The Cleveland Show

¶ my name is cleveland brown ¶

¶ and I am proud to be ¶

¶ right back in my hometown ¶

¶ with my new family ¶

¶ there's old friends and new friends ¶

¶ and even a bear ¶

¶ through good times and bad times ¶

¶ it's true love we share ¶

¶ and so I found a place ¶

¶ where everyone will know ¶

¶ my happy mustached face ¶

¶ this is the cleveland show. ¶

Freeze, injun.

I will now steal your land and name my sports teams after you.

Joke's on you, white man.

My descendents will corner the market on blue jean jackets

And blow cigarette smoke in the faces of your descendents.

Oh, goody! That must be my mommy!

Hi, mom!

Welcome to our new home!

Cleveland!

Oh, lord, you're wasting away!

Are you feeding him?

Not enough. Look at me.

Hello, cookie.

Well, you've been eating!

We missed you at the wedding.

Oh, you mean the wedding

With my son who wasn't good enough for you 25 years ago,

But now you'll take him

Since you've been left with two misbehaving kids?

Yes. That wedding.

And for your information, my kids do behave themselves.

Aw, hell!

We lit this bag of dog crap on fire right on the bears' porch.

Then the bear comes out and stomps on it!

And he's like, "oh, I got dog crap on my damn foot!"

Freakin' bear.

Who the hell is this?

This is my mother.

I meant no disrespect.

Let me get you a jet magazine and some sweet tea.

Oh, thank you, young man.

But first, I have someone else I'd like you to meet.

Dad?!

Ow! My neck! My neck and my back!

Hey, chunky.

Sir.

Donna, you remember my father,

Who left my mother for a waffle house waitress.

Twice.

So, you two are back together?

Looks that way.

Why you got to ask so many questions?

¶ ¶

Aw, girl, thanksgiving is whack.

Every moment I have to be away from you,

My heart is like, "damn!"

You know what?

Hell with our families.

We should have our own thanksgiving.

A romantic thanksgiving.

Just the two of us.

For real, yo?

That's tight.

We's romeo and julietin' this turkey day.

I loves you, ro-ham.

I loves you more than unicorns love pixie dust.

You got any fruit stripe gum?

ow!

Watch where you walking, pudgy!

Um, can I help you find something?

Nope. I'm just looking for a glass without a spot on it.

Donna: How embarrassing!

I knew I should have paid a few cents more for cascade.

Check out baby cleveland in the bathtub.

Look at his little, bitty, tiny cashew.

I can't see it.

Let me get my reading binoculars.

I like this kid.

You know, I've been thinking.

Maybe I should shoot out another kid.

Try to get this one right.

I've had similar thoughts.

And you know, I have not gone through the change.

You gone through the change on the outside.

You know, I think it's wonderful

That the whole family will be here

For thanksgiving supper tomorrow.

Mom, did you not get my text?

I'm spending thanksgiving with federline.

You most certainly are not.

Do you have any idea

How much work I am putting into this dinner?

Judging from those store-bought pies in the kitchen,

I'd say not enough.

Are you gonna let your crazy mother talk to me like that?!

that's my mama.

Are you gonna let your big-ass wife talk to me like that?!

that's my wife.

While you guys work that out,

I'm-a get going.

Roberta, your mother just wants you--

You are not my father.

New family's really warming up to ya, tubby.

That's it!

You wanna dance, little lady?

Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Bye, mom!

You are not going anywhere!

Let go of my coat! Rallo: Fight! Fight fight!

Your coat?! I paid for this coat!

Rallo (whistles): Hey! Cleveland's dad!

Cleveland jr: Dad!

Roberta: Let go of my coat! Donna: I paid for this coat!

Dad! Fight, fight, fight...

Let go of my coat.

Well, what in tarnation is going on up in here?

All: Auntie momma!

Damn skippy!

Ooh-wee. Up jump the devil!

Don't squeeze too tight,

Or else somebody's gonna have to call the fart police.

Those fillin' station nachos

Are not agreeing with your auntie momma!

I'm outrageous!

Now stop all this scrappin',

Dippin' and dappin', don't know what's happenin'.

Now, who's this little one?

Donna, don't tell me you went

And got yourself knocked up by anthony anderson!

You nasty girl!

Hi, strange lady.

My name is cleveland brown, jr.

And I'm lavar brown.

But you can call me "freight train."

Ooh! Well, choo-choo to you!

Hire me a couple chinese,

'cause we building a train track right here!

Auntie momma! You should have told me you were coming!

Girl, you know auntie momma can't be tied down!

Unless this one's doing the tying!

Ooh, ooh!

I'm outrageous!

Hey, auntie momma!

Cleveland brown,

As I live and breathe!

Look at you, all grown up and unconventionally sexy.

Mustache all puttin' wilt chamberlain's to shame.

Honey, I should know.

I was number 8,433 and 11,760.

Ooh, I'm outrageous!

Auntie momma, we need to talk.

Mmm-hmm. You know we will, girlfriend.

I want to hear all about the young mens up in your life!

But right now, auntie momma's off to the powder room

To see what all these farts are about.

Maybe this thanksgiving won't be so bad, after all.

I'm gonna clean up this broken glass.

Sorry I tossed him the knife, but I wanted him to kill you.

I can see auntie momma's penis.

Auntie momma's penis?!

Let's play a game.

Everybody say something weird about themselves.

I'll start.

I don't have nails on my small toes.

Your turn, auntie momma!

I don't understand why a no-good team like the lions

Always gets to play on thanksgiving.

But I'd still let 'em pile up on me in the locker room!

I love a good sack!

Auntie momma!

I'm outrageous.

(loretta, lavar, and auntie momma laughing)

See that, cookie? A lady who loves football.

That's a real woman.

No offense.

That's an ugly apron.

Whoops. Sometimes they jump on ya.

What's wrong with you, sourpuss?

You look lower than clint eastwood's testicles.

We had a pretty good run.

Had angie dickinson, didn't we, boys?

She won't let me spend thanksgiving with federline!

Girl wants to be with her boyfriend.

Pumpkin, why you trying to keep those two love birds apart?