Headless Horseman

Sergeant?

Do you think the Yankees will try to take this bridge?

All six of our men have gone missing tonight

and there's nothing but evil talk of this place.

The enemy is already here.

And we must hold this bridge until more men arrive.

We need to find our scout.

Look over there.

Where did it go?

I need you to go up there and take a look.

I'll cover you.

Yes, sir.

Easy, fella. Easy.

That's it, fella. Easy.

Here. Hm.

Easy, boy.

Easy, fella.

It's the devil!

The Yankees know we're here, boy.

Stand ready now.

Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

Don't fire, I tell you!

It's the devil!

You won't catch me over water!

Evil can't go over water!

Evil can't go over waterl

Oh, no!

HEADLESS HORSEMAN

Smile.

Thanks.

Aren't you gonna take another one?

Whatcha got?

Seth? How long is this gonna take?

I'm ready, oh so ready.

Okay, good.

Drink that up. Yes.

Liam.

Oh yeah!

Take a shot.

Take it.

I'll pass.

Come on, Liam. It'll make you a man.

From the looks of things, you need all the help you can get.

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

First-timer, huh? Yup, that's tequila for ya.

Don't worry about it.

So, why did we invite ass wipe?

He's a good friend. Out him some slack, okay?

Okay, number one, he's your Lit tutor, not a friend.

And two, do you see the way he stares at you?

It's obvious to everyone how desperately he wants you.

I, on the other hand, I know what I want.

And I'm not afraid to go after it.

Liam does not stare at me.

If he liked me, I'd know it.

Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he won't say what he wants.

He hasn't said a word since we left.

I was beginning to think he was deaf.

Okay, guys, take a look at this.

Unfortunately, we've already lost an hour

because someone with a bladder the size of a hazelnut

won't lay off the alcohol.

Hm, he said nut.

Now, there's another route

cutting through some little towns.

And it looks like it connects back to the interstate.

Saves us about two hours.

Two hours?

Remember last year? Tatum Massey? Donkey costume?

Not gonna happen again this year.

It's not gonna happen.

Good, then we're gonna get to that party on time.

Now Liam is dying to get there too.

A few more beers and I bet you get the nerve to ask her out.

Oh, thanks, Lizzie, for reinforcing

how pathetic everyone thinks I am.

You know that's not true.

I still love you.

Hello? Hey, Tatum!

Sean, I have to tell you something. I'm late.

Yeah, we're on the way.

Um, I don't know where we are,

but we'll be there in two hours.

I think I'm pregnant.

Well, that's... that's...

So does it look hot?

No, I want to keep it.

We could get married, and have a family.

Okay, yeah, cool. I'll see you in a bit. Bye.

You said you loved me.

I don't even remember. I was so wasted.

That turn's coming up. Let's make a decision.

Uh, this is deliverance country.

They deliver pizzas way out here?

I nbreeds. They're all over this area.

M utants from a small gene pool,

having sex with one another. Disgusting.

You should know, you're dating your mom.

I am not dating my mother.

We should stay the course.

Okay, fine, so much for wet T- shirt night in my room tonight.

Short cut!

Seth I come on, slow it down.

I spilled beer all over my shirt.

You know I ain't spilling beer, Seth.

Oh my God. We're gonna die.

Yeah, this is it.

This is the right way.

Yeah, let's keep going through the woods.

I'm not sure about this detour.

Seth, are you sure you're not gonna get us lost?

If we keep going, we'll get somewhere.

You always end up somewhere

and then we can ask for directions.

Oh, the inbreeds would just love it if we stopped and asked for directions.

I don't know if I'm up to getting ass-raped by Toothless Jimmy and the Applejack Kids.

Well, I am. Say cheese.

This bridge isn't safe, Seth. Let's go back.

I broke a nail!

I hope he knows what he's doing.

Where the hell are we?

Hey, can I see your PDA?

Just don't break it.

Well, get up there and do something about it.

Go and talk to her!

Hey.

Not here. Nothing.

Could they have overlooked it?

Maybe it's too small.

Or maybe it didn't wanna be found.

Who has the gas station map?

Lemme see that. I don't trust your sense of direction, Seth.

Do you remember that time in Montana?

I know you do.

The copyright on this map is 1972.

Good job, Seth.

Oh my God. We're gonna be late! Floor it!

You're such a little bitch. I gotta pee again.

"Good job, Seth. Floor it, Seth.

You don't know where you're going. "

I was just trying to get us there on time

but forget it, we'll just turn around...

I'm on top of you.

Yeah, you are.

Aw, man!

Oh!

Huh?

Hm.

Is everybody okay?

Oh! Oh my God! My jeans!

Oh, that's the least of your worries.

Oh my God! My face?

It's nothing, honey. It won't even leave a scar.

A scar?! I'm deformed!

That means plastic surgery.

You won't. Calm down.

Who leaves a bear trap in the middle of the road?

That would be a really bad hunter.

That's not funny.

Hm.

Y'all okay?

We're all okay.

My name is Candy.

You have candy?

I don't suppose you can help us?

Well, it's your lucky day.

My pa's shop is just around the bend.

We can fix that up for ya.

Lucky us.

Wormwood?

That sounds disgusting.

Like something my dog would chew on.

It's a great place here. I like it.

Oh, creepy.

No.

That's creepy.

You're just in time for the Headless Horseman celebration.

We commemorate it every All Hallow's Eve.

Ever since 1806, when the Horseman

first began stalking Wormwood for new heads.

The Washington Irving story?

With the skinny schoolteacher and the bridge?

That originated in New England.

That's the whitewashed version, written years afterward.

All their facts are completely wrong.

Your little writer might get all the credit

but the town suffered the real deal.

Right here.

See that one there.

And there.

Can you believe her?

She just called Irving's classic "whitewashed. "

I don't think she meant it literally.

How else do you interpret

"The town suffered the real deal right here"?

A little faith in the unexplained never hurt anyone.

You folks just passin' through, huh?

It's like you's always passin' through.

Made a big mess out of your truck, huh?

Rim's is all bent, tire's all shredded.