UnREAL

You brought back August?

It's called "Everlasting All-Stars."

Like it or not, you boned an All-Star.

Welcome to the wild, wild west version of "Everlasting."

- Hump or Dump. -

We are taking your show to the next level.

Tommy Castelli.

Tommy's the new producer and game designer

I emailed you about.

- - Alexi and Candi are joining the show.

We're gonna have to hide the ball on the whole stripper thing.

Candi Coco is a superfan.

I choose Rodrigo.

How dare you?! You know he's the only reason I'm even here!

- Welcome back, Roger. - He full-on frat-boy-date-raped her.

You brought Maya back.

Not even a trace of feminist guilt?

I'm all in, Quinn.

You spend all your time pushing

these shiny bimbos over the finish line, but you?

- You can't quite get there yourself. - I can get there.

I'm gonna get a ring on it

by the end of this season.

You're back with Chet.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Last night was...

Mm-hmm, me, too.

Uhh...

Oh, sh... Damn it! Oh! Shh!

Shh. Please be quiet.

People are trying to sleep around here.

Shh.

Look at you, Goldberg.

A little early-morning hammock shopping?

August and I have had a very deep connection since day one.

- Come on. - You know,

we were actually awake all night, talking about Africa.

Wait, and you didn't sleep with him?

You are trying to close.

Oh my God, this is not a game, dude. This is real.

Hey, that's beautiful.

Why do you even care?

I don't. As long as your game doesn't get in the way of ours.

I can multitask.

All right, then let's make this interesting.

For me, I mean.

- Hmm? - Let's put some money on it.

You lock down one of these All-Stars, I'll give you my producer bonus.

That's really funny, but I'm not looking for your money.

Psht. Don't worry, you're not gonna get it.

It'll be fun. I enjoy a good train wreck.

Well, the train's not crashing, so watch out...

you might get run over.

Ow.

- You okay? - Uh... yeah.

I should've never listened to you.

After my little outburst last night,

America hates me, right?

Are you kidding? You showed a whole new side of yourself...

- strong, independent. - I'm American's sweetheart.

I don't mud-sling anyone.

Come on, Candi Coco?

Not exactly competition for Noelle.

- Okay. Thanks, mate. - Mm!

Oh God, I have to fix this.

Camera on Noelle. Now.

- Copy. - Hey.

- Hi. Oh, hi. - Hi.

Um, I... I just wanted to say...

I'm really sorry about last night.

I totally overreacted.

Oh, that's okay. I have always been a big Nicole fan.

It's Noelle.

Oh yeah, right. Sorry.

Rachel! Where is Rachel? Anyone?

Hey. I saw the numbers. Congrats.

You know what? Um, I need Rachel.

I need to talk to her right now.

I haven't seen her yet this morning.

Then do us both a favor... wipe off that suck-up smile

and find her.

Excuse me. Quinn!

- - Hi.

- - I don't know what

she told you to get on this show,

but Candi Coco is no superfan.

- She called me Nicole. -

And as I'm sure you know,

I'm the number-four all-time fan favorite on "Everlasting."

Ooh, yes, one of the greatest cruelties in life, Noelle,

is that there is no prize for fourth place.

Well, I'm Noelle. And I'm sure as hell

not gonna let some fake superfan steal my guy.

Candi's a liar, and I'm gonna prove it.

- Good luck with that. - Uh...

Jay! Oh my God, last night with Sofia, it was amazing.

Once she got past that I'm an international ballet superstar,

she really saw who I am.

I mean, for real, you know... inside.

Yeah, a lot of people have seen the inside of you, Alexi.

Hey, Jay.

- Hey. - What?

Hey, look, um, I'm going to an N.A. meeting tonight.

I think maybe you should come. Hm?

Why would I want to go and listen to a bunch

of self-centered whiners

complain about their lives, Alexi?

It's what I do at work every day.

Rachel. Here.

You got me a coffee?

What, are we besties again?

I have to talk to you after the meeting.

Okay, great show last night, everyone!

But now I want tits out farther,

dicks harder, and tantrums tearier!

Candi is popping big,

but Noelle wants to take her down,

so we have to protect our little stripper.

I am so sorry, but this entire season

cannot be your own personal Candyland.

That's true. We've got sick twists planned and...

If Candi pops big on "Everlasting,"

then we can use her to sell "Stripper Queen" straight to series.

So she cannot get cut.

Well, hey, you're in luck,

'cause the men are choosing at the Elimination Ceremony

tonight and Rodrigo

is actually into Candi, so he'll be safe.

Hey, you know what, I stopped listening halfway through that.

As long as Candi is safe, we're good.

Candi is not the problem... Alexi's the one

we have got to get him out of here before he crashes and OD's.

He showed me his Twelve Step wallet card.

- He's fine. - He is not fine!

He is fresh out of rehab and on two shows now.

Aw. Meow.

- - Look at you little pussies.

If we followed all the rules, we wouldn't have a show.

Did it just get handsomer in here?

Blue Jay? Jay Dynamite?

- Bobby? - It's Tommy.

What are you wearing?

This is called a suit, blondie.

Going for visitation rights with my son, in court.

And I am going to win,

and I am going to spend the day with my son.

And I'm gonna take him to the Golden State game.

He's a year and a half.

We're gonna leave after half time.

Maybe stay for the show.

I want him to see the Warrior Dancers.

Okay. Do you even have a car seat?

I'll get one.

Walter, uh, in props!

All right, let's do this!

Go out and get me some good TV!

And you, in my office. Now.

Oh, I'm sorry, but unless you've got another stripper

or recovering coke addict you'd like to force on me,

I have a show to produce.

Hey, come on. You have five minutes.

No. I don't.

- Hey, Rachel. - Hey.

Thank you so much for last night.

But do you think August is gonna think I'm a weirdo

for having bailed out on him?

No, trust me. August is fine.

- Hi, Maya. I got to steal her. Sorry. - Yeah. You look great by the way.

- Thank you. Hey? - Hi. I just need to get you...

- Hey. - Hey. So, are you as tired as I am right now?

You look very rested and refreshed.

Thank you.

- Guess I'm gonna... -

I'm gonna catch you later, okay?

Of course, he's your target.

August and I actually had something real

until you sexually assaulted him last season.

Okay, seriously? Come here.

Look, you may think that he's all crunchy and spiritual,

but he tried to expose me.

He threatened to sue the show, remember?

Well, he's not gonna do that with me.

Ah, of course not.

Just because you haven't seen that side of him

doesn't mean you won't. Hey. Rachel.

- Hm? - Wake up.

People are here for a million dollars.

That is a rougher game, and your boyfriend's playing it.

So look out.

Oh, is this you trying to help me again?

Wha... Why is that so hard to believe?

Because that's not what you do.

You know, as baseball great Yogi Berra once said,

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

Welcome to today's challenge

of "Hell or Spell."