Grace and Frankie

Damn it. Damn it. Oh.

How'd it go?

It's Grace.

I know. That's why I said, "How'd it go?"

Well, you really should say "Hello" first.

- OK, call me back. - No, Frankie!

How did it go with Phil?

I... It... went... Better than I thought.

- That's it? - I'll tell you everything tomorrow.

Listen, um... I have to spend the night at Mallory's.

- Oh, no. Is she back on bed rest? - No, no, no. She's fine.

But, um, Mitch is out of town and, um, she needs help with the kids.

Uh, how are you?

- How-How'd it go with Krystle? - Fine. Not bad.

- Bad. - Oh, boy.

Yeah. If you want to stop at Del Taco on your way home tomorrow

and get me a Veggie Works Burrito, I wouldn't punch you in the face.

Well, I'd hope you wouldn't punch me in the face either way.

- Listen, I gotta go. - Oh, OK, but wait, wait,

- I have a Brianna question. - Oh, that's right.

When's your meeting with her?

Uh, tomorrow. I've gotta have the perfect gift.

The only gift I ever gave her that she liked was a Volkswagen Jetta.

No, I'm thinking more along the lines of a dime bag or cheeses of the world.

Just present your case. No theatrics. Just the facts.

Oh, I'm gonna fact her brains out.

I have a whole presentation I've been working on.

She's gonna forget she ever heard of palm oil

and she's gonna remember how much she loves me.

Yeah, well, I hope she does.

Hey, listen, I'm, uh, I'm in front of Mallory's now. I gotta go.

OK, bye. Oh, don't forget my Del Taco on the way ho...

I was starting to think you weren't gonna show up again.

Oh, I try not to make the same mistake twice.

Poor Augie. I think he hates exercise more than I do.

Oh, we can make it home. Really.

Oh, no. I shall not be responsible for the dehydration

of the friendliest dog in America.

Is tap OK?

Toilets are OK.

Robert!

Oh, dear God, no.

Yes?

What is going on?

You seem to have mistaken once again

a closed door as an invitation to enter this house.

Why was it closed?

Well, we'd have to go back in time

to the invention of structures with doors around 800 B.C.

Something about avoiding plague. Speaking of which, why are you here?

Uh-uh, why is he here?

Do you know he's still married?

- I do, actually. - I am not talking to you!

Sol, my friend is here to give his dog, Augie, full name:

Augie-Augie-Oxen-Free, a drink of water and that is all.

Is he a new friend?

He's a none-of-your-business friend.

You think I don't know what goes on at that dog park?

- Have you been stalking me? - No!

Then how did you know I was at the dog park?

Because I was driving past the dog park en route to driving past this house,

which I do on a regular basis because of traffic.

I can see how you're both looking at me.

- You, too! - Don't yell at Augie.

I'm not yelling at Augie!

This is, uh, where I say, "I should go."

No, no. Sol should go before he embarrasses himself any further.

I am not embarrassed about any of this.

I walk into places all the time like this.

And I leave like this, too.

Not embarrassed!

I am so sorry about that.

Oh, it's OK.

I mean... you told him Augie's full name

and totally neglected to mention mine, but...

He's a crazy person.

I didn't want to introduce you to a crazy person.

Well, I didn't see a crazy person.

What did you see?

I saw a man in love... who seems tortured.

This is a-a really nice room.

That's right. You haven't seen it before.

Full confession: I used my AARP discount.

I'm too embarrassed to use mine.

Oh, there's a whole section in the magazine on how to deal with that.

- May I help you? - Oh, yeah.

I think if we just free one of these up...

Oh... I'm sorry.

The last time I was here I ordered champagne

and ended up drinking it all by myself.

Well, you won't have to do it this time.

I made the wrapping paper.

I would never have not thought that.

Is something going to explode in my face?

Only love, laughter and positive feelings.

All the things you treasure about me.

Like how I've always been there for you.

Remember when your mother found your birth control and I pretended it was mine?

And I still got grounded because everyone knew you were post-menopausal,

because you kept telling us you were post-menopausal.

But the effort. That's what moved you so.

I'm not sure where it starts and... where it ends.

