South Park

Dude, you were right cartman! Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat!

Yeah, isn't this fun? Just you and me hanging out, Stan.

No stupid Kyle around.

Man, I wish I could really drive this thing.

You know how?

Sure I do.

Well here... Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.

Dude, I don't think your uncle would want us driving it.

Nobody's gonna know, we'll just drive it around the marina real quick.

Look, if anything happens I'll take full responsibility.

Okay, turn on the ignition...

Awesome

We are not moving.

Maybe you have the parking brake on.

Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass. They only have... oh wait, wait, neutral button!

Ahhhh!!

Other way, other way!

Ahhh!!

Jesus Christ!

Stan, beaver dam! Very large beaver dam, Stan!

Oh dude.. oh Jesus..

Dude, Stan, you are in serious trouble.

You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy.

I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about.

What ?

Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen.

Okay? We were both at my house, all afternoon, playing tea party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail!

Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers.

Dude come on, we gotta get out of here!

With an eye on America and on today's events, it's South Park: Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker.

Crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton,

Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam.

Earlier today a break in the beaver dam, which protected the town, broke open,

trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives.

Oh my gosh, those poor people!

Tom, I'm currently 10 miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper.

We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions.

Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating.

Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?

We-we're not sure what exactly is going inside the town of Beaverton, Tom,

but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of canibalism.

My God, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?

No, no we haven't actually seen it, Tom, we're just reporting it.

Y'all done with your fish sticks, Stan?

I'll help you Sharon. Boy, that's just awful.

In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated.

That's right, we know whose fault this is.

Oh oh...

It's George Bush's fault!

Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!

George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al-Qaeda!

They've been secretly building beaver dam WMD's for years now!

Yeah, yeah! WMD's WMD's!

Mom, dad... they-they're gonna go help those people, right?

I don't know. You know, to me it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should have done something that dam years ago.

Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? I think this whole thing is really their fault.

Yeah, bu-but, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their rooftops, right?

That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is.

Dude, dude! Did you see the news last night?

Yeah.

You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Pretty funny?! Dude we did that!! That was our fault.

Hey hey, no way. We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay? That's their fault!

But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them.

Well they should'a gotten out of there.

Mabye they couldn't get out.

We did.

Dude, I-I just.. I-I don't know what to do here.

Ah ah! I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking you're gonna tell Kyle.

Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat.

He has his Jew ethics, while he whores his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!

Hey dudes. Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What did you guys do?

Nothing.

Heh, totally.

Hey everybody! They just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton!

Aww, crap!

Quiet, children, quiet. We need to hear.

At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break.

But now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... Global warming!

Ohh!

It now appears that.. all rumors of global warming were true.

We were warned this would happen, and.. we didn't listen. We didn't listen!

All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting.

Ladies and gentlemen, if global warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood,

then this is only the beginning.

The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen.

Excuse me, sir, but when? When is this going to happen?

My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but - we believe it may happen the day after tomorrow.

Excuse me! I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Dr. Marsh,

but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists.

Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?

ith all due respect, Cliche Descending Republican, the economy isn't going to matter the day after tomorrow.

Listen! Listen! We finished running the tests.

Global warming is going to strike two days before the day after tomorrow.

Oh my God. That's today!

We didn't listen!

Stan, get in the car! We have to evacuate!

We didn't listen!

Come on, come on!

It's useless, this traffic isn't moving.

Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam after all.

No Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our Earth, and now you've inherited our problems.

We didn't listen!

We did listen! Come on, everyone grab what you can, we have to walk.

Oh Jesus, here it comes!

Global warming!!

It's coming! Here comes global warming! We didn't listen!!

Come on, hurry!

It's right behind us!

It's coming the other way!

Go back, go back!

Everyone into the community center! Hurry, go!

Get inside, we have to close these doors!

Come on, we've got to board up that last window. Seal up all the doorways.

We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming.

Mr. Garrison, are you alright?

I'm in pretty bad shape. My leg is broken, and my left boob is leaking.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood.

I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now.

Shh, shh, we've got the television working.

This is a Fox news update: Global warming disaster!

Global warming seems to have struck, as predicted, in the Colorado Rockies.

All around the country panic and chaos are settling in.

Tom, I'm standing just outside of Chicago where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths.

Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over six hundred billion people.

Oh God.

This is all your fault, Jimbo!

Me?

Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around. You didn't even think about global warming, did ya?!

Can you believe it Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen.

Kyle, it.. it isn't global warming.

Huh?

Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.

How do you know that?

Because.. I know what did cause the flood.

George Bush?

No.

- Terrorists? - No.

- Communists? - No.

- Chinese radicals? - No.

Cartman?

Sort of.

Cartman flooded Beaverton?!