Gammera the Invincible

It's time for RiffTrax!

RiffTrax!

I mean truly. He is the grooviest Kaiju of them all.

Oh yeah.

Ah. They missed the exit for the highway to the danger zone.

But they're too proud to ask for directions.

A ship gropes through the ice field of the Arctic. The expedition

with American and Canadian cooperation,

seeks an open water route across the top of the continent.

Henry Hudson's fabled north west passage.

Wait wait. Okay. Take a breath narrator guy.

A lot of info.

I... They approach an eskimo village.

Innocently unaware of the fabulous experiences ahead of them.

Fabulous?

I'd hate to live in cold like this all the time.

These people have developed special adaptations, Mr. Iagi.

Well I hope my cameras don't freeze.

My grandson says you might be fabulous.

Welcome.

Welcome.

We have heard of your expedition, Doctor.

Welcome to... Welcome!

Look!

Much better visitors are coming!

I think that those planes up there would make an interesting picture, Mr. Iagi.

Don't you think so?

Yeah. I... Ugh. I hate back seat photo journalists.

Almost a thousand miles to the west.

I hope the shore party returns soon, Sir.

I don't like the looks of things.

Have the ice conditions changed?

No Sir. Just a feeling.

Planes! Trains! And automobiles. Why, it must be Thanksgiving.

There they are!

Above the...

Admit it Ken. You don't know morse code.

You're just playing with that thing.

I know. But it sounds so cool.

Ha. Never knew that Norad worked out of a strip mall insurance office.

Also, Norad is chatty as hell.

Get to work, you. (Mumbles)

Did I hear my name mentioned?

You did. Susan we know you've marked yourself no trespassing.

But you shouldn't stop a guy for trying.

Ha. Straight to the harassment. They're creeps but efficient creeps.

Right on.

There's a south sea island that's your direct call tonight.

Dulcet sea ripples, muted mandolins, and me.

Ah fine, until that last item.

Would you do me the honor? Maybe.

If you keep your buttery claws to yourself.

Remember that air men don't drool.

They obey.

Oh, your date's already going poorly, once your "Buttery Claws" are mentioned.

Excuse me Captain? Yes General.

Make it fast Hopkins.

This just came in. Thank you. What is it Captain?

Joe I thought you'd better see these reports.

The protocol here is baffling. But again, very efficient.

We just intercepted a message from the Japanese explorer ship...

Thank you Captain. What is it? What's wrong?

What? Are they all on amphetamines?

Lovell?

I want direct contact with air defense immediately.

Yes sir. Lieutenant?

Similar reports with the command post?

No Sir. Well ride herd!

Putting on my cowboy outfit sir.

Well get me General Arnold in Washington, pronto. Right away Sir.

General, we made contact with air defense.

They keep playing the Close Encounters theme Sir. It's very annoying.

It's General O' Neil, do you read me? Unknowns have been traced to your area.

Altitude four thousand feet. Flying north, north east.

A latitude of eight four point two seven.

East longitude one seven six point five eight.

Be willing to set and conduct them to base.

If they resist, you will use plan Skylark and destroy.

Roger.

Well I didn't pay any attention. But I did hear destroy. Let's do it.

What the? What is it?

Russian planes, and now Americans.

Trouble huh? Air trouble, yes.

Let's just pray that an airshow doesn't break out.

Well Simpson?

Still no reports of unknowns from our other command posts.

Could be their planes have flown off course, General. It's happened before.

Perhaps.

Washington, Sir? The White House.

The President. He was with General Arnold when.

No need to explain it, Lieutenant.

O'Neil speaking?

What am I wearing? Sir! Please.

Yes Mr. President. Yes Sir.

That's exactly the way it is. No Sir. Only if the unknowns resist.

Yes Sir. I quite agree with you.

The constitution is bull (bleep) Ssir.

Directly.

Red alert.

Yeah which alert is that again? Is that the one

where we throw an emergency bake sale, or the one where we assassinate the pope?

Oh damn you! Chemtrails!

Identi!

Oh sorry. I got the hiccups!

I..!

Answer if?

Oh god! Let me sip some water.

No! Gammera's dead!

Wait, what?

Wasn't he piloting that plane? No. Of course not.

