Shameless

This is what happens when you miss an episode of "Shameless."

Your entire life goes completely to shit.

Anyone try to find me

when I was in the ICU for the last month?

We were kind of hoping you were dead.

You good?

I learned I'm not an alcoholic.

What about finishing college?

- Is that off the table? - I got a professor.

Uh, he's gonna help me find something... a tech startup.

It just might be a while before I get paid, you know?

This management thing is a pain in my ass.

I'm losing money.

Tell you what. Pay yourself

an extra 50¢ an hour, make up the difference.

- An extra buck an hour. - Done.

Nice stroller. Where'd you get it?

Oh, I found it in the park, I'm gonna sell it.

Dom won't go down on me 'cause I'm not circumcised.

It has all this extra skin, and it kind of freaks me out.

I can't feel a thing.

Don't worry.

You will soon.

I'm meeting an old high school friend for dinner.

- An old friend? - Denise.

Please tell me she has a dick.

You have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast.

Our yield on gross revenues are shit.

Are we seriously not gonna have sex?

'Cause I kind of took a Viagra.

Oh, yeah, just walk right by, ignore your father

that you tried to drown in the river.

I was only telling the truth!

Come on, Frank!

Open the damn door!

Come on, Frank!

Open the door.

Hey, Hector?

Hi, it's Fiona.

Oh, shit. Hang on!

Hi, you still there?

Sorry. Uh...

Can you work today?

Santos called in sick again.

Yeah, I'm tired of his bullshit, too.

You can?

Oh, that's great. Okay.

I'll see you at ten.

I thought you were living at Caleb's?

Caleb's sleeping with a chick.

- He's bi? - No dude is bi, all right?

You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.

So you guys broke up?

Haven't decided yet. Probably.

God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.

All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag?

- You're gonna give me a boner. - You sleep at all last night?

No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.

You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?

Eyes on the prize, my brother.

Yeah, which is?

A blowie from Dominique.

The chick who made you cut your dick?

Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.

She didn't make me.

I wanted to.

You guys just don't understand true love.

Uh, you know, it's pretty cold out there.

You better put on a turtleneck.

Oh, oh! Excuse you.

Oh, you got to forgive Carl, his manners were in his foreskin.

Uh, stop it! It just gives me the willies

thinking about someone near my junk with a knife.

Where is my vacuum cleaner?

- Upstairs probably. - Kev, grab our cleaning shit.

What's all that crap?

I'm helping Fiona with the bills over at Patsy's.

Place is in a financial shitstorm.

Yeah, the Alibi, too.

Svetlana's getting things in order,

which makes me the house husband.

I keep forgetting about the weird situation

you got going on with the two wives.

It's not weird. It's modern.

You're gonna have to draw me a Venn diagram

to explain how that works.

What's up with mopey?

Ah, boy trouble.

Girl trouble.

I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.

Where's my vacuum?

What are you doing?

Uh, vacuum, hall closet.

And I'm getting rid of Frank's shit.

That fuckhead's back in the house?

Yeah, nailed the door shut from the inside.

- How's he getting in and out? - I don't know.

Window? Ladder?

Get a restraining order on his ass.

That would mean that I cared.

And I don't anymore.

Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?

Did me a favor.

Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.

Good morning, my wasted sperms.

Frank, you're walking.

In a weird way, but you're walking.

Why don't you go away, Frank?

Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?

Ex-father?

We would be so lucky.

Filling out the paperwork to disinherit

you abortion-should-have-beens.

Disinherit? Wow.

So we don't get that jelly jar?

Or the three pieces of silverware

you stole from the Ramada Inn?

Or the shame and the embarrassment?

Go ahead, joke all you like.

But once my parental rights are terminated,

you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.

Hallelujah!

I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona.

Here's your shit.

I'm taking my room back.

And I'm padlocking the house.

Aw, you made me toast.

Thanks.

Buh-bye, got to go to work.

You can't get rid of me that easily.

Has she talked to anybody about what happened at the wedding?

- Not to me. - Me neither.

Tumors are repressed feelings, you know.

- Come on. Liam, let's go. - What?

He's the only one that stands a fighting chance

to become a real Gallagher.

- No fucking way! - Eh, you can't just take him, Frank.

Yes, I can. I'm his father.

And he is staying in the will.

Aren't you?

Do you think, in his own way, Frank's actually

a pretty good dad?

No.

Jesus.

Well, look who it is...

Beauty and the Beast.

I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.

Too bad you're walking again, Frank.

I was praying for permanent paralysis.

Where'd you get the stroller, Debs?

The only thing Monica and I could afford

to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.

Hey, give me that! It's not yours.

Well, apparently it's not yours either.

- Ugh. - Maureen Wilson.

Looks like you already cleaned out the cash,

Little Orphan Angry, so, uh...

I'll take the platinum.

You can't do that, Frank!

Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?

Fine, take it. Careful, Liam.

I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.

You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern

you called your uterus better start looking

for a new last name.

I'm disinheriting both of you

and taking back the Gallagher name.

Gladly.

And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go

by her middle name from now on... Harriet.

Harry. So she has no more connection to you.

Harry!

Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dyke

she's gonna grow up to be someday.

Come on, kid. We got work to do.

Hey, Carl.

Hey, bunch of us are going to the movies tonight.

You want to come?

I told you, I can't hang out with you for 72 hours.

Thought that meant we just couldn't fool around?

Even just being in your vicinity gives me a boner.

That's so sweet.

Seriously, stop.

Hey, freak fuck!

Heard you got a tranny operation.

I only told a couple of people.

Got your penis chopped off.

Now you're a lady.

Not that you were that far off to begin with.

See you around, Bruce Jenner.

Hey, Bruce Jenner was the dude, so fuck you guys.

Thanks for the compliment.

Don't listen to them.

Okay, I think you're manly for what you did.

And when the 72 hours and one second is over,

I'm gonna loosen your belt,

then take off your pants...

- No. - Then your underwear.

No, no, stop.

- Then suck your lollipop. - I'm serious.