Robot Monster

Oh, how do you do, ladies and gentlemen.

My-my name is, uh, Slick Slavin,

and I'm just out here for a moment or two

to kind of, uh, kind of warm up the, uh, the show,

kind of warm you up for the movie that's about to follow.

And I... Oh, Mother!

How are you? So good to see you. Dad.

Hi, Dad. How come you're not sitting together?

Oh.

Melvin. Melvin, a little chocolate on your face, Melvin.

Let me get it off. There we are.

Uh, Melvin, you might as well take that, share it with your friends.

But, uh, anyway, while I'm out here, I'd like...

How do you like that? A plane in my act, and it's not even third dimension.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Goodbye, 2-D! Bye, 2-D!

I tell you what, ladies and gentlemen,

probably a lot of you folks have been thinking

about how your various Hollywood stars will look and sound in 3-D.

So, I more or less would like to show it to you,

and, uh, I'd like to sing a little song that I wrote--

That I wrote! - - a little song that I wrote

entitled "My Heart ls Owned and Operated by You."

And in the song, we'll more or less explain the rest to you as we go along.

Here we go.

Now, Cary Grant will probably look and sound in third dimension

something like this, singing the same song.

"Robot" sounds like a plug for a picture!

Jimmy Stewart doing the song.

Ronald Colman doing the song.

Once again Grant. I do four.

Jimmy Cagney doing the song.

Now, Cagney walks like he's a little out of balance.

Jimmy Cagney.

Used to work in silent pictures.

Here's a fella makes $10,000 a week, can't afford a belt.

Humphrey Bogart doing the song. Humphrey Bogart.

Okay, Rosie, I can't stand those leeches.

Come out of that washroom and come out clean.

Larry Parks from The Jolson Story. Larry Parks.

We've been working on this for months.

God bless you, I didn't think you'd get it.

Peter Lorre doing the song. Peter Lorre, what talent.

You see the little earthworm, he has no one to play with.

I cut you in half.

Now you have someone to play with.

Hey, there's a clever line... Swell.

Sydney Greenstreet doing the song. Greenstreet. Wow!

Mr. Lorre, drop that knife. Drop that knife, Mr. Lorre.

Drop that knife! Haven't I taught you to eat with a fork?

Hey, there's a good one-- Maybe not.

Charles Laughton doing the song. Laughton. Wow.

By the way, ladies, this is very reducing.

And this is how I'll look and sound in 3-D.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

And, uh, well, I guess now we're gonna kind of get on with the show.

I want to say that I certainly hope to see you real soon

in this very same theatre.

So, God bless you. We'll see you. Now, on with the show.

-Am I dead? -You're disintegrated.

Good. Does that mean we can play house now? You promised.

These woods are full of spacemen. It's either them or us. Come on.

Spacemen, you must die!

Did you say something?

He says we must die.

Oh, we-- Well, if you insist. But come here.

Wouldn't it be nicer if we could live at peace with each other?

Okay, I'll be from a friendly planet.

Good. Does that mean we can play house now?

No. I'm friendly, but I still have to find out what they're doing here.

We-- we are archeologists, boy, people who try to find out

what men were like way back before they could read or write.

The only way to pass on what they knew was through pictures like this one.

You see, our job is to chip it out carefully

and take it to a museum so people can study it.

Gee! Are you scientists?

It's even better than being cowboys, huh, Professor?

You bet!

Was he a spaceman robot?

As far as we know, there were no spacemen in those times,

and robots either.

He looks like some of those people I saw last time I was on Pluto.

Oh! What's your name, son?

Johnny!

Uh-oh, Johnny,

it looks like you've stirred a little outside of your orbit, doesn't it?

-Carla! -Here we are, in the cave.

My mother and sister. Bet you'd like her.

No doubt.

Johnny, that wasn't fair.

You kids promised you'd take a nap right after lunch

if we took you on this picnic, and off you scoot!

I hope he hasn't given you any trouble.

Not at all. Johnny, at the camp I used to go to,

we used to have to take a nap after lunch, right up until we were 14.

- You did? - Sure.

Will you be here when I get back?

If we are, you are welcome to join us.

Fine.

Come on, come on, quit stalling.

Here, dear.

There you are. Take this too, darling.

Fine.

You want to take that?

If Dad was still alive, I bet he'd let me stay.

I don't think he would, John.

Say, are we ever gonna have a new father around our house?

I don't know, dear. Would you like that?

If we do, I hope he's a big scientist

that makes rocket ships and things like that.

Extension Ro-Man, XJ-2, reporting to Guidance Ro-Man.

I salute you.

You are late 14 minutes!

Gravitational pull is stronger than reported--

.7652 higher than our planet.

Accepted. Report.

May I ask first for other news?

Granted. No life has been discovered on any other planets.

Earth is our only rival.

Was, Great Guidance.

The Hu-Man knew about atomic energy

but had not mastered the cosmic ray.

Wherever I directed the calcinator beam, they crumbled.

At first, the fools thought it came from one among their many nations.

They began destroying each other with hydrogen bombs.

I announced myself to keep them from wiping out cities,

which will give our people much amusement.

Too late, they banded against me.

Their resistance pattern showed some intelligence,

but all are gone now.

The way is clear for our people.

I want facts, not words.

My pulse has been reduced to plus-zero-zero.

Reject! Error!

Error? But Great Guidance, I have proved it!

My energizer has scan-checked by square feet.

No life above Lepidoptera level exists.

My computator is more accurate.

In the 22nd category, there is an error of 16 billionths.

The Great One is never wrong.

Then there are perhaps eight people left on earth?

Not perhaps. Precisely.

Find and destroy them, then report back.

Hey, Pop!

Pop.

Martha, it's all right! He's here!

Pop, what do you think...?

I've a good mind to give you a thrashing. Didn't we tell you

never, never, never to go outside of those wires without our permission!

Martha! Anger won't keep the boy from doing it again.

We must tell him why.

You know the terrible things that have happened

when Ro-Man landed on earth.

The only reason we are still alive

is that your sister Alice and I worked out a way

to reflect his deadly beams away from the house.

He can't see us, he can't hear us,

but one word spoken outside the barrier

and he will be down on us.

Do you understand that, Johnny?

-But I saw him! -Saw who?

Ro-Man. He's in the cave at the end of the ravine.