The Swap

-How am I doing? -Killing it, man.

Keep working on rebounding from the hit

and there'll be three Malloys on varsity.

-Come on, dude! Gimme the puck! -No, gimme the puck!

-Jack! -Four if you count your dad.

Jack, "it's not whether you get knocked down;

it's whether you get back up." Vince lombardi.

"But ya gotta get up quicker." Coach Malloy.

Son or not, if you don't recover quicker,

you're not making my team.

Understood, coach. Will work on my post- check rallying, sir.

So, sassy met Aspen

at fashionista glam camp this summer.

No big shocker there.

No wonder. I thought it was weird that Aspen

just transferred in and sassy's already under her spell.

Fashionista glam camp. What do they even do there?

Who knows and who cares?

Ok, girls, hustle in!

Ok, we are going to make a shift.

Claire, I'm gonna be working with you today, Ellie, you're gonna spot MacKenzie,

and Aspen, you're gonna spot sassy.

What?! But coach, sassy and i have been practice partners

-since, like, forever. -Don't exaggerate, El.

Like, only since kindergarten.

Ok, but Aspen is new to town--

-from New York! -Buffalo, New York.

-It's still New York. -It is still New York.

And she and sassy are just a better physical match, ok?

Ok, moving on!

Ok. Focus zone. First varsity,

then early acceptance into Boston college,

-then drafted by the bruins-- -yeah, I've seen "the list",

-jackattack. -Bro,

don't worry about coach. You're cruising past everyone.

But keep an eye on dumbledork over there.

Who, Porter? He's been trying to escape j.V.

Since we were sophomores.

He'd knock his own grandmother's teeth out

just to keep another Malloy from getting a spot.

Yo, you got this, bro.

Girls, it is time to put your big girl leotards on,

because the rumors they're true.

-Trumors. -The school is making budget cuts

and is eliminating one of the sports teams,

so it is between the badminton team -gross, i know, ew- and us.

So if we don't win big on Sunday against silver leaf high, and I mean big,

they are gonna demote us to a club.

-A club? -That's what I said. - Like chess, or thespians?

-For serious? This is tragical! -Coach, they can't do that!

My dad, uh, people will never drive halfway across the state to see a club!

I know that, and... Aw, come on!

Oh, my goodness! Are you alright, Carol?

That was my mistake. I was aiming for your neck.

-Aim for your neck next time! -That doesn't make sense.

I will come over there, i will break you in half!

Ok, you guys, you're gonna be fine. I mean,

with Ellie as your old powerhouse

and Aspen as your new powerhouse, how can you lose?

Jack, be the puck! Be the stick!

Be the puck and the stick and the space in between!

-Are you listening? -Wha...?

Not looking, listening!

Not so tough for a coach's kid, are you, Malloy?

You can't even take a hit.

I can take a hit, Porter, and I'll take that last varsity spot too.

Yeah!

Listen up, shmelts! Bring it in!

Ok, decent job. But whoever's gonna get that last varsity spot,

I'm gonna need to see your a-game, and that's not just on the ice,

but off it, too! No horseplayin',

no highjinksin',

and definitely no unsportsmanlike shenanigangin'!

We've got two more days of tryouts, boys.

Show me what you're made of!

You wanna rescue this team, don't you? Yeah.

You do. Everything you need is inside you right now.

You just have to find it. You're not little girls anymore!

You're men now! The world's gonna be your oyster!

You're women, hear you roar!

Right?

- And all you've gotta do... - -Is not blow it!

Don't leave me hanging here. Yes! Don't blow it!

Yeah! Don't blow it, boys!

Don't blow it! Don't blow it! Don't blow it!

Good job, you guys. But don't leave me next time that long, right?

'Cause for me, that's very awkward.

Oh, he's coming down! Oh!

We've got nothing.

Dude, ya gotta chop that salad. You practically got a man bun going.

-Nobody's touching my hair, dude. -Come on,

it's a varsity tradition. Plus it might help you with your "lady troubles".

Shut it.

-Quit bustin' his chops, Sally. -Who you chirpin' at, Mary?

Aw, you gonna cry, baby butter?

-Man up! -Not crying.

Champ.

Oh! You might cry when coach sees that!

-Yeah, thanks, guys. -Oh, little bro pushing back!

Broskinator. Here.

I know it's pink, but at least it still has service. Coach said

he didn't shut it off because he paid the year in advance,

but I think he just couldn't.

