I Hate Suzie

''I'll say this I miss you more every day..."

"Daylight, it leads me back your way"

"Falling" into my arms again."

"I'll say this"

I miss you more, my friend."

- "Okay. How old are you?" - 15.

"And what did you say your name was, sweetheart?"

Suzie Pickles.

"Okay, well, that's the last time anyone's gonna ask you that, Suzie"

"'cause you are gonna be a star."

Fuck off!

- Fucking... You're fucking joking. - "No, no, I'm not."

- "No, I'm not! No, I'm not! Yes!" - They offered it?

Oh, my God! I'm gonna be a Disney Princess!

Send me a confirmation email. Send it to me!

"Yeah, I'm gonna call you back in a sec. I'm gonna call you back in a sec. Ok."

Oh, sorry, Lorraine. Sorry, Kate. Hi, Lorraine! Hi, Lorraine's dog!

It's a beautiful morning!

Hello, little man!

Mummy is gonna be a princess. A princess!

Do you want some breakfast? Good morning, Pete!

Breakfast? Breakfast? Breakfast? Come on, come on!

Good morning, girls! Good morning! Hey.

- Hey. - "Suz, it's come through officially."

- "No way. You're joking." - Yeah, I just got an email.

"Can you forward it to me just so I can see?"

Okay, doing it now.

- "Love you, babe." - Oh, I love you too.

- "Never had any doubt." - Oh, don't be weird.

You're not gonna believe this. They offered me the Disney gig.

Are you kidding?

- I'm not. - What?

I thought there was no way this could happen.

- I know! - Are you sure?

I mean, is there paperwork? I... I thought that you were too old.

I know. Well, apparently that's the joke, but...

- Oh. - Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

Like, I thought it was all villains from now on, you know?

- Hello, superstar! - Wait. Hang on, hang on. Let's not...

- Superstar! - Suz, let's not tell Frank just yet.

Isn't it filming really far away and, like, incredibly soon?

Oh, wow! Okay.

Jolly good. Right. Uh, when does it start shooting, then?

Uh, in about a month. Oh, come on. Let's celebrate, let's celebrate.

Where's that bottle of champagne I got from the TV show?

- Bye-bye, TV! - Does champagne go off, doesn't it?

Well, we shall find out!

- Yeah, I dunno. Maybe not right now. - No, no. Come on.

- At 9:00 in the... - So I'm just gonna drink on my own?

Genuinely, I'm fine at 9:00 in the morning.

- Oh, my gosh! Okay. - Oh! Yay.

Sorry. Oh. Okay, Mummy made a mess.

- What do we think, huh? - I made a mess.

- When we make a mess... - I'll just clean up.

- we clean up! - I'll do it later.

It's fine. We'll just do it later. Silly of me.

Silly Mummy!

It's great, though. Hey, no, it's great. Well done. Great job.

Oh, my God! That's the cleaner. The cleaner!

Wait. We've got those people coming. Why didn't you cancel?

- Hi, Claudia. How are you? - I'm fine. How are you?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Shoes.

Okay.

Cob, can we just generally get things off surfaces so she can...

Isn't everything on a surface?

I thought that was Newton's law of things and other things.

- Where's the bleach? - Thank you!

Oh!

Suz?

"about how Boris Johnson summed up last night's..."

- Hey! - Hiya.

Hey, I'm Dory, assistant editor at 'Esquire'.

- Yeah, you won't remember but... - Hey.

I asked you a question from the audience

on that show 'How Come?' that kids' show in the noughties?

- Oh, yeah. Um, I remember. - Hi. Sorry.

- Morning. - The show, not you. Maybe you.

- Excuse me. - What's your name again?

Dory. Weird to call a kids' show 'How Come?' You wouldn't now.

- Yeah, I love your house. - Thank you.

I mean, it's a nightmare, but it's great.

Yeah, I haven't been out this far since I visited my parents.

Oh, this is Clive, photographer.

- Hey. - This is very, very cool.

- Thank you for this, Suzie. - Oh, yep.

- Belinda's on costume. - Uh-huh. Hiya.

- Harry on sound. - Oh, I thought it was just stills.

Yeah, but, um... Yeah, we'll be doing this vlog thing online.

- I can tell you what to say. - Yeah.

And we got Brian and Em moving things about

if we need things moved about.

- Christ! Ow! - Watch yourself.

And this is...

- Morning. - Barry.

- Barry. - Hello.

- I don't know what the fuck Barry does. - Okay. Oh, wow!

Yeah, amazing, aren't they? Yeah, we emailed about the dogs.

Well, I don't remember that email.

- Oh, yeah, I want to say... Natalie? - Naomi.

