The League

I dominated you last year like the '85 Bears.

Oh, God.

And so I present to you... the Shiva Bowl Shuffle!

Oh, you know what?

Holy shitballs.

This is his whole fantasy team.

Good evening, my lords and ladies!

Perhaps I can interest you in a fair ditty.

Now, I play for my heart, but I don't mind a ha'penny or two.

He's really getting a lot better.

Yeah, the lessons have helped, yeah.

You made him take lessons?

I just told him his punishment was he had to play the flute.

He took the lessons on his own.

Oh, no, turn around.

Got to keep going.

Work the finish.

Do the kicks.

Ah, your horseless carriage.

Oh, that girl looks terrified.

It's definitely less creepy when you follow them onto the bus.

I'll be here all week!

The good news is you're becoming one heck of a flute player.

Uh, it is flautist, thank you very much.

And you would know, from all your years of playing the skin flute down here.

You just have to put your fingers up here now.

It's the skin flaut, though.

And when is this Sacko punishment going to actually end, all right?

You know the deal, Andre.

The day of the draft, you can shave off whatever you like.

Boo.

Boo.

Aw... Boo.

Now, Andre, do you see yourself more as like a rapist

who does magic, or a magician who also likes to rape?

Big distinction.

Well, with me magic always comes first.

Of course. Of course.

Yeah.

I want the season to start so badly.

I want to shave this off.

I want to be a new man again.

Stop complaining, okay?

You're lucky we're even having a season.

This almost didn't happen.

Yeah.

We would have been the real losers here.

This guy would have been champion for a whole other year.

No way DeMaurice Smith and Roger Goodell would have let that happen.

Well, I am champion this year.

And I feel like it's time to step it up a notch.

I wish that I could take out the Shiva every day and show it to

you pathetic, also-ran, shit sippers, but I can't.

What did you do to the Shiva?

I didn't touch the Shiva.

What did you do to the Dre?

I will never touch the Dre.

But I did do this.

Bam!

Whoa.

It says "Shiva Champ."

It says "Suck it" on the side, though.

Ow!

Ah, I Pretty Woman'd you.

So, with this ring, I thee wed, Shiva.

Wow.

Want to touch it?

Want to smell it?

Get it out of my face, please.

Want to kiss it?

No.

A little Shiva-lingus?

Come on, Kevin.

Find out if it tastes the same.

"One ring to rule them.

One ring to find them, and in darkness bind them."

You are Sauron.

Hell are you talking about?

Uh, Lord of the Rings?

Ever read it?

Oh, you're so alone.

Hey, what's going on?

What's Taco doing here?

I thought Taco was still on his round-the-world trip.

Hey, long time, no see.

Where did he get that?

Oh, man, I missed you so much.

Hello?

Oh, hey.

Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

When did you get back?

Came straight from the airport.

That's why I still have my luggage.

You traveled around the world for seven months with a

glorified fanny pack?

It was easy.

Used my international Eskimo brothers network.

Can you believe these guys don't know who Sauron is?

Andre, when did you become a high school music teacher?

Oh, actually I'm a flautist.

You play the flaut?

Buck. Buck.

Hi.

So you're in the Taliban now, or...

No, not anymore.

Worst April of my life.

Hey, bang-bang, what's the hang?

Bang-bang.

What's that?

When I was in Algeria, I was an actor on a soap opera.

What?

Howdy, folks.

Whoa.

What?

I want you to meet my boyfriend Buck.

American?

That's right, I'm American.

Bang-bang, what's the hang?

What are you supposed to be?

I'm an American rapper/cowboy/cautionary tale.

These are actually pretty comfortable.

Oh, Taco, a burka?

What?

Back in the USA, we get venereal disease from our cell

phones, and homeless people know karate and carry guns.

Did you have a relationship with the costar?

No, no, no, we were just having sex.

Baba, Mama, we're in love.

Mashizzle, maslizzles.

Rama-damn.

Are you like under contract?

Are you going back?

Well, we shot two endings.

In one ending I marry Husna and in one ending I wear this weird

vest with wires on it... Oh, my God.

And I walk into a building and wake up with 40 virgins.

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

Spoiler alert!

Okay, "To correct bad behavior, use a low, stern voice

and a foot stomp."

Stay.

Stay.

Good boy.

Hey.

Good boy.

You do realize I wanted a baby though, right?

Yeah, I do realize.

I don't feel virile right now.

I'm not inspired to go into this season.

I have a very low draft drive.

You got to know that me having a baby is not going to fix that.

Okay, knocking me up doesn't make you a champion.

I, as much as I wish I could, cannot give birth to a Shiva.

You got to win it.

I can win things on my own.

You going to win this?

I can do stuff on my own.

I could eat Pop Tarts raw.

Use a plate.

Why?

We have a furry dustbuster now.

Here you go.

Go get it.

Use... a... plate.

Okay.

All right, let's pick the draft order and get things things going.

Let's do it. Really?

This is what you have prepared?

Names out of a hat?

I'm not here to entertain you guys.

This is about winning this year.

I'm streamlining the process.

Besides, this isn't a hat.

This is a... It's a cobra box that I brought back from India-- the country.

Exactly.

Are we waiting for Ruxin, or... No, we have a quorum.

Let's get this done.

I have an appointment with Anton my barber.

All right.

The first person to pick in the 2011 draft will be... Let's get it.

It's gonna be good.

Okay.

Ruxin.

Oh, man.

Come on.

So the first pick in the 2011 draft goes to...

Wait.

No, no, we're not going to do... Yeah.

We should do this.

This is very simple.

Okay, we just say, Hey, Ruxin, you pick, like, fifth.

And it'll be totally fine as long as one of us is drafting after him.

Right?

Oh, oh, no.

Yeah, well, that seems appropriate.

Me?