Nah, it's ok. I'll just go off the grid for a little while.

How's he gonna text you his inspirational quotes?

'Sides, I already transferred your number.

Mom sure did love her sparkles.

Hey, what soon-to-be varsity athlete doesn't want a twinkly sequined lady phone?

Mom? What's with the car?

Oh, I feng shui-ed it, honey, to give you a stronger life force

for the big weekend coming up!

-I'm excited. Are you so excited? -Yeah.

Oh, I got that.

Let's go!

Sweetie, won't you let me get you a new phone?

Your dad left that ancient thing behind for a reason.

It's not ancient. It's...

Retro-chic.

I just think you're attaching too much significance to an inanimate object.

"Mystical religions 101." Early shamans knew investing too much emotional energy in an object...

Could make it a totem and give it power over you.

Mom, it's a cell phone, not gollum's ring.

Hey, Jacko! You're 30 seconds late for "one-on-one truck time" with coach.

-He's pulling up now. You know how he hates to wait. -Come on, buddy.

"Better three hours too soon than a minute late."

Shakespeare.

Not even an athlete. Not with those pantaloony things he wore.

Yes, sir. Probably not, sir.

Would it really be so bad if the team became a club?

I was in Spanish club and it was "muy divertido"!

And MacKenzie is in stem club, isn't she?

At least it would be something new, and "new" is good.

New moons, new experiences, perhaps a new best friend?

-Sassy's my best friend. -Well, maybe you could let some new energy in.

I mean, isn't that what sassy's doing?

Thanks.

Have such a good day, sweetie! Mommy loves you.

-Bye, mom. -'Sup, dog breath? -'Sup, dork chop?

Good to see you, bud.

Hey! 'Sup, hot mama?

News flash? Skirts don't have legs.

-So embarrassing... -Amirite?

-There. We good? -Not really.

Sass, come on, you know we always wear our tracksuits the Friday before a meet.

-Rg pride, right? -Yeah! Wish I hadn't caved.

Uh, yeah, we did, like, make a pact last year...

Well, I wasn't here last year to lead a fashion rescue,

now was I?

Ooh, sassy, look! It's your future first husband, Jack Malloy!

You like Jack? You didn't tell me.

Does he even know who you are?

Have you never heard of a vision board? Jack is all over hers.

-Go ahead, do it like we practiced. -Ok.

-Jack, here comes a girl! -Say something.

Hey, guys.

Heeeyyyy, jaaaaack.

Uh...

Uh...

Ha...

Well, at least this time you opened your mouth, bromigo.

Yeah. Maybe next time words will come out.

Ooh, I love the strong silent type!

Nice phone, Malloy. You use that to schedule your mani-pedis?

Hey, I was thinkin'.

Doesn't coach have a rule, if you start a fight you can't be on varsity?

-You oughta know, you've tried out three times. -Actually, four times.

Did sophomore year twice, idiot.

Go ahead, ladies first!

Then it'll look like you started it when I show the video to coach. Or does that even matter?

Don't all Malloys get a free ride onto varsity?

Ha, worked better than i expected. Oh, man.

Say goodbye to your dreams, buddy.

Seriously?! I've had a milk mustache since lunch?!

You think things with Ellie are tough now? It's only gonna get worse, babe.

I mean, people like us have to make legit tough decisions sometimes.

I know, I know. I wish Ellie'd just get it without me having to be all

-super awk obvious. -It's kind of sad, actually.

Almost as sad as that ponytail. I mean, what is she, 12? Oh,

and daddy's heirloom phone? Why is she so attached to that thing?

-Like, move on already! -Yeah, I mean,

it was super sad when her dad left, but, like, life goes on and...

Ooh, is that "paparazzi pucker"?

No, it's called "lip glossip". Try it!

Maybe I can just tell her she's being too clingy and she'll, like,

change? I mean,

I don't want to actually hurt her feelings.

Ok, ok, fine, give her one more chance, keep her on social life support.

But if she's her typical buzzkill self at Claire's party, it might be time

to pull the plug. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beeeeep.

It's my lucky day. I got a crier and a kid with a bloody nose.

Here. Wipe off the tears, kid.

You took quite a hit, didn't you, hon? You want cry?

We won't tell anybody.

Not crying. Not a girl.

No offense.

None taken.

Oh, that makes it less offensive?

"Not crying". Yeah, 'cause you've got nothing