Two and a Half Men

We got to go.

We just got here.

Yeah, I know, but I got to go.

The sit-down "go."

No, I am... I am tired of being a slave

to your fear of public bathrooms.

Do you know what people do in there?

They go to the bathroom.

Exactly. It's-It's not the seat as much as...

: the splash.

You have ruined a lot of things that I enjoy,

and I am not gonna let you take pooping from me.

Oh, fine, but every time you use a public bathroom,

you are putting your ass

against every other ass that has ever been there.

See this guy?

I might as well rub my naked butt all over his.

And he took pooping from me.

Excuse me. Walden?

Yes?

I-I'm sure you don't remember me,

but I used to work for you.

Sorry, I don't remember your name.

It's Nicole, but you'd always call me Michelle.

Right! Michelle!

Yeah. Hey.

How you doing? I-I haven't seen you

around the office in a while.

Yeah, I stopped going in after you fired me.

Oh. Wow.

That is...

Are you here to kill me?

I'm actually trying to get a tech start-up off the ground.

Or as my mom calls it,

wasting 20 hours a day in the garage

and not giving her grandkids.

Let me guess: You're looking for help.

With the company,

not the grandkids.

I mean, not that

I wouldn't want to... with you...

Can you talk now?

I amlooking for help... with the company.

I'll let you know about the grandkids.

Well, I would love to hear about it.

Why don't you call my office, and we'll set something up?

Yeah, when I worked for you, I was kind of in charge

of blowing off the people you told to "call your office."

So you get it.

Look, 15 years ago,

you cornered Bill Gates in a steam room,

and six months later, you were a billionaire.

Yeah, what you don't know is

that I also got Tased in the nuts

by a security guard named Randy.

Look, I think I have a really good idea.

Everything you need to know is right in here.

Okay. I'll take a look at it.

Thank you.

I didn't even have to get Tased in the lady nuts.

I still might Tase you later.

Oh, it's not weird.

We-we know each other.

I fired her.

I couldn't do it.

We got to go. Now. Now!

What?

This is not a drill!

Code brown! Code brown!

I wonder if I could train him to go in the yard.

Wow.

Oh.

Yeah, that was fun.

Two thumbs up.

Felt like more than that.

Hey, uh, thanks for letting me stay over.

Thanks for letting me stay under.

Mmm.

You know, I've been thinking--

we've been doing this for a couple of weeks,

and I don't know that much about you.

Well, you know all the important things.

My favorite color's pink, my favorite singer is Pink,

my favorite body part is...

Okay, fine. If you don't want to talk,

we don't have to talk.

No, I'm kidding.

Come on, ask me anything.

Tell me about your family. What's your mom like?

Well, she's very, very pretty.

Mm-hmm. Not too bright.

Her boyfriend went to Harvard Law School,

and then broke up with her, because he wanted a Jackie,

and she was more of a Marilyn,

so she decided to study real hard...

Hold on a second.

That's the plot to Legally Blonde.

You saw that, huh?

Uh, all right, I'll-I'll... I'll tell you the truth.

My mom is a beautiful prostitute.

Oh. And my dad,

Richard Gere...

You're unbelievable.

Cut me some slack!

I grew up in a town that didn't allow dancing!

Mm. Good morning.

Actually, it's a great morning.

Somebody gave me a billion-dollar idea.

Oh, you got my e-mail.

You know, with my idea.

The app that helps you find a clean public restroom

anywhere in the world.

I called it "Crapster."

Yeah, as good of an idea as that is,

and actually, it's not that bad,

I'm talking about thought-recognition.

Thought-control computing.

Imagine you want to send a text,

but, uh, you don't want to take your phone out.

Or imagine you want to change the channel on the TV,

but you don't have a remote.

Imagine you're in a strange city,

and you can't find a clean bathroom.

Imagine you're in Italy,

and you have to "arriva-doody."

You know what?

Here is a hundred dollars.

I just bought your idea.

Now, stop talking about it.

Deal. Looks like I am getting that filling after all.

Morning.Good morning.

Oh, hey, morning.

What are you guys up to today?

I don't know. Maybe we'll go to a bar

and let guys buy us drinks

if we're willing to make out with each other.

Wait.

Is-is that a thing?

You and I should run that scam with girls.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's go for a hike in the canyon.

I'd rather stay home and yodel in your canyon.

Come on, let's get some fresh air, hang out.

Just the two of us.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, why not? Sounds great.

Do you guys want to join us?

Sure.

You can never have too much wood in the forest.

I can't. I'm busy.

Always busy.

I can't remember the last time this one took me anywhere.

Hey, uh, Jenny,

here's a hundred dollars.

Lose him in the forest.

Yes?

Yeah, I'm looking for Nicole.

Are you my new dad?

Excuse me?

It's a joke. Try to keep up.

Who are you?

I'm Walden Schmidt.

Holy Schmidt!

Oh, my God.

Mr. Schmidt, it is such an honor to meet you.

I have a poster of you.

A poster?

Yeah, yeah, check it out.

I made it in college.

Wow. It's, uh...

Wow.

I cut and pasted Laura Dern's hair onto your face.

It's pretty breathtaking, right?

I'm sorry... uh, who are you?

Oh, uh, I-I'm Barry. Barry Foster.

But you can call me "BF," as in your biggest fan.

Walden!

Nicole, hi.

I read your proposal.

I'm interested.

Really?

This is amazing.

This is amazing.

Oh, my fan fiction's come true.

Barry,

we talked about this.

Right, right. Boundaries.

All right, here's-here's what I'm prepared to do.

In return for 51% of your company,

and him never hugging me again,

I will back your project.

I don't think I can do that.

Neither do I.

Barry!

Okay.

Look, I can't give up control.

This company is my baby.

But I will sell you a minority share

if you agree to work as my product engineer.

Oh, product engineer?

I mean, do I look like Barry?