George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey,

hey,

hey.

You know,

you know,

you know, something people don't

talk about in public any more,

pussy farts.

Anyway, once again, for me it is HBO time.

We're back at the Beacon Theater

by the way for the third time in a row.

And I'd do as some of you know

this is the 12th show.

I've been doing them since 1977.

It usually takes me about two,

two and a half years,

and that means for the last couple of years

I've been out floating around,

bouncing around the cities and the towns

in this country,

and the theaters and concert halls,

working on my stuff.

Probably been in your hometown

a couple of times since the last time I saw you.

Hey, you know me,

if they got a zip code,

I'll fucking be there.

Busy as a dyke in a hardware store.

Did you ever notice up on a barn

they got a weather vane up on a barn?

And by the way I don't do transitional material.

You probably picked that up right away.

I just kind of go right into the next thing,

and at this moment, we're on barns.

But you ever notice up there

they got that weather vane,

and usually it's a rooster or a cock,

it's the same animal, really, you know.

It's just a different name.

You know why they got a cock on the weather vane?

Because if they had a cunt,

the wind would blow right through it.

Well, a lot of people don't know that.

That's why I travel around so much.

I'm here to entertain and inform.

Reminds me of something

my grandfather used to say to me.

You know, he'd look at me and he'd say,

I'm going upstairs and fuck your grandma.

He's just a really honest man, you know.

He wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.

Now, folks,

before we get too far along here tonight,

there's something we got to talk about.

Everybody knows what it is.

It's in the air,

it's in the city,

and naturally I'm talking about

the events of September 11

and everything that's happened since that time.

And the reason we have to talk about it is otherwise,

it's like the elephant in the living room

that nobody mentions.

I mean, yeah, there it is,

sitting on the fucking couch

and nobody says a word.

It's like, if you're at a formal garden party

and you go over to the punchbowl

and you notice floating around there's a big turd

and nobody says a word about it, you know.

Nobody says, lovely party, Jeffrey,

but there's a turd in the punchbowl.

So we got to talk about it,

if nothing else

just to get it out of our way

so we can have a little fun here tonight,

because otherwise the terrorists win.

Don't you love that stuff?

Yeah, that's our latest mindless cliché,

go out and buy some jewelry and a new car,

otherwise the terrorists win.

Those business assholes

really know how to take advantage, don't they?

So here's what I'm thinking folks,

by now, everybody's supposed to know

that when it comes to survival,

staying alive, that you know,

you have to be, you can't be too picky and choosy

about the company you're going to keep.

Sometimes you have to cooperate

with some kind of unsavory people,

people you don't like,

people you don't trust,

people you don't respect,

the kind of people

you might not even invite into your own home.

So for that reason, tonight I'm announcing

my intention to cooperate

with the United States government.

I'm even thinking of lending my support

to Governor Bush.

Good old Governor Bush,

I'm hoping he does a good job.

If he does, may we might think of

electing him President in 2004, okay?

Now, the reason for my decision

is a fairly simple one,

I mentioned it already, survival, okay.

And in order to learn that, Mother Nature, yeah.

Always took my cue from nature.

I realized some time ago

that I'm not separate from nature

just because I have a primate brain,

an upper brain.

Because underneath the primate brain

there's a mammalian brain,

and beneath the mammalian brain

there's a reptilian brain.

And it's those two lower brains

that made the upper brain possible in the first place.

Here's the way it works.

The primate brain says, give peace a chance.

The mammalian brain says, give peace a chance,

but first let's kill this motherfucker.

And the reptilian brains says,

let's just kill the motherfucker,

go to the peace rally and get laid.

Because the first obligation,

the first obligation of any organism

is to survive.

The second is to reproduce.

Survival is more important than fucking.

Pacifism is a nice idea,

but it can get you killed.

We're not there yet folks,

evolution is slow,

smallpox is fast.

Now, the government has asked all of us

to come up with suggestions

and ideas that we might have

to help them to fight terrorism.

That will give you an idea of how much shit

they have on the shelf.

And like any good citizen,

I'm ready with my suggestions.

Now, first of all,

overseas in Afghanistan,

I think you have to use

the most powerful weapon you have,

in this case,

chemical warfare of a type never used before.

And I'm talking about

the flatulent airborne reaction team,

F-A-R-T, fart.

Here's what you do,

you take thousands of overweight male

NFL football fans,

thousands of them.

We're going to start with a nucleus

of Giants fans and Jets fans,

got to start with that nucleus.

Now, it might be necessary

to include some Bills fans and Eagles fans, too.

This is war,

you can't be choosy.

And I'm also thinking about getting

some of those big fat cocksuckers

who root for the teams in the NFC Central,

Chicago Bears fans,

Green Bay Packer fans,

guys who eat a lot of bratwurst.

And all these guys have to be over 200 pounds.

What you do is for 30 days

you put them on a diet

of nothing but cheese, cabbage and beer.

That's all they get for 30 days.

For many of these men,

this will not be a new diet.

You fill them up with cheese and cabbage and beer

and you drop them into Afghanistan

where they commence chemical warfare

of the highest order.

You send three-man fart squads

into every cave and tunnel in Afghanistan,

just send them in there.

And then ya,

smoke them out.

These good citizens

will release horrendous, deadly farts,

the kind of fart that could kill cancer,

the kind of fart that comes in handy if

you have something that needs welding.

The kind of fart that if you let one go at home,

30 minutes later your plants are all yellow.

The kind of fart that after two or three days

you begin to realize