Naomi said that that was definitely an option.

- But, yeah, we'll play with it. - Alright, um...

- Yeah, okay! - Careful of the walls!

Oh, okay, um...

- Does anyone want a cup of tea? - Oh, yes, please!

- Tea! We want some tea. - Yeah, lovely.

Okay, raise your hands if you want a tea.

- Have you got any 'exspresso'? - Where are the other mugs?!

- How was... Oh, is glasses a good idea? - Yeah, well, they can't share, can they?

Oh, fuck.

- Fuck! Uh... - Yeah.

- That's basically what I thought... - Where's the... Where's...

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God! Out the way, out the way. Oh!

- It's okay. - "Can everyone listen to me?"

- "All this furniture out..." - Okay, there we go.

- I just wondered... - Oh, my gosh!

Whoa! Jesus Christ! Are you dyspraxic?

- Want me to take those for you? - No, no, no. They're really hot.

- But you're holding them. - Yes.

Okay.

4G isn't working. Can we get any wi-fi?

They just need another plug...

Why does Naomi keep calling you on my phone?

Um, I don't know. I think there's probably something wrong with my phone.

- It's been a bit weird. - Right, you...

- Suz? Listen, something's happened. - "Mm-hm."

You know?

- "Okay, can you not talk?" - Mn-mn.

There's a lot of stuff online saying you're one of a bunch of hacked photos going up.

"I think they're circulating on smaller Nazi sites."

- Sounds good. - Are you aware of any images of you and Cob

basically being... having... Like, of you sucking him off?

- "Laugh if you are." - Sort of.

"Okay, and are they photos that belong to you?"

- "Laugh if yes." - Can I just say yes?

- "Yeah." - Yes.

Okay, and what were they on? Say when I say it. Laptop? iPad?

- "Phone? External..." - When.

- "Sorry, sorry. Which one?" - Phone!

Oh, my gosh. Should I smash it? Should I smash it?

What why? I don't know. Shit. Maybe. No, no.

I, I sort of need you to take control right now.

Yeah, ok, I'm on my way to the train. I'm gonna come around, get everyone out.

Erm, no don't do that. By the time you get here, they'll all be finished.

- and I really have to speak to Cob. - They've announced who it is in advance

like it's 'Strictly' or something. Maybe it's bollocks

- but I think it's a brace-yourself thing. - Okay. I've gotta... I've gotta go.

- What's wrong? - What? I don't know. I just...

I'm just feeling a bit, um, not great.

- No, what's wrong with your phone? - Y'know it's doing something weird.

It was making this really weird sound like...

I don't... I think there was something wrong it.

Some upgrade I did or didn't do. I don't know.

But you might want to, um, look out for using yours at the moment.

What... what do you want Frank to do if he doesn't have his iPad?

I don't know, Cob. Pretend it's like the '40s or something.

Oh, oh, right, okay. Yeah, cool.

I'll just beat him with a switch and get him evacuated, obviously.

No, look, look! He's playing with the dogs over there. That's really...

Are they safe? Does anyone know if those dogs are safe?

- Right. - Suzie?! Suzie!

Okay, we've got lots of things to wear. We've got a couple of coats. This is the coat.

We have another coat, but this is the one for dog-matching reasons.

Where do you want to change?

Oh, it's so nice out here, isn't it?

- Is this where you live all the time? - Yeah.

Pay for it with the low ceilings, though, don't you?

Still, that's the dream, place in the country, place in town.

We didn't have a place in town.

I was so pleased to see you're still doing stuff.

Yeah, I mean, it's... it's a really good show.

- It's just, you know, it's so many shows. - Oh, exactly. That's what I say.

TV's not really my thing. Hi, Chloe!

Just wondering what we're doing make-up-wise.

Yeah, hair first and then we were thinking, like, a Cruella de Vil-y look?

It's quite horror-y, isn't it?

- Sorry, I haven't seen the show. - That's... Don't worry.

- I mean, how can there be so much TV? - There can't.

You'd have to tell me it's the best, best, best thing you'd ever seen

and even then I probably won't watch it.

Right, so you did this look back in 2000 and I loved it.

Have you got the wi-fi password, darling?

Oh, hang on. I've got 3G, so all good.

Let's have a look.

- What? What? - Excuse me.

What? What, what, what, what?

Hang on. Shh, shh.

- Chloe, what is it? - I'll show you in a second!

What? Oh, my God!

Somebody's made a friend.

- Oh! - Look at that.

I'm allergic to dogs, otherwise we'd...

- No! - Yeah.

Are you alright?

Yeah.

Listen.

Do you know...?

You've got great skin.

Thanks.