M*A*S*H

RADAR (narrating): To Headquarters, Seoul, Commanding General.

From 4077th MASH,

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,

commanding officer.

Subject: Weekly activity report and personnel record.

Period: 17 October, 22 October,

inclusive, 1951.

17 October.

Incoming wounded unusually heavy.

All surgical personnel on full alert working 24 hours.

Uh, Radar?

Uh, would you toss me the keys to the linen room, please?

Thanks, pal.

RADAR (narrating): Among incoming surgical cases:

One enemy prisoner.

Subheading: Infantry. Subheading: Chinese Communist.

Description of prisoner wound attached.

See schedule under Wounds, Chinese, Communist.

Details of incident in O. R. follows.

Pickups. You're new here.

Yes, sir. Lieutenant Erika Johnson.

You're built very nicely for a lieutenant.

Another suture. I'm Hawkeye.

A little suction here, okay?

Hmm, nice touch.

Beautiful eyes. If you do windows, you're hired.

Henry, there's too much chatter in here! Too much chatter!

Forget it, Frank.

‐Just operate. ‐Is that what he's doing?

I've seen better surgeons at religious sacrifices.

I've been operating for years

and I've never had any complaints from my patients.

How many talking horses are there?

‐Got any plans for later? ‐No.

More suction. How about a cup of coffee?

Go for a ride in an ambulance with the top down?

Okay.

Great.

Just my luck, under that mask you don't have any teeth.

In that case, the date's off.

Not necessarily. I've been here a long time.

Okay, okay, this kid's all ready to go. He's all retreaded.

Let's go. Get him out of here. Come on. Let's go.

You're gonna be okay, pal.

Come on. You got a new team here?

Oh, boy, look what this guy's got.

Look at that.

What is this? Are we operating on Communists now?

He's a wounded prisoner, Frank. They brought him in with the last batch.

‐He's had 50 of Demerol. ‐Take it easy, Hawk.

The way they're brainwashed, he thinks we're gonna carve him up and eat him.

"Bungchow." That means peace and friendship.

All right, Gwen, let me see this other picture here.

He's got a small bullet wound in the rump.

Yeah. All right, okay, put him under.

In cases like this, an hour after you operate you're hungry again.

‐(people gasping) ‐Hey, kiddo, get back on the table!

Get away from here, you nut!

All right, watch it. He's got a knife.

‐What's he gonna do? ‐NURSE: Careful.

All right, just stay calm everybody.

Don't panic. Calm down.

Nobody move.

Help, guard! Mayday!

‐Bungchow! ‐Somebody grab him!

Bungchow! Bungchow!

‐(screaming) ‐(shrieking)

There goes the I. V.! He's contaminated the whole field!

And that's the last bottle of A‐B negative blood we've got.

Nurse! Nurse!

Bungchow! Oh, please, bungchow!

Easy. It's okay now. No one's gonna hurt you. No, no, just give...

No, no, no. No one's gonna hurt you.

Give me the knife. Come on.

Give me the knife. Come on.

‐(screams) ‐Give me a sponge.

‐She's hurt! ‐Okay, kid, just relax, all right?

Just take it easy now. Just calm down.

Take it easy. It's all right.

What's all the hoo‐ha?

Are you crazy? You wrecked a $39 dress.

Your people will pay for this.

Father Mulcahey tried to calm the prisoner by yelling "bungchow,"

thinking it was Chinese for "peace and friendship."

Unfortunately, it really means,

"Your daughter's pregnancy brings much joy to our village."

P.W. surgery completed by Captain Pierce.

Prisoner recaptured by Corporal Max Klinger...

who sustained loss of personal property.

Please see requisition form S427J‐9,

requesting replacement of one brassiere,

brand name, Miss High Rise,

36 B‐cup.

I had that kid five, maybe ten minutes away from closing.

How could you let him grab a knife?

It was a new experience for me, too.

My patients don't grab a knife until after they've seen the bill.

He's going sour on me, you know.

Temperature 102.

Vital signs are lousy‐‐ the works.

I have every confidence in you, Dr. Hackenbush.

Here. I made you a nice cup of tea.

I don't feel like any.

You make it very hard for a guy to be a Gray Lady.

Chateau Hawkeye, '51.

A very good year.

The cheeky little wine.

They call it the "rascal of the vineyards."

Red or white?

Hash for dinner. I think red.

I'm bringing this to Erika's.

Just like you to poison an innocent girl.

‐How's she doing? ‐Oh, she's fine.

Prisoner just winged her.

Superficial, but it should be good for a week in Tokyo.

‐Accompanied by her personal physician. ‐Personal physician.

It figures. Cutting up a nurse is bad enough.

But why the hell did he have to louse up my patient?

Come on, Trap. Ease off. The guy was terrified out of his skull.

I'll tell that to the kid in bed six.

If I ever get him conscious again.

You do your part and I'll do mine.

MAN (over P. A.): Attention, Major Houlihan.

Your chest X‐rays are ready and they really came out beautiful.

Pierce, what's the big idea saluting me?

We all have our bad days, Frank.

‐(growls) ‐What are you doing?

I was, uh‐‐

Can't a guy have a wash and set

without somebody biting him on the neck?

‐Biting who? ‐I was biting you.

No, you weren't, you were biting me!

Klinger, what are you doing in here?

Borrowing your shampoo, Major.

It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.

No, we don't! You get out of here, you pervert!

Pervert? Who bit who, Major?

Out!

Out!

I've had enough of his shenanigans. I'm going to talk to Henry.

I want that freak out of this outfit and out of the U. S. Army!

Oh, Frank, you're so exciting

when you get all riled up and decisive.

I am?

Frank, would you like to bite the real thing?

Ah. That's really nice.

Thanks. Uh, is this wine?

Well, you could call it that, I guess.

Just keep it away from open flame or living tissue.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Just a bit throbby, that's all.

You know, in a way, I'm not sorry it happened.

Come again?

Well, we can always tell our children,

"Your mother and I met at a stabbing.

"We were introduced by a berserk Chinese Communist.

It was love at first blood."

What's the prognosis?

I'm afraid I have bad news for you.

‐What? ‐You have only ten seconds to kiss me.

Let's listen to the old heart, shall we?

Listen, Lieutenant, I gotta shove off.

But you just got here.

Well, like, there's a lot...

‐What? ‐Uh... a lot of sick people.

At ease, everybody. Sit if you like.

Now, Burns, you wanted to see me?

Yes, and it's very important.

What's the problem, Frank?

We have a situation that's way out of hand,

and something has to be done.

I've sent for Corporal Klinger, sir.

Klinger? What do I want Klinger for?

Because it directly concerns him and it's serious.

‐Better send for him right away, Radar. ‐Oh, yes, sir.

‐Go ahead, Frank. ‐Corporal Klinger has got to go.

He's a menace to the discipline

and morale of this military establishment.

Well, that's a very serious charge.

Get Klinger over here right away.

Yes, sir.

Colonel...

Frank, please try to say something.

Even a gurgling sound would help.

Look, you keep this up and someone's gonna do an autopsy on you.

I've had it with that clown Klinger.

He's degraded all of us for the last time.

Corporal Klinger reporting, sir.

Please, sit down.

Thank you.

At ease.

Okay, he's here. Let's have it.

What's wrong with Klinger?

"What's wrong with Klinger"?

A soldier stands in your office

in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong?

I'll admit, he's no Lana Turner.

I don't usually wear floor‐length during the day.

‐Oh. ‐BURNS: Henry?

This moron is bucking for a section eight discharge,