Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city

‫used to love you, what a pity

‫I miss the questions you used to ask me

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫- Oh, hey Ray, come on up ‫- Oh, ow

‫Sorry, sorry

‫- Are you all right? ‫- Not really

‫I've got a weird situation going on here ‫I've been calling you all morning

‫Sorry, my phone's been off

‫What's the matter? ‫Did you get in a fight with Leah?

‫No, Lisa and Michelle, the lesbians ‫I've been donating my sperm to

‫they've disappeared, I'm worried about them

‫Why do you think they disappeared?

‫I don't know, my emails are bouncing ‫back, their phones are out of service

‫It's been going on for five days ‫what if they got into a car accident?

‫- What if they're in a coma? ‫- I don't think they would both be in a coma

‫They do everything together

‫- Have you called the local hospitals? ‫- I don't know their last names

‫But you've been giving them all ‫of your sperm for the past two months

‫Yeah, but I'm bad with names

‫Well, they're probably out of town on a trip

‫No, they would've told me ‫we've become very close

‫Look, for years, I've been jerking ‫off purely for medicinal reasons

‫like lancing a wound

‫But trying to have a baby ‫with them has given it new meaning

‫- I understand ‫- What if something happened to them?

‫What if Michelle wasn't conceiving ‫and they just dumped me?

‫I don't know

‫- Where is the last place you saw them? ‫- Ozzie's Café

‫- It's where we did the sperm transfer ‫- Let's go there

‫- Why? ‫- Detective novels

‫you always start where the missing ‫person last was and work your way back

‫Okay, are you sure you ‫can take a writing break?

‫Yeah, I'm a really good ‫stopping point, let's go

‫You do all the talking, she doesn't like me

‫- Hi ‫- Hi

‫- Can I ask you a few questions? ‫- Who are you?

‫My name is Jonathan Ames ‫I'm a private detective

‫- You don't look like a cop ‫- I'm a private cop

‫Are you a security guard? ‫Why aren't you wearing your outfit?

‫Private detectives don't wear outfits, okay?

‫- Look, you recognize this man? ‫- Yeah, I know him

‫He comes in with a cooler every couple ‫days and doesn't order anything

‫I'm an illustrator ‫I'm a little low on money right now

‫- You ever see him with two women? ‫- Yeah, they were nice, they spent money

‫They also had a cooler, it was weird

‫Why were you always carrying that thing?

‫I don't mean to be rude, but ‫I was transporting chilled semen

‫- Shut up ‫- You shut up

‫Look, the two women ‫you saw him with are missing

‫- Do you know where they live? ‫- I don't know where any of these people live

‫Let me ask you something ‫if you don't know where they live

‫- how do you know they're missing? ‫- That's an excellent point

‫It's not good

‫- Hey ‫- Yeah?

‫I've seen them at the food co-op

‫You have to be a member to shop there ‫so they'll... they'll have their address

‫Okay, thank you, that's very helpful

‫Sorry, that's all I got ‫I'm kind of a starving artist

‫You look like you eat all right to me

‫I know all the members of the co-op and I ‫can't place a couple named Michelle and Lisa

‫But... has more lesbians ‫than any other city in the US

‫It's kind of like San Francisco but for women

‫I love San Francisco ‫the light there is very beautiful

‫Shit, you must've seen them, Michelle ‫is large-chested, Lisa is very strange

‫She doesn't look at you in the eye ‫she has these tattoos on her neck

‫the circle thing with the cross going down

‫It stands for vaginas or women's ‫restrooms or something like that

‫- You know who he's talking about, don't you? ‫- Yeah, I know them, I've seen that tattoo

‫But their names aren't Michelle or Lisa

‫What are their names ‫and where do they live?

‫I'm not telling you, this is a food co-op ‫okay? People expect privacy

‫- We have ethics here ‫- Would $20 help you with your ethnics?

‫Who do you think you are?

‫The people who work here are like family ‫I'm not gonna betray their trust for money

‫Well, I might have something ‫else that interests you

‫I like a man who carries a one-hitter

‫I can tell that this is good stuff

‫because I'm kind of missing ‫everyone in my life right now

‫but I don't mind 'cause ‫it's like a beautiful sadness

‫That happens to me too, when I'm high

‫I miss everyone and I love everyone

‫When I get high I realize ‫that I clench my anus

‫- That's not healthy ‫- You clench it all the time?

‫Yeah, but smoking helps me un-clench it

‫See? That's why pot should be legalized

‫Okay, I think this is ‫what you guys are looking for

‫- I've got to get back to work ‫- Yeah

‫Thank you so much, I really appreciate ‫it, I was worried about them

‫- We're trying to have a baby together ‫- Yeah, thank you

‫And if you see them again ‫please give me a call

‫or call me if you want some more of this pot

‫The guy I deal with is very ‫organic and hydroponic, it's...

