M*A*S*H

The Barbarian of Seville. Quiet!

Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts

to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?

‐Because I'm a music lover. ‐(chortles)

Wait, don't tell me.

That's the moose aria from Don Ameche.

‐Don Giovanni. ‐Well, "don" sing anymore, please.

‐(vocalizing) ‐Hey, you in the balcony.

How can you just sit there

without asking for your money back?

‐(continues) ‐Will you shut up or I'll cry?

Don't you have ears?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just getting lost in this letter from Peg.

Oh, the weekly gut‐wrencher, huh?

I'd like to mail it back to her with me in it.

Beej, it doesn't do any good to stew.

You miss them, they miss you, the whole schmear.

I stopped singing for this?

Hey, I'm just homesick and depressed. It's okay.

Another hour, I'll only be homesick.

Well, how do I look?

Not that your opinion matters.

In that case, you look great.

Who's the lucky cadaver?

Nurse Jacqueline Carew.

Bryn Mawr, '48.

Harvard, nothing.

Very good.

Jest if you will,

but this will be an evening to remember.

Italian opera, French wine...

And a Mexican standoff.

Sirs, are you busy?

No, Radar, come in. And bring your bodyguard with you.

Sir, uh, this is Kim Sing. You know her father Su Sing.

Su Sing? Oh, yeah. That nice little guy

who sells vegetables to the company mess.

‐He's not so little. ‐Don't be short with me, Radar.

‐What's up, Radar? ‐Oh, listen.

I think her father's really sick.

I mean, he's got a fever. He's got chest pains.

He's coughing up blood and everything.

Probably pneumonia.

Aren't the people in this area

issued sulfa?

Yes, Charles, they are,

but they sell it in order to buy food.

Then they walk around infecting each other.

I used to donate one Thursday afternoon a month

to the respiratory unit at Mass General.

Uh, well, maybe you could go see him then, sir.

Certainly not. This isn't Thursday,

we are not in Massachusetts, and I have a date.

Gentlemen. Corporal.

You know, if he had a conscience, it still wouldn't bother him.

I'll go with her, Radar. I'm not doing myself any good sitting here.

Just what you need: a nice pleasant change of problems.

You move, please. We go now.

Right away, honey.

Not right away. Now. Move, please.

I think I'll be going now.

Oh, that's where that's from.

You go fast.

I promise you, Kim,

we'll get there as fast as we can.

You go fast.

Look, honey, don't worry.

Right. Shut up and drive.

Shut that blasted thing off.

The general said shut that blasted thing off.

Can we have it quiet out here? Our snipers are trying to sleep.

Who's this soldier's C. O.?

General Prescott wants to know who's your C. O., soldier.

Here's our maestro now.

All right. What's the big stink all about?

Oh, uh, General.

May I present the nearest thing we have to a general‐‐

Colonel Sherman Potter.

This is Brigadier General Marion Prescott.

‐Marion. ‐Leave it alone.

You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?

I don't think so, General.

‐Were you in World War II? ‐Yes, sir.

‐I knew you looked familiar. ‐Uh, right.

What can we do for you, sir?

I had a little fracas at the front.

That's where I got this.

No kidding. I've been looking all over for one of those.

‐Pierce. ‐Somebody help me down.

The general was felled in the midst of action

while traversing battalion combat positions.

I wish they'd keep those foxholes in plain view.

Well, you came to the right place, General.

A day on your back and some ice,

and you'll be waltzing on that ankle.

Just follow the two little left feet on the floor.

Hey, hey, hold it. I haven't got time to loll around.

Just wrap a bandage around it.

I want to be out of here in an hour.

I'll have you bandaged in half an hour.

Of course, they'll have to leave off the gold braid.

Pierce.

Be it ever so humble.

‐(speaking Korean) ‐(speaking Korean)

I'm sorry. "Hello" and "Put it on Hawkeye's tab"

is the only Korean I know.

Will you tell your mother I'm a doctor?

Doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor, come, please.

‐(coughing) ‐Hi.

Hello. I'm Dr. Hunnicutt, the center of attention.

You fix him up, Doc.

Looks like you could use a good blanket, Su Sing.

‐Does your chest hurt a lot? ‐(speaking Korean)

‐(coughing) ‐Okay, okay. Sit up.

I get the picture.

Can you breathe for me?

‐(inhales) ‐(coughing)

Mrs. Sing, I'm afraid your husband has a severe case of pneumonia.

Do you understand pneumonia?

I'm gonna give him a shot.

Then I'll come back tomorrow and give him another one.

But I need you to make sure‐‐ it's very important‐‐

that he gets two of these pills,

two of these pills every day.

And give one to everyone in the family

so they don't get sick like Papa‐san, okay?

I will give later.

Uh, no, not later, now.

I'd like to see them get the medicine.

‐I'm kinda funny that way. ‐Okay.

Now you roll over, Su Sing. There you go.

Papa‐san work in field soon?

Not for a while, honey. He needs rest.

He needs to be kept warm and dry and get decent food.

I'd like to take him back to the MASH with me.

No, stay together!

He can get decent care there.

No, stay together!

(scoffs, speaking Korean)

She much afraid that we not stay together.

We lose one son already: Cho‐Duk.

He was killed?

Army take him.

And you haven't heard from him since?

You help find Cho‐Duk?

I don't have many connections with the South Korean Army.

Please?

There's almost no chance of finding him.

Please.

Sure. No problem.

All right. Be a brave little soldier.

Bite down on the flask.

Hey, don't be smart‐alecky.

Aah!

Ooh, gee, I'm sorry I heard you scream, General.

What do you want?

Uh, I need the general's signatures

on these general release forms.

Can you write with the other foot?

‐Gimme those. ‐Yes, sir.

‐(groans) ‐And a DA‐5 release for the release forms.

Here you go, General. We're all out of lollipops.

You can use these to swat tanks.

Anything, as long as they get me out of this loony bin.

‐Please, we call this home. ‐Yeah.

Wait a minute. You know how to walk on these?

Get outta my way.

They come with a set of instructions.

Now you look‐‐Aah!

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

Oh, my wrist. My wrist!

Okay, take it easy.

Is it broken?

I wouldn't try waving good‐bye.

Hey, listen, this can't happen.

He's already signed out.

Eight blankets, four pillows,

a carton of C‐rations, case of condensed milk.

This all for you, Captain?

It's for a Korean family that's barely making it.

Oh, that's really rough.

‐No. ‐I didn't hear that.

Oh, let me put it to you a different way.

No use of military items by nonmilitary personnel.

You know that, Captain.

Zale, these people need help,

‐and I want to give it to them. ‐Sorry.

How 'bout if I pay you for it, then?

Please, I'm a man of principle.

Besides, you don't have that kind of money.

All right, Sergeant. Let's deal in a currency

a little closer to your heart, like your skin.

Would I‐Corps approve of that Quonset hut motel

you shipped home to your wife?

‐That's blackmail. ‐That's right.

That's a deal.