Suburgatory

Tessa: Ever since her breakup with George,

Dallas was taking a new, hands-on approach to life.

Can I help you?

Oh, I can damn sure help myself!

Except when it comes to Lacey Swiss.

Half a pound, please.

Tasks she used to delegate...

Carmen, can you change the... Never mind.

...she was now tackling on her own.

In fact her attitude, in general, was...

Let me walk this dog.

All right, girl,

let's show these bitches who's pranciest.

Would you look at the size of that animal?

He has no right being off-leash!

That owner must be a real... Altman?

George Altman.

Abort!

Abort!

Dallas using her dog to avoid George

made it hard to imagine a time

when they were actually happy to see each other.

Sheila's home!

And the people rejoice!

Hiya, Fred.

What a day. What a day.

Let's see. Got all my chores done.

Victor taught me how to play "World of Warcraft."

Now, did you know that he's an adviser

to the High Priestess of Elune?

Well, he is.

I know, right?

Then me and the gals went for coffee...

Okay, Fred.

Oh, you're not gonna believe who's perimenopausal...

Fred! I still have my blazer on, okay?

That means I'm in work mode.

I need a second to decompress

before I can start hearing about who's high priestess

and who's nearing the end of their fertility cycle.

So until this jacket comes off,

I need you to be a big, old hush puppy.

- That clear? - Crystal.

Hi, mom.

Uh, Victor, your mother's had a long day at work.

Say "hi" to me. I'll greet you.

- Hi, dad. - Hi, son.

Did I do something wrong?

No, no, and neither did I.

But that doesn't mean we should not apologize.

Where women are concerned,

you should never be afraid to apologize,

even when you didn't do anything wrong.

Got it.

Yeah. Just say "sorry."

Sorry.

Not to me... to them.

Got it.

Sorry.

Suburgatory 3x04 - The Birds and the Biederman Original air date February 5, 2014

Dalia: Okay.

Since when did he get a dog?

I don't know.

I mean, is he trying to run into me?

Because he almost ran into me.

And if that happens, it's just gonna be awks.

Don't you think it'll be awks?

Uh-huh.

I think so, too. That's why, when a couple breaks up,

you have to define the territories.

And that dog park is my territory.

Totes.

I mean, what's next...

George Altman getting his cuticles pushed back

at my nail salon?

George Altman opening wide for my OB/GYN?

Wait. What?

Dalia, I'm gonna need your help with this.

But I don't like helping with things.

Just hear me out.

No.

I want you to approach Tessa Altman

with this here hastily drawn map of Chatswin

and tell her to have her daddy avoid

here, here, here, and here.

Here, there, here, and...

These are the parts in Chatswin where George shan't go.

We need to slice and dice this town

so there's no risk of us running into each other.

So it's not awks.

"Awksactly"!

Okay.

I'm gonna need 10% of everything you make.

10%?

If you want me to negotiate on your behalf, I get 10%.

5%.

No.

Girl stands firm. I like that!

While Dalia prepared to negotiate for her mother,

Fred tried to negotiate

a little quality time with his wife.

Apparently, the hot flashes aren't the worst part...

It's the incontinence that you...

- Fred! - Oh!

Sorry, dear.

I didn't realize you were still in your blazer.

Well, I am.

Well, I guess I'll just go talk about my day

with a perfect stranger on Chatroulette.

Chatroulette, incidentally, is all weenuses now.

So don't go on there looking for a friend.

You won't find one.

"All weenuses." Got it.

Thanks, dad, for giving me all this great advice.

Honestly, I don't know

if I should be giving anyone advice.

I can't even get your mother to take her blazer off at night.

Can't you guys just make love with the blazer on?

In theory.

But I don't mind telling you, Victor,

ever since she started working outside the home,

we've been ships in the night.

What does "ships in the night" mean?

Well, it means she's sleeping in her blazer,

and I'm in here, bunking with you.

Do you represent daddy Altman?

What?

I'm here representing mommy.

Do you represent daddy Altman?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Daddy Altman was at mommy's dog park yesterday.

And?

And she doesn't want him going there

or anywhere else she might be.

So... George is supposed to stay inside

for the rest of his life?

Okay.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Yeah, no.

George is never going to agree to this.

Look, Tessa,

them running into each other is gonna be awks.

If you ever had a serious relationship...

I had a serious relationship.

And he moved a million states away

to avoid running into you.

Mommy doesn't want to move.

I don't know what to tell you.

We're just trying to avoid any unpleasantness.

And you know a lot about being unpleasant.

Honestly, Dallas' plan seemed crazy to me.

But that was before I stopped for an after school yogurt...

Peach'mango unchained?

- Right here. - Right here.

Oh, hey.

You're the old girl who used to date Ryan, right?

You mean the original.

Right. June.

Mm-hmm. It's Tessa.

Right.

Ah, here. All yours.

Don't really want it anymore.

You sure?

'Cause it kind of seems like you still want it.

Hey, Junebug, you want to get...

"Junebug"?

It's just a nickname.

Yeah, I have one for you, too...

Tessa... dactyl.

I texted you after school

to see if you wanted to get a yogurt,

and you said you had plans?

And I do, with Junebug. Did I not mention that?

No.

That's good, 'cause judging from your expression,

I would have guessed it would seriously tick you off.

Oh, no, no. I'm not ticked off.

No, I think it's great

that you love hanging out with Junebug so much.

In fact, if Ryan doesn't marry her, maybe you should.

I'm seeing someone.

Hey! Tsch!

- Me? - Him. Tsch!

He shouldn't be pulling.

He's not the Alpha... you're the Alpha.

Exactly.

I wish every woman would acknowledge that.

Tsch!

So, are we still on for tomorrow,

for the off-leash stuff in the park?

Are you kidding me?

I am always up for the off-leash stuff in the park.

Tessa: What park?

Oh, hey. I thought you were having dinner with Lisa.

Yeah, well, plans change, George.

Plans change, sides are chosen, friendships destroyed.

Oh, boy. Tell me while I feed the dog.

So, Lisa, my best friend, has been hanging out

with my ex's new girlfriend behind my back.

What?!