The Good Place

Well, that's just...

that's uncomfortable.

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

What's up?

Tell us what happened. Did we win, did we lose?

Is humanity saved forever?

And did you find Nintendo? I can't find it any... whoop.

Never mind. I'm holding it.

Sorry, I can't reveal the results of the experiment

until we get to the Judge's chambers.

Okay, where is everyone?

Where's Simone and John and Brent

and actually I don't care about any of those doofs.

- Where's Chidi? - Oh, he's on the toilet.

Sorry, that's not enough information.

The text subjects are frozen in stasis,

so I put them in the bathroom,

and I placed Chidi on the toilet,

the best seat.

Let's wake him up. You know, so I can, like,

be reunited with the man I love.

Snappy, snappy, memory fixy.

The Judge says no one gets unfrozen

until she's ruled on the case.

Oh, humans have to stay here.

- You can't see the numbers. - Hang on.

I worked my ash off running this neighborhood

for a full year,

and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did?

Yes. And here's a bottle of tequila.

Okay, let us know how it goes.

_

Regardless of what the Judge rules,

this feels like some sort of good-bye.

Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee

she'll keep us together.

She might just snap her fingers

and send us flying into different dimensions.

How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?

Aw, man, are we gonna die again?

We've died so many times.

We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now.

It's getting annoying.

If it would cheer you up,

I could tell you what happened at your original funerals.

Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that...

Uh, please stop.

I don't want to hear it.

what about mine?

Your friends didn't say things about you

so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.

Yeah, in Jacksonville,

that's the first stage of grief.

In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral,

or they can put your body out on a shooting range,

and you get a $200 state tax credit.

Hang on.

This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling.

Let's throw ourselves the funeral

to end all funerals.

Awesome.

And you know what they say in Florida:

"If you don't like this funeral, just wait a minute."

Ugh. The Judge's chambers. I hate this place.

What's the wi-fi password? There is no service.

Shawn.

Michael.

Bounces of me, and sticks to you.

Wait. No, I messed that up.

First, say something mean to me,

really cruel, something that just guts me.

You're totally gonna be glue.

So it's come to this.

We have finally arrived at the end

of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans

are more than just mobile turd factories,

and you are going to fail again

because that is what you do.

You're a choker, Michael.

And you're about to choke for the last time...

except for the eternity you're going to spend

in the Bad Place being choked by me,

who will be doing the choking.

Well, you're glue.

Wow.

- Look at this place. - Beautiful.

The floor.

Hello, Good Place committee. Thank you for coming.

No, thank you, Michael.

You did an incredible job,

maybe the best job that anyone's ever done at any task.

But you don't know how we did.

We might not know how you did,

but we know you did great.

And Shawn, before we even find out what happened,

we want you to know we're willing to give up

all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway.

I met your mom halfway last night.

So colorful!

We are here to celebrate the afterlife

of Tahani Al-Jamil,

in the place she felt most comfortable,

the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Tahani was super nice,

and she deserved for people

to be nicer to her than they were.

The only sad thing is that

she never got over her speech impediment.

Tahani improved so much over her many lives,

but she also helped me improve.

She taught me lots of stuff,

like bras shouldn't be painful,

and you don't buy bras at Home Depot,

and they don't sell bras at Home Depot.

What the hell are you wearing?

For the record,

it was a men's back support harness,

and it worked in a pinch.

She was the best friend I ever had...

and I loved her.

Oh, thank you so much.

That was wonderful.

I wish Chidi was here.

It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals.

Can someone grab his arm?

My hands are kind of full with his butt.

How'd he get so jacked?

When he was 14, someone told him that

exercise alleviated anxiety,

and he started doing pushups and basically never stopped.

All right, everyone.

Let's get this done.

This is the single most important case

that has ever appeared in my court,

and the results will have ramifications for eternity.

Before we begin,

I'm going to need you all to sign this.

A petition to bring back "Ally McBeal."

Well, yeah.

I mean, everything else is getting rebooted.

Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type.

Is it Zendaya or Zendaya?

Zendaya.

Or... I don't...

I mean, who wouldn't watch that?

Am I right? Anyone?

Fine.

Take it away, Matt.

Okay, the moment we've all been waiting for.

The test results that dictate the future of humanity.

Here we go. In 30, 29...

Two, one.

Voilà.

I thought this would be fun.

Had a lot of time alone in there.

Bam!

Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth.

Bam! Chidi got 26% better.

Bam! John got 44% better.

Shoot.

Shouldn't have committed so hard to this "bam" thing.

Funeral!

Jason, at the risk of getting an answer

that might thoroughly depress me,

what made you choose this setting?

There's a Jacksonville tradition

of having your funeral where you were born.

I got born in the deep end of a pool

right after my mom did a cannonball.

Well, I knew the risks.

You never really talk about your mom.

Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.

I lost her to the big C.

That's what we called the crocodile

that lived by my house.

I'm just playing. It was cancer.

Watch me do a handstand.

Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life.

He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten

to having a piñata on his birthday

was when a seagull ate too many condoms

on the beach and exploded.

But despite it all,

he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.

Jason was the very first person

to ask me about my feelings.

I hadn't had any yet,

but it made me want to go get some.

I could see something special inside him

that no one else could see.

It was a multi-colored blob

of positivity right behind his sternum.

That's my Jason,

a big, colorful, rainbow blob

stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.

Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy

so I could talk about what really mattered in life.

Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.

Statham forever!

Indeed.