The Hard Times of RJ Berger

RJ, don't forget to take out the, uh...

What you looking at?

Nothing.

You're looking at pictures

of that Jenny Swanson girl again, aren't you?

Maybe.

Still dreaming of her golden skadoosh?

Dreaming's all I'll ever do.

Come here.

Cop a squat with daddy.

RJ, you're a Berger man.

And if there's one thing Berger men know,

it's how to bag chicks.

You want to know your problem?

You're aiming way up here right out of the gate.

You know what your grandpa Sam once said to me?

He said, "son, you gotta hump a few clunkers

before you can fondle a Ferrari."

Uh, dad, as far as my balls are concerned,

the wheel hasn't even been invented yet.

I wouldn't know the first thing what to do.

Well, that's the great thing about clunkers.

You can knock 'em up against a few walls,

leave cigarette burns in the upholstery,

and dump 'em in a ditch.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Don't forget to take out the trash.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I think a clunker

just pulled into my neighbor's driveway.

- Oh, that kind of Indian. - Yeah.

Yeah, she's gettable.

Well, you know, dad told me

I needed to aim a little lower.

He said I needed to hump a clunker

before I handle a Ferrari.

Well, your father has some nerve.

What do you mean?

Sweetie, daddy was my clunker.

The first time we rubbed nasties,

I was really thinking

about rubbing nasties with Jeremy Jessup.

Please don't say "rubbing nasties."

He was the star of the football team.

He was the star of every team.

He was built like a horse.

- All right. - Like a bavarian warmblood.

I need to get to class.

All that power at his disposal,

all that stamina! Mom!

Sorry.

All I'm saying is just be careful.

Sometimes you wind up liking the clunker

and driving it around for good.

For the rest of your life.

Oh, well, chop-chop.

Have a good day.

Oh!

Oh, that kind of Indian.

Yeah.

She's gettable.

You know who else is gettable, RJ?

Me, right now.

I even carved your initials into my hair...

Kanye-style.

Where?

You're looking a little far north.

Ugh!

Hey, maybe you could put in a good word

with the new girl.

I mean, after all,

don't they worship cows in India?

Hey, that reminds me.

Your mom is dead and everybody hates you.

- Um, hi. - Hi.

Uh, I'm RJ Berger.

Uh, I'm your new next-door neighbor.

Ah, yes,

you're the boy who's been staring at me

from the bushes in his backyard.

Oh, it's quite all right. I'd stare at me, too.

I stick out like a shite in tartar sauce around here.

Although I'd prefer to be eating that

to whatever this is.

Yes, I bring my lunch on Thursdays.

Duly noted.

I'm Claire, by the way.

I'm Claire Sengupta.

Nice to meet you officially.

Would you like to eat with my friends and I?

I think I would, actually.

This school is just... it's a bit intimidating.

I know, I know. It's, uh...

Kind of think of it like a minefield, you know?

It's like in every corner there's a different clique,

waiting to blow you to pieces.

- Oh. - There's, uh, the goths.

The theater geeks.

Defend yourself, scoundrel.

The nerds.

And, of course...

The jocks.

Who's the blonde? She's rather stunning, isn't she?

- oh, uh, Jenny? - Mm-hmm.

She's okay.

Uh, guys?

I would like to introduce you to Claire.

Mm.

Hola.

Mi nombre es Miles.

Claire. Lovely to meet you.

Hi. I'm Claire.

Uh-huh.

Bad move, newb.

Looks like somebody sat you in coach on accident,

but, um, we got room at our table

if you want to upgrade...

- Upgrade! - To first class.

Oh, well, actually, I'm fine right here, thanks.

"Actually, I'm fine right here, thanks.

I'm crocodile dundee!"

Oh, see, you think I'm from Australia,

but really, I'm from London.

Well, originally, from India, but...

Crikey! I got stabbed in the heart by a stingray!

Also Australia.

So you gonna ditch the dorks or what?

Or what?

Well, I know it's only my first day,

but, frankly, they seem a lot cooler than you two.

- Whatever. - Whatever.

Have fun, dances with losers.

Losers.

Close, but that's the wrong Indian.

And thanks, I shall.

Dude, you got across-the-street panini!

It's like somebody just handed you

your very own vagina-dispensing atm!

Or my very own clunker.

What?

My... my dad, he told me that, you know,

before I drive a Ferrari,

he wants me to hump a clunker.

Your dad wants you to bang a car?

No, no, no, no, no, he wants me to like, uh...

ho! Oh!

Okay.

Are you ready to jazz yourself?

Look at that.

Where do you come up with these things?

I just really wanted to apologize

for what happened earlier at lunch.

You know how boys can be.

That's very sweet of you, but I'm fine.

It didn't bother me in the least.

Well, let me say something that they should have.

Welcome. Thank you.

You know who you should really bone down with?

RJ Berger.

Oh, what a smashing idea!

You take the shaft, I'll take the balls.

Oh! I hope he doesn't mind

that we Indian girls have sideways vagi...

okay, chill, chill, chill, chill.

They're gonna think we're, like, perverts.

Want me to email you the clip after school?

Yes, please.

All right, be cool.

Just a clunker.

Chemistry, huh?

Bet your favorite element is indium.

Sorry?

Sorry?

Oh, right.

Can you keep a secret?

Is that an issue of excaliboar?

It's not just any issue of excaliboar.

It's the ultra-rare "return of sir loins-a-lot,"

written by Teeram Adonzi, drawn by...

Kristoph Linn!

I camped out before the midnight release

at Shaftesbury comics.

Camped out?

You're an excaliboar fan?

I'm not just a fan.

RJ, I dressed up as princess piggington

for the last six halloweens.

- Shut up. - You seem so surprised.

Um, only because

i'm the biggest excaliboar geek ever.

Oh, really?

Well, I had the excaliboar anthem

as my ringtone ever since I got my first mobile phone.

Kinda my biggest hero.

Oh, wow.

RJ, that is fantastic.

Yeah?

Thank you.

You're really good.

I've never shown that to anyone before,