M*A*S*H

Give me another clamp.

Mmm.

Golden, golden.

Ahh.

Ah, 17 straight hours of surgery.

Anybody seen my back?

I could sleep for a week.

You promised to do my toenails.

Tick a lock.

Does he really do her toenails?

His father was a world‐famous manicurist.

Son of a gun.

You're always full of comebacks.

Thank you.

Kellye, I want an hourly report

on that arterial transplant patient.

Yes, Doctor.

Colonel Potter? Uh, Colonel.

Oh, we just got a radio message from Nurse Cratty.

What's a Nurse Cratty?

Meg Cratty. Runs a civilian orphanage

about 30 miles north of here.

Uh, sir, she said they're being shelled

and they've got to evacuate.

Good Lord, all those children.

Happened last year, too. They bunked with us.

Some of the kids are sick,

and she's got a pregnant woman who's gonna have a baby.

Oh, no! Are we gonna have to go through that again?

‐They steal! ‐Burns, shut your face.

Last year, they took a roll of my best toilet paper.

They just wanted to look at the pictures.

Let's get cuttin'.

Major, break out the extra cots, blankets, pillows,

‐whatever we need. ‐Yes, sir.

Corporal, I'll need a detail.

All right, everybody.

We're getting company from the orphanage.

I need the mattresses. Bill, please.

Klinger, put that down. I need you.

‐You just said pick it up! ‐We need supplies.

Mattresses, cots, extra blankets, extra pillows.

Got any of those little towels?

Get those mattresses outta here.

Put those two cots in Colonel Potter's tent.

Those two in Colonel Potter's tent.

Put these two cots in, uh, Major Burns' tent.

Major Burns' tent. Those two.

‐Put these two in my tent. ‐Those two in her tent.

Are you gonna stand there clowning around,

or are you gonna help me?

Major, I guess you haven't noticed!

‐This is not a house dress. ‐Go get in your fatigues.

‐Fatigues? In the evening? ‐Move it!

‐Isn't she beautiful? ‐FRANK: Margaret!

Put that in my tent. I have to get this done, Frank.

Margaret. Margaret. Come here, come here, come here.

What is it?

I wanna show you something.

Not here!

No, this came in a box, when we were working.

Okay, keep it moving. Keep it moving.

‐It's a Purple Heart. ‐Yeah!

‐Well, who's it for? ‐Me, silly!

You? How? When?

How‐‐ When were you wounded?

Oh, you know, last month,

when those two snipers infiltrated.

‐You never told me. ‐Well...

I know. You didn't want to worry me.

Oh, well, when have I ever asked for sympathy, hmm?

Resisting the pain.

‐Yeah. ‐Holding it back.

Keeping that tiny little chin firm.

Laugh, clown, laugh.

‐(wincing) ‐Oh, I'm sorry.

‐Wanna get that side? ‐Yeah, I got it.

I'll do this. Why don't you start the other one?

Ah, shame you decided to become a doctor.

You'd have made a great chambermaid.

‐I've done both in my time. ‐Hmm.

Worked in a resort hotel to help my way through pre‐med.

Ten dollars a week

and all the pride I could swallow.

Oh, caramba!

Don't tell me we're having two foreigners

sleeping in here.

Frank, this is their country.

We're the ones from out of town.

Oh, always attacking us and defending them.

If you like it so much, why don't you live here?

I do live here, Frank.

You know, you really ought to see

a proctologist about possible brain damage.

What's that you're wearing, Frank?

Just my citation.

Citation, Gracie?

That's a Purple Heart.

Yeah, it's a Purple Heart.

You were never wounded.

I most certainly was!

When?

During the sniper attack a month ago.

I got a shell fragment in my eye.

Hold the phone, Central!

I'm the one who treated that eye.

That was an eggshell fragment.

Nevertheless, it was the result of combat,

and it's on my service record as "shell fragment."

You were breaking open a boiled egg and got nervous.

Those are for kids who really get shot up.

‐I could have lost my eye! ‐Oh, yeah.

There are hundreds of cases of losing an eye

from a three‐minute egg!

‐Give it back, Frank. ‐Not on your Nellie!

Frank, you don't get medals for other people's blood.

She's here, sirs, Nurse Cratty.

‐They're here. ‐Come on.

Sir?

Uh, Major?

I know, I'm not "deef!"

Hi.

Okay.

‐Hiya, Meg. ‐Oh,

would you believe they're bombin' us again?

War is no fun if you don't bomb orphans.

This is, uh, Dr. Hunnicutt.

Trapper John's gone Stateside.

My sympathies to both of ya.

Thanks.

Well, Colonel.

‐You look terrific. ‐Well, of course I do.

I just came from the beauty parlor.

Is this your whole bunch?

All except the little mother‐to‐be.

We dropped her down the road to visit her in‐laws.

She'll be along.

Hi. I remember you.

‐Well, Father. ‐Lovely.

I just washed.

Mama san, Mama san. Mama san.

‐She thinks I'm a woman. ‐Never dreaming.

I gave you jockey shorts for Mother's Day.

Okay, open your mouth.

I hope you like this.

Some of it was cooked before you were born.

Right this way.

You got a little passenger here.

I'll take him from you.

Come on.

Hmm, eyes clear.

Got two bits, Joe?

My name is Major Burns, not Joe.

And I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Jasper.

‐Next. ‐Frank, give the poor child a quarter.

‐No! ‐Frank,

stick a crowbar in your wallet and give it to him!

‐Here. ‐Thanks.

‐You're welcome. ‐Match you double or nothing, Joe?

See?

Well, you don't have to play with him.

Hmm, I'm gonna teach him a lesson.

All right.

Thanks.

Next!

Little cheat.

Oh, Frank, how did he cheat?

Oh, they have their ways.

How'd he lose his leg?

Oh, they pick up shells to sell for brass.

Once in a while, they get a live one.

Oh, God.

Okay.

You've already had your inoculation.

Four bits? Double or nothing?

‐Am‐scray! ‐(sputter)

‐We wanna hear a story. ‐I don't know any stories.

‐Come on, tell us a story. ‐Honest, I don't know any stories.

You tell a story. You gotta practice for your little girl.

Well, I could tell them, um,

about "Jack and the Beanstalk,"

but I have a fear of heights.

Freud says that has something to do with sex.

My wife's only 5'1".

‐Aw, give us a story. ‐Story.

Okay, okay. Once there was an army doctor‐‐

a bad, bad major.

What did he do?

He pretended he deserved something

that only certain soldiers can have.

He accepted a medal that he wasn't entitled to.

If you think I don't know who you're talking about, you're a dumb Dora.

Okay, okay. I'll give it a try.

Once upon a time...

You're a natural.

A long, long time ago,

there lived a young man...

named Androcles.

Now, Androcles was a very kind, very gentle young man.

One day he was taking a walk in the wilds,