Dead Pixels

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK, Meg?

Well, the game is now shit, I've been promoted twice and I hate

my job, and I've just been dumped by the world's most fascinating man.

Did you know he was an accredited cobbler? Yes. Yeah, I did know that.

You know Back To The Future, right? Or Hot Tub Time Machine,

Timecop, Source Code, Looper, Interstellar, 12 Monkeys,

Time Bandits, Timecrimes, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,

The Time Machine, and various other sequels?

I know some of those films, Meg.

Do you ever wish you could just go back? Well, me and Jay are pretty...

..but no. Totally. SHE SIGHS

Oh, Meg. Hiya, Mum. Are you all right? Yeah.

Good. Can I just pop up to my room quickly?

VIDEO MUSIC JINGLES

Behold, retro Kingdom Scrolls, the glory days.

Look at these low-res polys. How did we live like this, Meg?

We were just kids, Usman. We didn't know any better.

This was a different time -

Avril Lavigne and flip phones, before Facebook came along

and gave mums a platform to sell kitchen items.

And why are we playing this, again?

Cos, I don't mean to sound harsh, but it looks fucking shit.

It's just less accessible, you know?

Cos modern Kingdom Scrolls is just so fucking accessible.

See, I think that's why I liked it, cos it's accessible.

That's because you basically have a disability, Russell.

You're gaming disabled. Or game unable, if you prefer.

My God, it's so basic and repetitive. Nicky would love this.

Where is he anyway? Oh, um, I think he's getting ready to

meet his girlfriend for the first time or whatever. Usman!

Guys, I need to bounce, Zara's making me a big lunch.

Usman, I think it's time.

Oh, boy.

Argh! Ow!

Sorry, Martin just gave me a dead arm. Martin?

Yeah, there's a man living with me now. It's me, Annette, and Martin.

He just goes wherever he wants. He's like a house cat but a man.

A house man.

OK, no, Russell, this is a nightmare.

Just get out of there and go home.

Holy shit. That's Bramble Thatch Farm.

That's our old place, mine and Nicky's, from my old save.

We had cattle, pigs, a herd of slaves.

We lived here, just me and Nicky and...

THUDDING IN GAME

Mama, papa. Mama, papa.

Mama, papa. Mama, papa.

Oh, my God. Tobias?

Oh, um... For Daisy.

What's on the menu? What is this giant meat here?

Veal flanks. OK.

I don't think the flanks are going to fit in the slow cooker, Nicky.

That's why I've got the hand axe.

Sure, I just think any meal that involves an axe,

maybe not on a first date.

Totally. God, it is so good you're here. You know so much.

Yeah, and what are you serving with the veal flanks.

Yams! Interesting, because it doesn't sound much like a dinner,

does it, Nicky, Flanks and yams?

It sort of does. Flanks and yams. Yams and flanks. Like surf and turf.

Quite heavy as a meal. No, but that is good, you see.

If I was a girl and a man cooked me a meal, I would want him

to make me something really massive and filling. You know?

Like, "I fancy you so much, I want your stomach to be really full."

Depends, really, on whether you're thinking of having sex later

because it will sit quite heavy, the mashed yam,

as a kind of cushion for the sheer metric weight of the flanks.

Because I also got quite a big Christmas pudding for dessert.

Yeah, you're not going to want Christmas pudding, Nicky,

not after the big yam-flank double-header.

Plus, because ours is getting quite disgusting -

bit of an impulse buy really...

HE GROANS

I bought a new toilet.

Because I thought about cleaning ours but then I thought maybe it's

just better to start from scratch, you know, like a hard reboot?

But then I watched a YouTube video on it

and realised toilets aren't like light bulbs, in that they're

actually really quite difficult to change.

Now I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have brought it.

Just try and keep it tidy because Jay's coming over to stay

and he's not really into this flatmate shit.

He's encouraging me to be more grown-up.

How could you be more grown-up, Alison?

Get an artificial hip, start leaving voicemails? Oh, look at this!

The big preparations. Meat, yams, a new toilet.

All angles covered.

I just hope you know what you're doing, Nicky. Look, I get it.

It's a big deal.

When you meet someone IRL you open yourself up, right?

Will it happen? Who knows? If it happens, it happens.

It might happen. It might not happen.

Let's just see if it happens.

I am of course talking about murder. Murder? Oh, she could be a murderer.

Big time, yeah. I will just make sure I've got a weapon. OK.

No, Nicky. Not like a crossbow, Alison. Jesus.

You know, room weapon. Lampshade, heavy wooden fruit

bowl, so I can, you know, brain her if she goes psychotic. Oh.

By the way, in case you cared, he's still alive.

