Sirens

As for Jay Cutler's knee,

the M.R.I. came back clear.

Good news for The Bears,

as he's expected to play this Sunday

against Drew Brees and the Red-Hot Saints.

Cutler says he feels good.

The knee's not giving him any problems...

Any word on Jay Cutler?

- Pump says he's a go. - Oh yeah.

Guess I should be glad they don't have porn

on gas pump TV.

Or we'd be here all afternoon.

Let me tell you something about me, honey.

The day that we as a civilization

get to the point

where we're broadcasting pornography

from televisions attached to gas pumps

is the day I start

As he's expected to play this Sunday

against Drew Brees and the Red-Hot Saints.

Cutler says he feels good.

The knee's not giving him any problems...

Any word on Jay Cutler?

- Pump says he's a go. - Oh yeah.

Guess I should be glad they don't have porn

on gas pump TV.

Or we'd be here all afternoon.

Let me tell you something about me, honey.

The day that we as a civilization

get to the point

where we're broadcasting pornography

from televisions attached to gas pumps

is the day I start working at a gas station.

How much porn are you watching these days?

You mean, since we've been on break?

- Yeah. - Why do you ask?

Well, when my brother Donal and his girlfriend broke up,

he was watching it all the time.

Did I tell you that I walked in

on him and his laptop in my parents' bathroom

last Christmas?

Twice.

Donal's a moron. I'm not Donal.

And you know what?

And this is the truth here.

Yeah?

Kinda stopped watching it.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

I lost all interest in other girls. Completely.

And porn. First time it's ever happened to me.

I am so flattered.

Babe, this is huge.

Most guys,

they get out of a long-term relationship,

their porn addiction goes through the roof.

Me, I went the other way.

- You had an addiction? - What?

You used the word "addiction."

Yeah. About Donal. Not me.

I stopped. Cold turkey.

Uh, that didn't come out right.

No, it didn't.

What about you, smarty pants?

What about me?

- You watch any porn? -

Come on.

You know what porn is to me.

It's real estate, shoes, and guns.

If I could find a magazine

with glossy pictures of all three...

That'd really get me off.

- - What?

- I'm thinkin'. - What about?

- Starting a magazine. - Oh, my God.

- Aw, shit. - What?

My sister Maeve's stupid book club

is tomorrow night.

We're reading Gone Girl , and I haven't finished it yet.

And then Billy sat on my iPad,

which had my copy of Gone Girl on it.

Well, here you go, use mine.

- Really? - Sure.

- Thanks. - No problem.

Password is "Ditka."

'Course it is.

Looks great.

- Thanks. - Whole place looks great.

Yeah. New place, new start.

Oh, I wanted you to have my spare key.

- Oh, okay. - For emergencies.

I don't want you to just walk in here unannounced.

- I won't. - 'Cause you never know.

- Never know what? -

Who might be here?

Who are you expecting?

Technically, we are both still free to date.

Hey, I gave up porn for you, remember.

- -

I'm late. Meeting the girls for lunch.

- You gotta go. -

Just for the record,

you're not allowed to just drop by my place

unannounced either.

Oh, in case I walk in on you and Ditka?

Oh, my God, if that ever happens,

just start taking tons of pictures, okay?

Go.

- Bye. - Bye.

How's he doin'?

- He's conscious. - Blood sugar's at 30.

- Give him one E.P. of d-50. - You're gonna be all right.

They got the doctors on today.

I... I need you to do something for me.

- Sure, bro. Call your wife? - No, no, no, no.

No, I need you to go back to my apartment,

clear the history out of my computer,

and then call my wife.

- Seriously? - Please! Please!

- - Yeah, okay.

Okay.

So what do you guys think it is?

Like some surprise birthday thing for the wife?

Or... oh, my God.

You think he's having an affair?

Yeah, with online porn.

- Really? - It's always about porn, Bri.

Why else would a guy that was on his deathbed

ask three strangers to go to his house

and erase his computer history?

Or maybe he's a terrorist. Oh, my God!

What if it's some kind of terrorist plot?

Maybe we should call the F.B.I. or the N.S.A.

You know what the N.S.A. considers

the first significant sign that you're part

- of a terrorist plot? - What?

If you don't have porn on your computer.

Well, then they're coming after me, I guess.

You don't watch it?

Not any more, no. I stopped.

I found that free online porn

was becoming a cancer in this country.

The young men in my generation, in particular,

were beginning to get unrealistic expectations

about both women's bodies and sexual activity.

I think it may have scarred an entire generation of men.

So I decided to stop.

And begin the healing process.

Holy shit.

Exactly how much time did you spend beating off?

Um...

Oh, there it is.

Let's just hit clear history,

erase his crap, and get the hell out of here.

Even though he's a PC guy.

My father's a PC guy, so...

I can handle this.

Just, uh, two clicks,

and easy peasy.

- Here we go. -

Yeah, see? Told you.

Okay, okay, you guys were right.

I think we all know where this is going.

Now here comes the...

- - All: Oh!

- It's loud! - It's so loud!

- Turn it off! -

End it!

I don't blame you.

I blame society.

And that damn Internet.

Hold on.

I got somethin' might help you out.

You think he has a special pill

or a potion or something?

- Brian, he's not Oz. - He's very wise.

I think I may have to give up porn.

Now, everybody, just let's not panic, okay?

It was a horse.

Having an orgasm.

It's not the end of the world.

Aah, maybe it is the end of the world.

I can't stop seeing it.

Did anyone else notice how blue the horse's eyes were?

- What? - Just trying to help.

Whenever I find myself engulfed

in bothersome thoughts,

I sit down and have me some pure heaven on earth.

Go ahead, take a bite.

I saw a lot of bad shit in Vietnam.

But it's what I expected.

War. And all its ugly parts.