Melissa & Joey

Will you get off the computer, please?

You've already done plenty of research on Colombia.

I can't believe Lennox's wonderful professor, Evita,

is taking her there next semester.

Do you know what they have in Colombia?

Really good coffee?

Yeah, but when you order your espresso with two shots,

they come out of a gun.

Honey, relax, all right?

Look, we have several more moves left in this chess match.

We don't even know if she's going there for sure yet.

But I'll tell you this; If you get upset,

you're gonna push her right into Evita's arms.

Uh, it's pronounced, Evita.

Oh, hey, honey.

Did you see that?

She was biting that croissant, but she was really biting my head off.

Do you know, in Colombia, they have spiders that can actually bite your head off.

Yeah, I did a little googling myself.

Anyway. Back to you.

That professor has driven a wedge between me and Lennox.

I've lost her.

You know, I blew it with my completely appropriate reaction to her little trip.

You tried to put her passport in the toaster.

Like I said, completely appropriate.

Why don't you just focus on things that you can control, all right?

Like your relationship with Lennox, you know.

Nurture it. Bond with her.

So your daughter calls you dad once,

and suddenly you're the wizard of parenting?

Pretty much, yeah.

Come on, you saw how I handled yesterday, man.

I found out Dani had a little wine-tasting party and... boom!

I was all over it. I took care of it.

So, yes, I am on a streak.

Look, not to get technical, but one victory does not make a streak.

Just saying, don't bet against me.

Um, hey, I was thinking. You know, you've studied more in one month

than I did my entire six years of college.

You need a little break.

How about you and I go get our nails did?

You're just gonna try to talk me out of going to Colombia...

No, I read the state department guidelines. It sounds really exciting.

Especially the part where they say, "never look directly at the soldiers."

I mean, that is good advice anywhere.

So, uh, what do you say?

You know, 3:00 pm at the nail salon, on me.

Sure, let's do that.

- (Door closes) - Never bet against a streak.

I thought canceling the camping trip was my punishment.

Now you're calling to tell my mom?

She needs to know what's going on, Dan.

Hey, guys, help me out. I'm having a nail polish crisis.

Should I go safe, with put a ring on it red,

or roll the dice,

with twerkquoise.

You can not tell my mom I drank wine.

She's a total hard-ass about this stuff.

Wait a second, an acupuncturist who tours with rock bands

is a hard-ass about drinking?

That's exactly why.

She's seen the damage, and now she has a zero-tolerance policy

about drugs, alcohol...

And, for some reason, the Jonas Brothers.

Felicia needs to know, all right?

And you're gonna be the one to tell her.

What? N-no, please.

Come on, Joe. Isn't that...

A wonderful way to show your daughter you love her?

Here's your phone, honey. Dial it.

But I think I forgot the number.

You did? Let me help you with that.

- (Beeps) - Dial, "Mom."

Here you go.

Um...

Hi, Mom.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm calling to tell you something.

See, I had some girlfriends over...

Anyway, um...

There was some wine there, and they drank some.

So I had some too,

to be sociable.

Yes, I know I made a mistake, but Dad is handling it.

Mm-kay.

See you when the tour's over.

Love you. Bye.

So, how did everything go?

Great. She was glad I told her.

She said it showed maturity.

You see, the lesson here is that we're a team, all right.

A team that always does what Captain Dad says.

I'm happy to call you Dad.

Just please don't make me call you Captain.

I'm good with Dad.

And the streak continues.

Don't feel bad, Mel.

I know parenting can be frustrating at times.

Especially when I make it look so easy, but, you know. (Chuckles)

What can I do?

You can shut up.

It's Felicia.

Hey, Felicia.

What?

Yes, but I really think you're overreacting.

Yes, but I really think you're...

Yes, but I really think...

Yes, but I...

Yes, but...

Yes.

So, how'd that go, Captain Dad?

Felicia just quit the tour. She's coming here to take Dani home.

Oh, no! Just because you let Dani drink?

I didn't let her drink!

I don't believe this. I'm gonna lose my daughter.

And three months earlier than we agreed on.

Well, okay, you know what, Joe?

You were the one that was able to talk Felicia

into letting her come here in the first place.

You know, you can get that time back.

You just gotta use that famous Longo charm.

Yeah, I mean...

Worked on her before.

Not that kind of charm.

That's how you ended up with a kid in the first place.

Mmm. Yeah.

I'm gonna dial it back to 50%.

Okay, so I was gonna go with blue,

but then I thought, "why not go with black?"

Black is slimming. Everyone will say, "have your fingers lost weight?"

I was thinking... Wait, you ready?

Polka dots on one hand, stripes on the other.

- Cute? - Cute?

It's genius.

Oh, this is so great.

It's been so long since us girls have taken our fingers and toes on a mini vacation.

- Evita. - Hi, Lennox.

Hello, Councilwoman.

I just finished going over the notes you typed up.

I need some revisions and wondered if you could incorporate them.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, I'm just heading out with my aunt,

but as soon as we get back.

Well, I was hoping you'd get right on it.

Oh, sorry, no can do.

This is a very important event, and it cannot be rescheduled.

We're getting mani-pedis.

Yeah, at one of the nice salons, where you have to make an appointment.

Nail salon?

Really?

Is there something wrong with that?

No, it's just...

Oppressed women kneeling at your feet,

inhaling toxic fumes all day, all so you can look like a painted doll.

Uh, they were masks, and they massage your hands and tell you you're beautiful.

Who else does that? No one.

Lennox, I have to say,

I'm surprised you'd buy in to such a classist ritual.

Your foot is in the hands of these women,

but you're really stepping on their heads,

keeping them down.

Wow.

Yeah, I guess I never thought about it like that.

Maybe the nail salon's not such a good idea.

Okay, professor Buzzkill.

Let's put this in perspective.

I want to take my niece to the nail salon.

Ooh, scary.

You want to fly her to the jungles of Colombia

to chillax with machine gun-toting drug lords.

Which one's worse. Let me think.

On one hand, you could wind up with a little foot fungus.

On the other hand, you could wind up a little dead.

Yeah, sure, I may be a narcissist,

but you, professor, are a self-important windbag.

And what's more,

Well...

Can't argue with that.

Email me the finished doc when you're done.

Will do.

So...

Let's go get us some happy feet.

You just humiliated me,

and insulted someone I respect a great deal.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I thought I made some really good points.

Before the... (Blows raspberry)

Felicia! How do you get off a plane and still look fresh as a Daisy?

Dani is leaving today, Joe. This is not open for negotiation,

and don't try to pull out that Longo charm.

Whoa, hey. I'm not gonna pull anything out.

No, I respect you way too much for that.

Look, um, why don't you just, you know,

stay here for a couple of days,

and you'll see this is really a great environment for Dani.

Huh. Oh.

So your idea of a great environment

is an open bar for 13-year-olds?

Let's not fight, okay?

Look, we made a deal. Dani was supposed to stay here for three more months