The Ladies Man

Mrs. Ross! Good morning!

Students, parents, and beloved faculty,

it is now the time to introduce

a young man who we are very proud as, uh--

I am very proud to know

as the valedictorian of this class--

Herbert H. Heebert.

I am very glad that you choose me!

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

concludes our graduation exercises.

Ma! Ma! Oh, Ma!

Ma! Ma!

Ma! Herbert!

Ma! Oh, Ma! Ma!

Herbert!

Ma!

Oh, Herbert!

Herbert!

You scared me. I had to go get my coat, I'm sorry.

Just think, Mother, Father, today is the day.

Oh, I can't wait to go see Faith and discuss our wedding plans.

Just think, tomorrow, my childhood sweetheart

will be my aging wife.

I'll go get her and I'll be back.

: Faith! Faith!

Faith!

Oh, Faith.

Ma!

Ma!

My life is shattered.

The girl I waited for all my life didn't wait for me.

I'm going away from here.

From her and from girls. I hate girls.

I'm gonna be a bachelor.

I'll be alone all my life.

Pa!

: Why did this ever happen

to my Herbert?

Pa, Pa. Ma, Ma.

I'll never hum again.

Oh, Philip, look what happened to that child.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, my child.

Yes, and what can I do for you?

Well, I'm answering the ad in the paper

about the job and I just--

Oh, goody! Oh, goody, nothing.

You keep your hands off me!

Oh,bonsoir, you are the American for the job.

I love you,chéri.

What are you, crazy, lady?

I'm safe!

Oh, I'm safe. Oh, I'm so glad I'm safe.

I'm safe. You don't know what I've been going through.

Now, we might as well start with--

Oh, yes, oh, what's your name?

Mine's Katie.

Actually, sometimes people call me Kay, sometimes Kathy.

My real name, of course, is Katharine.

But it's so funny, though,

sometimes you'd never believe it,

they call me Katharine,

I don't even know it's my own name,

I forget to answer.

But sometimes they call me Katie the Cook,

that's because I cook here, besides a lot of other things

that I do as well. But it's so funny,

I tell you, when they call me Katharine,

lots of times I can't tell the difference

and I don't answer. But Katie I always answer to.

Kay, Kathy, it really doesn't make any difference,

you know how nicknames are. They're really very funny.

Because you can't ever tell

what a person's gonna call you sometimes,

even Katie the Cook. But then I--

Herbert!

Herbert H. Heebert is my name.

Oh, Herbert H. Heebert.

What's the H stand for? Herbert.

No, no, I mean the other H.

No, that's the same like the other part.

Your name is Herbert Herbert?

Heebert.

How in the world did that happen?

Well, I think it started many years ago.

As a child, I was very stubborn.

My mother used to yell

out of the window, "Herbert. Herbert!"

I never answered the first time, so it stuck with me.

Herbert Herbert Heebert.

I got a T on both sides and the middle is a T--

Herbert Herbert. Oh, well, I--

I got a pair of Herberts in front of my Heebert.

Well, that's a very interesting name you have there.

Now, uh, do you have any references?

Oh, yeah.

It was there all the time in the first pocket.

You wanna read this? Yeah.

"To whom it may concern: This is to introduce Herbert H. Heebert,

"a very bright, intelligent, smart,

"and cute young man who is quite witty,

"and kind and honest

"and works like a son of a gun, if he gets paid.

"He is willing, able and a swell kid.

"He does all the things that are expected of him.

"Besides, he's also very smart, and works like a son of a gun.

"And he will do all he can to help.

"He has the only respect that's highest,

"and he's cuter than anybody and smart as a whip.

"Besides being quite bright,

"he could be considered a swell chap

and works like a son of a gun."

When did you write that, Herbert?

Last night. I didn't have any, so I figured I'd make one.

Oh, that's nice.

Did you go to school?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Milltown Junior College, I just graduated.

Well, you don't seem very thrilled about that.

: I don't know.

That was one of the saddest days of my life.

Why, that's supposed to be

one of the happiest days of your life.

What happened?

I know. I know, I know.

Well, it's a pretty long story,

but if you'd like to hear it, I--

Oh, yes, I want very much to hear it.

Well, as you probably guessed by now...

I come from a comparatively small town.

Milltown, New Jersey.

Graduation day was beautiful and wonderful.

At least until I went to find Faith.

Faith.

Faith was my girl. Faith Templeton.

And when I saw what I saw

that was the moment I knew I hated girls.

Because there, right before my very baby-blue eyes,

was a girl with another person.

And then I decided that my life was over

and a bachelor I shall be.

Woe is me. Oh, Faith? Faith. Why?

That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

Oh, Herbert.

Oh, Herbert. There's just one thing I have to tell you.

Yes?

You've just gotta have faith.

What--? What--? Oh, Herbert!

Oh, Herbert!

Herbert! Oh, Herbert!

All I said was you have to have a little faith.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Herbert, all I meant was--

I'm all right now. - What's happening?

Oh, Miss Wellenmellon, this is Herbert.

And he wants very much to come to work here,

and I think that's just wonderful,

because he's very good and so nice,

and he can start tomorrow.

Well, Herbert, you certainly have convinced Katie,

and that's good enough for me.

You know the kind of a place I have here.

We can tell him about that in the morning.

Oh. Oh, yes. Yeah, that will be all right.

I don't really care what kind of place.

I just wanna work very hard and forget.

That's a very good idea.

And I know you're gonna like it here.

And you're gonna just love him, Miss Wellenmellon.

And if you don't mind, now, I'll take him up to his room

because it's very late and I'm sure he's tired.

Yeah, I was just yawning when she said that.

Well, Katie, if he's all right with you,

he's all right with me.

Oh, thank you, Miss Cellosmellow.

I'm gonna get my suitcase.

No, wait, just wait for me in the hall.

Oh, I'll take him up the back way.

We got one!

We've got one, all right.

Well, now, this is your room, Herbert.

Oh, it's very nice.

Thank you. You see, this was Miss Wellenmellon's

and Mr. Wellenmellon's home before he passed on,

and rather than sell it just because

it was too big for her,

she decided to rent out the rooms

and that way she wouldn't be alone.

It's a very good idea.

Being alone, you know, can be very lonely.

But at least with people around,

then you can be lonely with noise.

Lonely with noise.

Uh, well, you better get to bed and get some rest

because it is very late,

and I'll see you first thing in the morning

and then we can discuss your chores.

Oh, Katie. Uh, thank you very much.

I think I'll be very happy here.