struggled to get to sleep,

'then remembered the game highlights would be on the computer.

'Yeah, England already five-nil up against the depleted Bulgarians.'

Yes! Get stuck in!

Pete, stop it.

Not much longer. Chloe, look at that.

Eat it! In it goes!

Stop it, Pete!

You dirty bastard!

I've had enough!

Go on. And another one. And another one.

Yes!

Back of the net!

Morning!

Morning.

What would you like for breakfast?

Anything at all. I'm easy. Choc Boulders?

I don't think so.

But we did have our five-year-old niece staying.

Sleep well, Mike?

We didn't do anything.

Do not treat me like a fool.

"Eat it. In it goes. Back of the net"?!

I was watching the football. I had earphones on.

Even you can do better than that.

No, no, that, that... It's true! Look, it's there. Look, we won 7-0.

That would actually make sense.

Sorry.

I'm afraid all I've got is organic oatmeal.

I'll do my best with it!

Don't worry, Mike, we all make mistakes. That's so funny.

Your dad thought I was forcing you to have rough sex, which I would never do.

When we were going out before we had straight vanilla sex.

Which was lovely.

Right, shall we just have breakfast?

This looks...

Mm, lovely. That's really nice.

Sorry about that.

Probably made it a little bit more awkward than I needed to.

Don't worry, it was Mike's fault.

Yeah.

But maybe you could make a bit more of an effort with him.