Two and a Half Men

Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn and a slushy.

What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

Pick two.

Okay, popcorn and Milk Duds.

Fine.

Large popcorn.

Okay.

But I'll still need a slushy

so I don't choke to death on a Milk Dud.

All right.

And ask then to put nacho cheese on the popcorn.

Oh, that reminds me. I've got a date tonight.

That reminds you?

Yeah, and I'm gonna need your help.

My help?

Next. Hang on.

Uh, a large popcorn with cheese,

a large slushy and a jumbo box of Milk Duds.

You want anything? My treat.

I'm okay.

I'll just eat whatever lands on the kid's shirt.

You're gonna go hungry.

That's it.

So what about this date?

Well, she got a friend visiting from out of town.

I said, "Fine," you know?

Two's company. Three's a sandwich.

But for some reason,

she insists on her friend having her own date.

So you're asking me?

Yeah.

The two of us out making the scene

with a couple hot chicks?

Oh, Lord. Never mind.

Don't be silly. It'll be fun.

We never double.

That's not an accident, Alan.

Come on. Please, please, please?

All right, all right. Save your begging for the date.

I never beg.

I grovel.

Oh!

I guess I'll have to find a baby-sitter for Jake.

I don't need a baby-sitter. Nothing's going to happen to me.

Who's worried about you? I'm worried about my house.

It's $24.50.

Whoa. Okay.

Oh, geez!

What?

I walked out of the house without my wallet.

Can you believe it?

Strangely enough, I can.

$24.50, please.

Hang on. I know what happened.

Because you drove, it didn't occur to me to pick up my wallet.

The only reason I drove was because

you said your car was low on gas.

$24.50, please.

Just a minute.

You said you'd pay for parking,

which now you won't be able to do

because you forgot your wallet.

Don't make a big deal of it.

I'll pay for parking next time.

That's what you said last time.

Yes, but this time I forgot my wallet.

$24.50, please.

Fine, I'll pay.

Ooh, you know what?

Why don't you throw in a bagel dog make it an even $30?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Bye.

I'm trusting you to act responsibly

and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Okay.

You know, this is a real turning point for you.

You're taking care of yourself.

You're becoming a man.

You, too.

Boy, it seems like only yesterday

that I was bringing you home from the hospital.

You were, you were like a little wrinkly pig with colic.

Yeah. You going or not?

You ready?

Hang on.

Good-bye, my son.

Save it for the date, Dad.

Don't burn the place down, and if you do,

don't be here when I get back.

He knows to drink the cheap Scotch,

not the single malt, right?

That's not funny.

I'm not joking.

He's probably just going to mix it

with Hawaiian Punch anyway.

* Men.

Oh, God, I am so full.

I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth.

I'll bet just a figure of speech.

This is such a beautiful restaurant.

They don't have anything like this back home.

Really? They don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?

Oh, well, yeah, I mean

we have a T.G.I. Fridays and an Applebee's.

But you never see movie stars like we did here.

Nina, they're just regular people.

And technically, I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

Well, I thought it was very exciting.

And since I'm only in town for the weekend,

I think we should go absolutely crazy tonight.

You two like to switch dates?

Ooh, I'm up for that.

No kidding?

As long as we can switch back.

Alan, I believe it's time we get the check.

Agreed.

Check, please.

Be right back.

Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

To the little boys' room.

He means the little cheap bastards' room.

What's that, Charlie?

Nothing.

Excuse me.

Back home we just call it "the crapper."

I thought you had to pee.

I did. I do.

I am.

Nice girls.

Yeah, they're terrific. Mm.

No matter how you shake and dance,

the last few drops fall on your pants.

Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

Uh-oh.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Amazing.

This might take a while, Charlie.

All right, let's play.

What, what are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Okay.

Hey, Alan?

Yeah?

This might take a while.

MAN (on TV): Where's Jennifer?

GIRL (on TV): She went into the caretaker's shack to look for Cory.

Okay, you stay here. I'll go find her.

No, I'm coming with you.

Will you people quit going into the caretaker's shack?

Cory, are you in here?

No, you idiot, Cory's been dead for an hour.

Man, should have went to bed.

Are you crazy?

Well, there are several schools of thought on that.

So, your dad let you stay by yourself tonight, huh?

Why not? I'm old enough. I don't need a baby-sitter.

Okay. Well, then I'll leave you to your movie.

Wait, wait. You don't have to go.

Want a Pop Tart?

Sure, why not?

So, what do I need to know?

Well, basically when a guy has half a face,

you leave him alone.

Charlie, you still there?

I told you it might take a while.

Well, I guess this train isn't ready to leave the station.

You know what they say.

Better to be on the toilet and not have to go

then to have to go and not be on the toilet.

Really? And who says that?

I don't know. It's folk wisdom.

Uh, the liquid soap is a nice idea

for the house, don't you think?

I guess.

I mean, it makes sense when you think about it.

You know, you wash your hands with a bar of soap,

you're passing your germs on to the next guy, but, uh...

with the liquid soap, it's not an issue.

Good idea. Mmm.

I'll tell Berta to pick up some liquid soap.

Great, great.

How funny is Berta?

She is a pistol.

Don't want to get athlete's hand.

Another good idea for the house!

Uh-oh.

Don't even think about it.

Where'd they go?