Flesh Gordon

Jd

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North and south America,

and all our ships at sea, let's get a fresh flesh... -Flash!

Congress today has called an emergency session,

but as yet no one has shown up.

And the president refuses to issue a statement,

having locked himself and the vice president

in his bath-room early this morning.

However, the first lady urges all, and I quote,

"seek comfort in the Bible," unquote.

A bulletin just in, the world's top scientists

are holding a conference in Washington, D.C.,

awaiting a statement from professor Gordon,

world authority on animal behavior and renowned physicist.

Gentlemen, we are in big trouble.

Sex madness perils planet!

Extra! Read all about it!

Sex madness perils planet!

Get it now, read all about it!

Sex madness perils planet!

Hey, scram you horny jerks!

Gentlemen!

As I have told you, we are in big trouble.

I think there is no need for me to describe to you

the incredible chaos our beloved planet

has been plunged into.

Of the disgrace-ful acts which are being committed

at this very moment!

In every apartment, on every street corner,

or on the rooftops!

In grass huts in the jungle, in igloos in the arctic.

In airports, in markets,

in movie houses, in the parks!

Yes, we are in big trouble.

Doctor Gordon...

All of us here are aware of the total degradation

that has overcome the masses,

but what are we going to do about it?

What is causing it?

Now I say it's a virus and we must find a vaccine for it!

It is not a virus,

any fool can see it's a case of mass hypnosis!

Hypnosis... ha! I've done research

and traced the cause to cans of bad passover tuna.

Tuna fish, tuna fish!

This guy's got Mercury on his brain!

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, we must be calm!

Future generations are depending on decisions made here today.

Now, I have discovered three things about this madness.

Number one, not all areas are affected.

Look around you, are anyone of you sexually aroused?

Yes, ha-ha-hal

anyone of you, huh? No!

Not all areas have been affected.

Number two, my son, who has been rep-resenting

United States at the tenth international ice hockey

playoffs in Tibet,

has discovered what appears to be a great beam of light

proceeding from some far off planet

whose appearance is simultaneous

with the first occurrence yesterday.

Number three, I discovered my wife...

In bed with the garbage man.

But what about your son, professor?

Did he find anything else out?

Yes professor, what are you holding back from us?

What's the scoop?

My son is at this very moment,

'on his way back to this country and as soon as he has landed...

We shall all find out.

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Jd

Mable towers, mable towers,

we're experiencing foul weather.

Sorry!

Oh, oooh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Is this your first flight? My first drink.

It's a terrible storm,

do you think we're going to make it?

Don't worry.

These new fordent trimotors are the safest things in the sky.

My name is Dale ardor, what's yours?

Flesh. Flesh Gordon.

Oh, professor Gordon's son?

Why yes.

Sir, look out!

Control yourself, Dale!

Control yourself, Dale! Dale!

Con-control yourself, Dale!

Sir, I've got a giant boner!

Well slap the damn thing down.

I can't!

I've got to keep this thing under control.

I can't!

Mable towers, mable towers.

You got two horny son-of-a-bitches here.

We're signing off.

Dale! There's no one at the controls!

The plane's going down!

Go down, go down!

Oh yes, oh yes. Oh, flesh.

Flesh! Flesh!

Oh, flesh!

Flesh!

Let me go!

Flesh!

Flesh... oh!

Jd

Dale. We'll have to bail out.

Flesh, oh my god, ooh.

Oh my god!

Just hold on!

I can't hold anymore!

Ooohhh. Oh!

Jd

Flesh, mmm.

Dale?

Dale, darling, are you all right?

You called me "darling."

Oh, flesh, what's happening?

- Can you walk? - I think so.

Here, put this on.

Jd

Flesh, what's that?

Come on, maybe we can get to a telephone there.

Stop.

Not another step further.

I know what you've come here for.

But you're not going to get it.

Look, I don't know who you think we are,

but this girl's hurt, and we gotta get to a telephone.

You see, we were flying along in this airplane from Tibet,

when suddenly we were hit by this sex ray from outer space.

And this unrestrained sex orgy ensued,

which both of the pilots joined in.

When I noticed the plane was going down,

I took over the controls

but they broke off in my hand.

So you see the young lady,

nearly overcome with sex madness,

and myself, bailed out just before the plane crashed.

And we landed just over there.

Do you take me for a fool?

Do you think I don't know you've come here to steal

the secret plans to my new interstellar,

hydrocombustion, miracle patented, micro-teflon,

nuclear, gamastaddle rocketship-plane-missle!

Which was twenty years in the making.

And employs a new updraft design,

which lifts the ship on small spirals

of synthetic strontium pellets.

Do you think I don't know that!

Well, I've never even heard of it.

So you're barking up the wrong tree.

Come here, young lady.

I would like to conduct a little experiment,

you see there's evidence that exposure to the sex ray,

increases the size of the secondary...

- Jerkoff! - What?

Flexi jerkoff, I thought I recognized you.

Why... why you must be flesh,

professor Gordon's son.

I was wondering why you knew so much about the sex ray.

Come, let me show you the ship.

Gosh, let me introduce you.

Dale ardor, this is doctor flexi jerkoff.

How do you do?

So you see, I've actually discovered which planet

the sex ray is coming from,

and fortunately, the straddle ship was ready just in time.

Oh, you can't know what it was like, out here,

all alone when the sex ray hit.

It was hell!

Fortunately, the rocket was completed before that happened,

and the design was not influenced.

You look so funny.

Jd

Oh, the likeness is incredible.

I was able to get most of the parts

from the sears catalogue.

And you really think it will make it to

the outer reaches of the solar system?

It's got to.

It's the last hope humanity has.

Flesh... Dale...

Will you come with me?

It will be a dangerous trip,

and I don't know what we're likely to encounter out there,

but someone has got to save the earth

from the treacherous clutches of that evil ray.

What do you think, Dale?

Flesh, let's do it.

Sure, why not, we'll give it a try.

Wonderful!