New Girl

Hey. Hey, what can I get you?

Can I get a beer and, uh, your number?

Actually, I'm... This woman is engaged.

Her number belongs to God now.

Thank you.

My bad, I didn't see a ring.

I'm wo... I'm working on it.

That's something I'm working on.

Can't just put any ring

on the hand of the most perfect woman in the world.

Now shoo.

Back to the mechanical shop or wherever it is you work.

Enjoy. Thank you.

Okay, so you're doing it again.

I'm doing what?

Ever since we got engaged,

you've been acting insanely jealous.

Look, all bartenders

get hit on.

It's just part of the job.

Even Nick has groupies.

Are you free tonight? I am, yeah.

Me, too! (laughs): Oh, hey, well, I really hope you find something to do.

Nick is playing hard to get.

What was wrong with her?

I just wasn't feeling it.

What's "it"?

It's obvious.

It's, you know, it's...

: magic. What? Hmm?

Little bit of the magic thing, little bit of the...

"Man stick"? I'm not saying "man stick."

It's what I heard.

I'm saying "magic." Oh.

I don't know, I just... I want magic.

Is that so bad?

I want the music to swell.

I want the wind to blow.

I-I want the clouds to part.

Yeah. Love! Magic!

Something exciting!

Why are you yelling?

Because I am embarrassed!

Don't be embarrassed, man. I want magic, too.

I want her to have a metal bra,

and then I got a sword in my hand, and guess what,

we both wearing skirts.

And we're riding on flying horses.

That's more like dork magic.

Okay, I don't want to upset you guys,

but if you keep looking for magic,

you're gonna be alone forever.

Did you just say you don't mean to upset us

and then tell us we're gonna end up alone?

I actually don't care if I upset you.

Yeah, 'cause that's really upsetting.

You know, I got to... I got to say,

I'm with Aly on this one; she's making sense.

Which is why she always plays "smart cop"

when we play "Smart Cop/Dumb Cop."

Not a game we play.

I'm super worried you think we do, terrified.

I feel like we're playing it right now.

Great "dumb cop," great "smart cop."

You two need to get realistic.

You're not getting any younger, Nick. Wrong.

I'm in the prime of my life.

Watch me do my thing.

Show her, dude. Get it!

Show her what you got, Nick.

See it? See it?

Do you see it?

Is it up?

Can you see it?

Winston, call an ambulance.

I smushed every bone in my back.

Looks like you got "old man back."

Welcome to the club. Looks like a cool club.

Ugh, you hear that?

Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you.

Aly was right.

We are getting older.

Ugh, don't remind me.

I don't want to be alone forever.

Maybe it's time I start looking

at my love life more realistically.

Hmm. I feel like one of those characters

in the show Sax and the City talking about this.

Oh, no, you mean, um, uh, Sex and the City.

I'm talking about the one with the four ladies in a jazz band.

That's not a show. Carrie, Miranda,

No. the other one and the older one.

You're thinking of Sex and the City.

They would never allow that 'cause of the title.

Anyway, man, I'm with you, you know?

I think we should be more realistic

about who we're dating.

We got to keep each other from dreaming.

So if you see me dreaming... Pinch you.

Well, don't pinch me, but just let me know. Okay.

Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal.

I got your back, you got my back. Yeah.

It's time. It's time.

Why did y...?

Reagan Lucas to see Dr. Richards.

I'm so sorry, Dr. Richards is...

He's right behind that water cooler.

Why don't I see any orders

for Recombinex from you this month, Don?

Well, um... What is this?

Spectavir, Donny? Are you kidding me?

Maybe we can talk when you've...

When I've had a chance to consult my physician

about the possible side effects of Spectavir?

Side effects which include dry mouth and diarrhea,

wet mouth and constipation, butt sneezing, hysterical deafness,

unwelcomed night-running, dusty semen...

You know what, why don't I put in an order for Recombinex.

Ooh, great, but only if you want to.

Anything else I can do for you?

Not unless you can get me

a hotel room downtown for the next month.

My company is putting me at the Redbrick Lodge and Seafood Hut.

Ugh. My key is a fish.

We have a room! We have a room available.

I overheard you, sorry. We have a room.

Uh, my name is Nick, uh, Nicholas for long.

Uh, my friend and I have

a lovely room for rent in our loft downtown.

You see, our old roommate

is on jury duty.

Her name is Jess, Jessica.

We had a little "will they/won't they."

Then we did, and then we fought a little bit too much.

We still have a really nice thing. Excuse me, ma'am.

I am truly sorry for my friend here,

but I am sure it is not realistic

that you would want to rent a place from total strangers.

Normally, no, but I have a lobster tank in my bedroom.

We have no lobsters. What is the rent like?

What do you want it to be? I don't care.

What? Cheap.

Amenities? Yeah, we got those.

You got a rain shower? I love a rain shower.

Rain shower? Crazy enough, we were installing one today.

Well, you are weirdly checking all of my boxes,

so... I'll come take a look.

Great, good. The, uh, the address is...

right here on the form under my name.

Great, I'll see you tonight.

Good luck with your...

"smush pain that feels

like everything came out of the sandwich."

Doesn't even hurt that much, actually.

Nick, this is crazy.

Come on, man.

We agreed to not let each other

do exactly this anymore.

Do I have to get tough with you?

Just admit it, you're jealous.

Uh, I'm not. I simply want a demographic breakdown

of all the guys who hit on you.

You know, jacked dudes, swole dudes, yoked dudes.

What in Megyn Kelly's America are you doing, Nick?

I'm installing a high-end shower.

Nick's got a crush on a girl

who is way out of his league.

Oh... Ooh...

Do you want a boom box? You gonna invite her to winter formal?

When you're my age, you don't form crushes anymore.

I'm past that.

I don't remember anything about her.

I mean, what, does she have brown hair, brown eyes, a nose?

She had moxie, she ran the room, she commanded it.

She's here, she's here!

All right, guys, make your hair look good.

Everybody, make your hair look good, okay?

Don't embarrass me.

South-facing windows, a balcony, stainless steel appliances,

and I'm guessing someone with extreme OCD

that lives here to keep this place clean.

Hello, I'm Schmidt.

You were a large child.

That's incredible. Yes, I-I was obese.

You look familiar.

MTV Beach House, 2003.

Oh, my God, Reagan?!

Cece, hi.

How are you? Oh, my God!

I'm so happy to see you.

You, too. You look incredible!

Barely recognized you.

Well, you've never seen me dry. (laughs)

Cece, y-you went to the MTV Beach House?

Did you get to announce a video and then scream?

Actually, we both did. Yeah.

And then we hooked up.

Yeah, that's true, too.

Is he okay?

It sounds like there's a dishwasher in his face.