Deliver Us from Eva

You know when a funeral is really awful?

When it's yours.

That's me, ray adams--

young, gifted and dead.

These are my remains.

And these three mournful brothers,

they're the men who killed me.

Aw, they look so sad, don't they?

But this is how they really feel.

But they're not the real reason I'm dead.

These are their women. Fine, ain't they?

Some families are blessed with great genes,

and the dandridge sisters had it all.

But they're not the reason I'm dead either. She is.

How did this sweet-faced woman cause a man to die?

Well, it began six months ago. go! Go! Go!

- - now howard cuts up the middle,

- breaks a tackle and gets the first down. -

Hey, baby, that's really nice of you, sweetie, but we already have some food here.

- what are you doing in here? - trying to watch the game that's right behind you.

My book club is meeting in here tonight.

Baby, remember when we talked last month?

You said it was okay if we watched the game.

Oh, yeah. Eva changed all that. She was supposed to tell you.

- well, she didn't. - hey, it's the men. What are you doing here?

Are you joining our book club? It's gonna be very enlightening.

Sweetness, precious, listen.

Would it be okay, you know, if you could take it in the other room?

- Because we're all settled in. - yeah, the other room.

- well, I guess we could. - you got a great girl!

I love you, baby. no! No, we cannot!

Oh, yeah-- oh.

Michael, timothy, darrell.

Our book club is reading beloved,

and we're gonna need the television to watch the film when we're done.

Oh, yeah. That's right, honey. We need the room.

You did not tell me you wanted to use the room in my house, eva.

Well, I'm telling you right now, timothy.

And it is half my sister's house too.

Community property.

See, 'cause I want kareenah to make a good impression on the book club.

Don't you? No!

- excuse me? - yes.

Look, we were here first, eva.

Yes, but certainly the temporal proximity of our advents...

Isn't determinative, is it?

- I'll get back to you on that one. - yeah.

'Cause I don't know what she just said right there.

- you don't get to me with your $50 words, eva. - that's right.

What would you say if I demanded you to leave this room?

Yeah. Yeah.

I would say I find your particular brand of crack very amusing.

This isn't about a book...

Versus a football game, fellas.

Oh, no. This is about men versus women.

Women who aspire to culture...

And men who aspire to scratch themselves.

Women who bear the burdens in life and men who create those burdens.

Women who uplift humanity and men who uplift lap dances.

If society were left to the whims of men,

we'd still be in caves carving pictures with our non-opposable thumbs.

So, today, gentlemen,

is the day for civilized behavior.

Today we women raise our voices against tyranny, crudeness and play-off games.

And that is it, gentlemen.

End of story. The fat lady's singing! Out of the room.

By the way, if any of that was lost upon you, then I've just proven my point again.

Excuse me.

Kareenah, baby,

I am putting my foot down.

Damn! Damn! I can't stand her.

I can't stand her either, but you really need to calm down.

You're making me stressed. You need to stand up to your wife, timothy.

It's like she took your balls and turned them into earrings.

Your wife is bling-blingin' with your nuts.

This is what we get for being with eva's little sisters.

They could never stand up to us without eva.

I really did think I was getting one of the fabulous dandridge girls.

I didn't know it came with the sister-in-law from hell.

You gotta admit, they were the finest women in the neighborhood.

We used to say their daddy's johnson-- should be bronzed. Right.

Did you notice how they stuck together in an argument?

One for all and all for eva. That's how they're getting down.

Come on, fellas. We need to be more compassionate.

Their parents died when they were young and left them alone,

so they have to stick together. Yeah.

I should've used that argument to get on eva about that dandridge fund.

- you know what? I would've done it. - look at you cosigning.

Mike, please, you need to let that go. Every time. Okay.

They've been putting money in that account ever since they were teenagers.

- what are they doing with it? Nothing. - Step away from my man.

I bet they don't even know how much is in there.

- There's no need for this. - if he's your man, then what's he doing here with me?

Charity work, heifer. Look-- look-- hey, hey, hey!

This is just a big misunderstanding, okay?

Fellas, I know that brother. Yo, ray!

Hey!

I didn't even know he was back in town.

You should be mad at me, not each other.

I've been dating both of you, and-- true, we don't have a commitment.

But I couldn't decide between you. Hey, fellas.

I think he might be the man to rid us of eva.

That dude? Aw, hell, no. You'd be better off getting ike turner.

They're about to cuss his ass out and leave him high and dry. Watch.

- yeah, he's right. - let's go, ray.

Oh, me too? Uh-huh.

- get out of here! - be right back.

- Did you see that? Did you see that? - wow!

- Good to see you, man. - yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Fellas, he said he'll meet us here the day after tomorrow.

So he's a freak. How does that help us with eva?

- eva just needs a man. - come on, now.

Remember, we tried that? Remember rashaun? Yeah.

All I said was, you was a little uptight.

But I like that though.

So it was like a compliment in reverse.

Oh, reverse. Right. I see. Yeah. Yeah.

You feeling me. Yeah, sure.

Did you know that female spiders eat the male when she's done with him?

Yeah. They date, they laugh, and then she turns his ass into a crab cake.

Now, while the prospect of biting your head off makes me happy,

I am sure that ultimately you are not a happy meal.

So I'm moving on to better cuisine.

Good-bye, rashaun.

Eva, wait. You're just gonna say good-bye?

Oh, no, it's not good-bye. It's hello in reverse.

Eva. Come on, girl.

- eva put that man in the mental ward. - you're always exaggerating.

Eva drove the brother insane. I seen him last week.

Dude sound like ron hopper. Now he t-t-talk like th-th-this.

This can work with ray. The boy is a specialist.

He is a master player.

Listen, ray can get eva to let go of her sisters.

Then when it's just us and them, we can have all their love.

- right, right. - we can get him to seduce her.

- yes! - 'cause all she really needs is some you-know-what.

Hold up. What eva really needs is a sensitive man--

somebody that can help her with her personality problems.

What she needs is a dude that can hit that ass till she starts speaking in tongues.

- amen. -

Right, right, right. Can ray do that?

okay, later, after we finish doing it,

we're gonna lie together and hold each other and talk for a while, right?

Okay. We can do it, but I have to study. Come on.

Eva says if I stick to a study schedule-- don't say the "e" word.

- not in this house. - I have to stick to my study schedule, okay?

All of us agreed. What is with you dandridge women?

I love my sisters, okay? I'm sorry.

I love you too. It's just in a different way.

Okay. Then I demand that you love me the same way that you love them.

You and them-- it's like apples and oranges.

What? Lady, I am your husband, okay? I pledged my life to you...

Before god and a bunch of ugly-ass relatives I don't even like.

I gave up all my wild ways for you, and, baby, I had a hell of a lot of them.

I never told you about the roses and the butt-naked midgets or none of that shit.

I had midget pros in different area codes. Uh-huh.

Therefore, I demands to be a damn orange.

You can stop playing now. You know what? Fine.

If a brother can't be an orange, then you're cut off.

I'm cut off? Yeah.

For real? That's right. Back up.

I'm cut off? You gonna cut me off? Don't touch me.