Oh. Whoo.

It was Rodan. No!! Rodan's dead!!!

Harrison Ford?

Only a nuclear bomb could cause a blast like that. You're right. It was one of those jets we saw.

Well, if it was Harrison Ford, I hope he was in his refrigerator.

In the plane in the refrigerator. Realize what would happen, though?

Should a cloud come towards us.

Let us stand still here and contemplate it.

Oh, the shock wave is ruining the semifredo I made us for dessert.

Ugh. Another infinity stone? Geez Marvel!

How about changing up the McGuffin for once?

How are ya!!!??

Hey hey! This is my big entrance!

Get those damn titles off me!

Harris Associates! We are done professionally! Ugh! Ugh! You misspelled my name too!

It's one M! Okay this is lawsuit territory!

No Mr. President. I am aware of the need for restraint, Sir.

But I still prefer boxer shots.

Yes Sir. We'll stay on red alert until we receive further orders.

Good bye sir.

He just got one step closer to a military coup Jagoff!

Well the russians insist their planes flew off course accidentally.

Electronic interference. Bull!! Excuse me Sir.

I mean they couldn't have mistaken the area.

I bet they were photographing our missile locations? Well one plane maybe Lieutenant.

But not four.

No government could afford four cameras!

Accidentally. Then realize what happened, and fired on our planes in order not be forced down.

Oh our boys have done it occasionally. We all know that.

Now give me my cigar back. Any luck on raising that Japanese ship?

No sir. No air defense since you ordered them back. Our communications system is blacked out.

The explosion Sir? It's unlikely.

There must be something else causing the interference.

Keep on trying Clark. Yes Sir.

You like Clark? I sure don't.

Doesn't make sense! Well we'll get more interceptors up there!

I want to find out what's going on!

Yes Sir. Oh Sergeant Embers? Yes General?

Would you get me a cup of coffee please? Black, no sugar.

I'm a munitions expert Sir.

Been a long day. Yes Sir.

Titles over my face! Camera jammed into the eyeball! Terrible cinematography!

None of you clowns are ever gonna work again!

Whoa, ha ha ho! Gammera packing quite a...

That was just his tail, Mike.

Oh. That's what I meant.

Gammera's been charbroiled to perfection.

Here's Gam! Era!

His... Face!!

Sorry.

Didn't know that had lyrics.

What's the matter? I don't know, doctor. I can't reach the ship. Or anyone else.

I can't get anything but static.

We shall have to miss Howard Stern today.

Interference from the bomb doctor? I would imagine so.

We'd better start back at once. Right.

Good bye chief. Thank you.

Good bye.

No kiss? Not even a hug?

Wait. Some walrus pemmican for the road? Only a few years old.

Wait. Please, Dr Hidaka. You look, you take.

It's a very old stone about cloud of death.

It's a primitive carving. Of a proto killonian.

A what? An ancestral turtle. Like the leather back.

I want my leather back! Leather back! Leather back!

Okay. Cut it out. Stop it.

Old story of death and evil things that happen.

Of Gammera!

Gammera is the Frau Blucher of the dog world.

Gammera you called. This Gammera is obviously an object of terror.

There's a peculiar pattern in the background.

It's almost like waves, doesn't it? Let's ask the chief.

Is that what they are? I do not know.

Only that it is evil and very frightening.

Same answer I gave regarding juice cleansing.

Something very significant. That pattern is symbolic, of something else?

Yes I believe it is. This is not the usual way that the Eskimos depict a sea.

But what else could it be? I mean turtles live in water, so that would make sense.

Well perhaps you are right. Still I think there's much more to this than meets the eye.

Or much less? Just throwing that out there.

That's right. The cloud is spreading.

But why should any of the those planes be carrying the atomic bomb?

They don't trust each other. That's why they stay on the earth. Look there.

Mitch McConnell! Oh, Gammera.

Just getting ice for cocktails. You guys want a snort?

Gammera is dancing near us! Emergency!

Abandon ship! All hands! Abandon ship!

Any luck? No Sir.

All of our frequencies appear to be jammed. Then forget it. Abandon ship!

Oh, shell-o there! Get it?? Ah ha ha ha!