Broad City

If there were a hypothetical compost vessel

for... hypothetically... our doodie,

would you hypothetically be into that?

Sure! I been crashing on friends' couches for a month,

so I can literally move in to-morr-ow, all right?

Let me ask you this.

When I take a shower, will you keep me company?

Not... Not in the shower,

just, like, sit on the toilet and talk to me?

Okay.

Okay, I just have one final question.

What is your stance on the Olsen twins?

Oh, my God, girl, the Olsen twins.

It drives me nuts, you understand?

- Part of it is like I feel sorry for them. - Yes.

But they also billionaires, so I hate them.

- Yes! Right. - But, I mean, did they ask for this?

- No, they did not. Okay? - Unh-unh.

Why would you have Uncle Jesse

picking them up, kissing them to get women?

What woman sees that as a turn-on?

What kind of move is this?

Child, that whole set is about to be Bill Cosby.

- You hear me? - Bizarre.

Okay? MeToo moments every damn where.

- That's it. I mean, give it to me. - For real.

- Lay it down. - Hello?

I mean, we vibing, right?

- Child. - Ye-e-es!

- Beezy! - All ri-i-ight!

Ha ha ha!

Ah, yes!

Now, just tell me, what room do I take, okay?

Well, you have officially secured yourself a backup offer.

Backup?

It's just that I have one more

brown-eyed, goy-nosed, fat-assed,

beautiful candidate left to explore.

Well, girl, you've literally just described me.

Well, it looks like I have a type.

I will get back to you in 24 hours.

Can you make it 23? 'Cause I really love this place.

That's never happened before.

I'm scared.

I don't know how to say it

or when or where or how exactly.

Ugh. You haven't told Ilana you're moving to Colorado yet?!

I do not envy you.

When we told her we were getting rid of her car,

- we took her to see Savion Glover... - King of tap.

and we even snuck in a backpack of sour cherry straws...

Those are her favorite... and she still

wanted to declare legal emancipation.

And you better tell that bitch soon

because I'm only good up to a certain point

when it comes to keeping a secret.

Like, 12 hours ago,

Eliot tells me he's having an affair...

Can you believe this?...

with a married man, married to a woman!

He's a homewrecker, Abbi!

Fuck. See? 12 hours.

Ugh. I can't help myself.

Okay, okay, I-I'll do it today.

Butter her up... flowers, weed, something special.

Just tell me it's gonna be okay.

Bobbi?

Bob, you're froz...

Okay, I can see the ceiling fan still moving in the background.

Okay.

What?

Dude, what? Wait.

We both bought each other a dozen roses?

That is amazing. Can you believe...

- Okay, these are for you. - And those are for you.

Can you believe we are so psychically linked?

No, and... and, luckily, nothing...

you know, no space or time or distance or anything...

would ever change that or take that away. Not even death.

- That's hot. - Yeah.

So, today, we are going to do something

that you have wanted to do forever, baby.

What?

"Sleep No More"!

Are you serious?

God, I love living in New York City. You just... You can't beat it.

You get to be physically near the cutting edge of art and culture

and then, just a mere decade later, actually afford to experience it.

But wait.

Aren't you gonna be too scared to go?

I mean, I'm excited. I am also scared,

but it is gonna be scary, right?

It's not intended to be scary.

It's kind of like interactive, modern version of "Macbeth."

Ooh! Shakespeare.

I love Shakespeare, all his stuff.

God, Shakespeare was fucking cool,

'cause he was bisexual as hell, dawg.

Also, you see visible vulva and penis in this show.

This is gonna be so good,

because I want to go into this new experience

because, like, I want to be uncomfortable to grow.

Beesh, I hear deesh,

'cause I believe in us growing together,

no matter what form that may take.

Me too, dude.

Together forever!

Petticoats, please.

If you could keep these vertical, that would be great.

And, hey, is there a particular

penis-and-vulva viewing room?

I-I was told there would be visible vulva.

Uh, you know, this is more of a...

this is honestly more of like a follow-the-action,

choose-your-own-adventure type show.

Just follow the rooms.

I bet it's multiple rooms.

Yeah.

It is scary, see?

20 people on one elevator, yes.

Actually terrifying.

Okay.

Things aren't always as they seem here.

Trust no one.

I trust you.

I was right there.

- Me? - No, not you.

God!

Jesus. You... I trust you.

- Me? - Oh, my God!

No! What?!

Are you bothering this girl?

Ilana?

Okay. God, let's go. Come on.

Oh, cute.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I can't look.

What do you think's gonna happen to her?

Ab, if this is too scary for you, we can go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's just kind of scary not knowing,

like, what's gonna happen next.

We gotta do new stuff and expand.

It's the best part of life!

Even if we are scared and terrified, we gotta do it...

like, new parts of the world, new ideas,

new... new parts of the... the country.

- Ooh, like Queens. - Yeah, yeah.

Or, like, further wherever, you know?

Like, I'm in, dude.

Girl, I love inner. Go in. Go deep.

And, you know, when your best friend is by your side,

there's nothing to fear.

Oh, man.

Ew, do you smell that?

Yeah, someone must have crop-dusted us all, huh?

Brilliant theatrical choice!

It was me.

Wait.

Oh, my God. Shitfuck.

Nurses are never good.

Although I do love the long-lost art of letter-writing.

I'm just like, "Where are the chills and/or thrills?"

You know, I want to be either really scared

- or really horny. - Are you kidding me?

This is the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Oh, my God!

I don't want to go on!

Yeah, it's working.

It's working.

Gorgeous cursive.

Yes! Candy! Okay, jackpot.

Oh, my God.

Except...

I know what's going on. This is like...

What if this is like a little sweet spot

so they... you let your guard down

'cause you're, like, surrounded by candy,

and then this is where they really hit you

with, like, the terrifying, like, terrible stuff.

Chill out. Nothing terrible's gonna happen.

- I mean, you don't know that, but... - In fact...

I know how to make - a sweet memory even sweeter.

Okay.

Abbi, you are the best thing

that's ever come into my life,

and I know I'm taking a big swing here,

but I'm just gonna go for it.

So, as I look for a roommate to replace Jaimé,

I'm thinking, like,

"Abbi and I spend a lot of time together.

"We get along."

Why not spend more time together?

I'm talking covering each other's rent once in a while.

I'm talking knowing what each other's orgasms sound like

instead of merely fantasizing about it.

Abbi Gary Anna Abrams...

will you be my roommate?

Uh, I...

You know what?