‫Thanks, yeah, we should ‫definitely smoke again some time

‫I just ordered this vaporizer... the Volcano

‫They use it on cancer patients in Germany

‫- Great ‫- It's really healthy

‫it's what Woody Harrelson uses

‫Why would they give me false names?

‫I had a crush on a Michelle, not a Margaret

‫That co-op girl was really cute ‫I think she kind of liked me

‫- I think she liked your pot ‫- She liked me and my pot

‫Okay, they're not answering, now what?

‫Hello?

‫Yes, building inspector ‫I need to be buzzed in

‫Go fuck yourself

‫- Hello? ‫- Uh, yeah, it's, uh, UPS

‫I have that thing you ordered

‫Nice

‫I can pick the lock

‫- Why didn't you use that out front? ‫- Well, it's a little conspicuous

‫and I'm so stoned I forgot that I had it

‫Voila

‫Yeah, they definitely ‫skipped town, all right?

‫Okay, uh, I'll check the kitchen for clues ‫you check the bathroom and bedroom

‫What are you gonna do? Find a turkey ‫baster with finger prints on it?

‫Man, I don't know, just what detectives do

‫We got to case the joint, follow protocol

‫The only thing I found in the refrigerator ‫was this unopened Cambucha

‫I can't believe they left it behind ‫this stuff's really expensive

‫Look what I found, lady's shaving cream

‫I could use some of this ‫stuff for my neck under my beard

‫Usually I use soap but it looks like shit

‫Glad I found this ‫I've go really bad dry mouth

‫What's this?

‫There are papers in here

‫Why do I always believe ‫the labels on this health food stuff?

‫I think the writers they use are ‫really good, they're very convincing

‫There's nothing with a forwarding address

‫I really just wanted to get Michelle ‫pregnant and make her happy

‫Why don't you just try with Leah?

‫Because she doesn't want any more kids ‫and if she did, she wouldn't want any with me

‫- Why not? ‫- Because I'm broke

‫She's given me an allowance, I can ‫hardly pay for all the DVDs I've been buying

‫Well, how much allowance is she giving you?

‫A lot more than the two girls ‫but they're four and six

‫Look at this, look at this, look at this

‫- Ooh, something with my name on it ‫- Let me see this

‫Beth Handler and Annie Sklaver ‫Tovia O'Neal and Shelby Hernandez

‫Dawn Miller and Samantha Brian, there ‫must be 30 couples and they're all female

‫500 bucks

‫- They've been selling my sperm ‫- Oh shit, you're right

‫Wait, let's get out of here ‫we'll study this stuff later

‫I have to have dinner with George in the city

‫Why are they selling my sperm? I just like...

‫What are you doing in this apartment? ‫Call the super, we have intruders

‫No, no, no, everything's okay ‫we're not doing anything, I'm Jewish

‫Call 911

‫Get out of my way

‫Oh God, I twisted my knee

‫- Jonathan ‫- Suzanne?

‫What are you doing? ‫Why are you running down the street?

‫Uh, well it's crazy, but it's not my fault

‫Ray got in trouble with some Hacids, then he ‫hurt his knee, and then they called 911 on us

‫No one's ever called 911 ‫on me, it's very scary

‫- What are you talking about? Are you stoned? ‫- No

‫Hey, who's this? Hi

‫I didn't know you had a dog

‫- What's his name? ‫- Philip, I got him to get over you

‫You replaced me with ‫a little white dog named Philip?

‫- Yeah ‫- But you could've held on to me

‫I'm not neutered, I don't beg for food ‫I don't have to be walked

‫- You're obviously stoned and I... ‫- Jonathan, we gotta go

‫Those Hacids got a good look at us, let's go

‫Okay, one second, one second, Ray

‫Bye Jonathan

‫Here

‫Suzanne, wait, wait, wait, wait

‫You forgot these

‫- Well, I fucked things up with her again ‫- Well, at least you're consistent

‫So you think that these ‫women are selling Ray's sperm

‫- on some kind of what, lesbian black market? ‫- Yes, he may have as many as 30 children

‫Well, you know something? ‫I envy you, I always wanted a big family

‫be a patriarch like Tolstoy

‫I sometimes do wonder if I have children ‫out there that I don't know about

‫There were a lot of one-night ‫stands in the '70s

‫and in the '80s

‫also the '60s, Jesus

‫- I've been fucking forever ‫- I was conceived in the late '70s

‫Excuse me, Mr... a note for you

‫Oh, crap

‫Antrum wants us to join him for a drink

‫- When did he ooze in here? ‫- I don't know but he's with Louis Green

‫That guy wrote a really ‫bad review of my novel

‫Little bastard

‫Well, come on, let's face ‫these assholes, shall we?

‫George, why are you an Antrum such enemies?

‫Well, I think it's because he's in love ‫with me, which is why he hates me

‫It's why he married my second wife Priscilla

‫so he could be close to me and yet crush me

‫- Thank you, you ready? ‫- Yeah

‫George, sit down, won't you? ‫Have a set, please

‫Sorry, we have dinner reservations ‫we're just taking off