Tobias, Nicky. Our boy.

Tobias is alive? I found him on my server. Little Toby. OK, I'm sorry.

I can feel my throat trying to claw these words back

as escape from my mouth. But who the fuck is Tobias?

Here's an NPC child in Kingdom Scrolls,

controlled by the computer.

Um, we were supposed to escort him across a desert

and reunite him with his parents,

then we figured out that if we lured Tobias home with us,

then we could brick him in and keep him indefinitely.

And then the new version came out, we migrated eight years ago.

You bricked a child in a room for eight years? Not just any child.

We used to role-play that he was ours. Hang on, you two had a son?

An adopted son, yes. And I think it

is finally time to reunite him with his birth parents. OK, mate.

I don't have time for this because I need to get the dinner on

because apparently you're only a real person now

if you cook something for fucking ages.

Bake a potato for nine years, watch a Poldark...

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello? Hi, is this Nicky's place?

My phone ran out of battery on the Megabus

and I'm quite dramatically early.

What kind of sociopath arrives three hours early?

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Nicky. Nicky, look at me. You need to let her in.

Christ.

Daisy?

I bought an ice cream at the kebab shop. Worst decision I ever made.

Would you like to come in or have you immediately changed your mind?

I haven't changed my mind yet based on the available data set

but, you know, that is admittedly quite small. Great.

Unless you don't want me to come in. I don't have to. No, God. No, no.

I really want you to come in.

Yeah, not aggressively. I'm not being pushy. You don't have to.

There are women here. Look at the women.

Hello. These aren't captives. They are just normal free-range women.

Look very happy, the woman, even if they are enslaved.

Yeah, they do, don't they? Boop, boop.

HE CHUCKLES

Is that yes? Yeah, come on in.

This is Daisy. That's Daisy. She's here. She has come. Welcome to...

Daisy's here! Hi, I'm Meg.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch your name. Daisy. Yeah. Yeah.

I love your hair and you've got such an amazing array of teeth.

Oh!

Gosh, thanks. Thank you. Alison. Alison, yeah, incredible posture.

And skin.

And your hands are perhaps the loveliest hands

I've seen in a while. Gosh, thanks.

So...

DAISY CLEARS THROAT

So, um, I've set a heritage server up, retro Kingdom Scrolls.

She doesn't need to know about that, Meg. No, no, no.

I love old Kingdom Scrolls!

Yeah, I was, like, raised on it! Same!

Um, we were going back to a mission on an old save.

We're reuniting Tobias with his parents. Tobias,

oh, my gosh, the little NPC kid.

Yeah, with the dirty knees and the no face. Yeah.

Oh, I fucking love that kid!

Us to. We abducted him. You can abduct Tobias?!

It's just a stupid joke. I don't really... I'm not involved.

No, it's awesome. That's so cool! Yeah, impressive.

Such a long abduction. Yeah. Yeah,

we were thinking about finally finishing the mission, you know,

finally sending him home. Yeah, count me in. I'm up for it, totally!

What, do you mean like the three of us

together? Yeah, of course, I mean, you know, it'll be fun.

Like a three way.

Ha! Ha! HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

No, that's cool. Yeah, I'm cool with that. Sounds...

Cool. Cool. Shall we retire to the boud...? Yeah.

Do you actually mind if I probably bin this? Yes!

Yeah, the bin is just there. It's like I'm holding a... Ah!

"Hello! What are your thoughts, Mr Prime Minister?"

I don't... I'm not... I'll get rid of that. Sorry. That's...

Yeah, cool. I'm just going to put this in the bin.

Oh, go... Oh. Yep. It's fine. Alison...

Alison is really good at clearing up. Ooh, sorry.

This way, my lady. Just through here. OK.

Three plates, three glasses. One flank, three ways with a hand axe.

A mass of wild yams, split three ways. And Christmas pud for afters!

This is so amazing. The three of us playing together, it just works.

She's amazing. I fucking love her. God, she's so amazing.

Sounds weird but I get it now, I do. She deserves a new toilet.

She totally deserves a new toilet.

She shouldn't have to expose her buttocks to that limescaled

atrocity in there.

My, the meal is so dense it might actually crack a plate.

We're cooking dinner for Daisy. Division of labour.

She's looking after Tobias while we cook and then later, at the end of

the day, we will just sleep together in a pile in front of the fire.

I'm sorry if you find that confronting, Alison.

I literally didn't say anything.

Is not like we're some weirdo three-way sex cult with me

as the de facto leader.

Having said that, we are always on the lookout for more womenfolk.

Extra pair of hands would make short work of the raisin harvest.

Once we've return Tobias we are