- This is a... - A poncho.

- Poncho. - Or a Christmas tree skirt,

- if that's what you see. - I don't see.

I would've brought one for everybody but it took me three years to knit.

Plus, I thought it would be just the two of us this morning.

Yeah, I asked Stephen and Erica to join me as protection and/or witnesses.

And/or also best friends.

- Best friend Stephen, the lights? - No, the...

Oh, I don't think I know where the light switch is.

Yeah, Stephen doesn't know stuff. And let's just leave the lights on.

Oh, I have a-an audio/visual experience prepared.

And I think we can maybe just talk through your experience with words.

OK.

The word is yeast.

I've done some research,

and I've found that scientists at the University of Bath believe yeast

will duplicate palm oil's key properties almost exactly.

Women spend a lot of time keeping yeast out of their vaginas.

I don't think we can convince them to put it back in.

I thought you might say that. So I did a little more research.

What about jojoba oil? Or rapeseed?

Rapeseed? Women also spend a lot of time keeping rape out of their vaginas.

Thinking you might say that, I did a little more research,

and I found the undeniable genius... of coconut oil.

Uh, we looked into coconut oil.

At length. But palm oil has it beat.

Mm-hmm. It doesn't require hydrogenation.

- It comes with its own antioxidants. - It inhibits cancer growth.

It has amazing mouthfeel.

And it doesn't affect taste or smell. Coconut oil does.

So does rapeseed.

- But if I... - Frankie,

I appreciate your research and you using your words,

but at this point swapping out palm oil would cost us a fortune

and we're not gonna do it.

Then I want my lube back.

But we have a contract.

What's in there? Is it a monkey?

- What... - Oh, you mean this?

I was just about to rip this mo-fo up.

I would have pre-torn it if I'd known things would take such a dark turn.

It's still a contract even if you tear it up.

Still a contract.

So you're strong.

Well... this hotel room did not let us down. Mm.

It certainly did not.

Can we never leave?

I'm pretty sure they have a system in place that will bring us food.

- Room service. - I forgot what it's called.

I... I put the menu thingy on the door last night.

I was starving.

- Room service. - Coming.

Good morning. Where can I set you up?

Uh, well, wherever you like.

Well, I recommend setting up a small dining nook right about here.

The breakfast train is rolling into the station

and... flaps up.

Let's see what we have.

Smells delicious.

Ooh, we have...

the oatmeal with fresh fruit on the side,

and brown sugar on the side,

and milk on the side, and cream on the side.

We also have a fan favorite, the South-by-Southwest scramble with bacon.

Mm. OK.

Wait a second. Have you found your nut compartment?

Excuse me?

The nut compartment. Right here in your fridge is your nut compartment,

where your assorted nuts are kept at a nut-friendly 45 degrees.

Uh, uh, Kyle? I'm sort of paying for my friend's services by the hour,

so can we just kind of wrap it up?

OK, all right. Um, well, please enjoy your breakfast.

And your friend.

All right. Well, if you need anything...

don't hesitate to call, because Kyle cares.

- Good day. - Good day.

- Bye. Thanks. - Bye-bye.

Eat up, I intend to get my money's worth.

Yes, ma'am. I intend to give you your money's worth.

Ooh, collage. Can I help?

Do you see glue? Do you see interesting photos cut into fascinating shapes?

Am I wearing my smock that says "Collage Barrage"?

No.

Then how is this collage?

This is your contract for the lube.

- Yes, yes. And where is the loophole? - What loophole?

The loophole you put in in case things went south

and I ever had to get my lube back.

Ah, the one that you said you didn't need because you're one-sixteenth Chippewa

and your word is your bond?

Yes, but you know not to listen to me and so you put one in anyway.

Right. That one. That's not in there.

Bud, you know you have to protect me from myself.

- Yeah, but that's usually at a buffet. - Oh, God. Maybe I should collage.

Mom, let's just go talk to Brianna and see if she'll take out the palm oil.

I tried it. She won't budge and now I've got to take my lube back from her.

It cannot go out into the world with palm oil in it. It just can't.

I know, and I know you're upset, but we made a deal.