Two and a Half Men

That is a very sexy woman.

Whose car is it?

My psychiatrist's.

Let's get out of here, Charlie.

You're not just going to leave me here, are you?

Here we are. Chez Charlie.

She's taking her clothes off.

Is this a great country or what?

You guys are so cute.

Right back at you.

Good, Charlie.

Keep hitting on the deranged woman.

Hey, Charlie,

you're a really cool guy,

but I'm not going to have sex with you.

Ever?

Deep tissue massage, pancakes...

If you had a TV on your forehead

and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect.

So you just assume

that if we were both interested

in the same woman, you would come out on top.

Of course I would.

What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid I'm going to hit you so hard

I'll be an only child.

Are you sure?

It's settled.

You're staying with us.

Of course, we still don't know

a damn thing about her.

I'm Joanie.

Hello. Hi.

We're going to go to Charlie and Alan's house.

It's a wonderful place

where those awful people will never find us.

So, Frankie...

why didn't you tell us you had a daughter?

Okay, guys, here's the deal.

I didn't want you to know.

Okay. I feel better.

I'm sorry. It's a long story.

We got time. I'm not doing anything.

Alan, doing anything?

No, I'm free.

I was staying with my grandma and grandpa who are really rich,

and they don't want my mom to have me, so they said she's crazy.

That wasn't so long.

Could we please talk about this later?

Okay. What shall we talk about?

Are you guys gay?

Isn't she something?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

Okay, here we are.

This is it, right?

One kid, no pets?

Far as I know.

Can I go look at the ocean?

Sure, just stay on the deck.

Okay, who has the first question?

Alan?

Thank you, um...

What the hell is going on?

Ooh, good one. Mm.

Here it is. I married a really rich guy,

and his parents always hated me.

I don't know, maybe it was because

when we met, he was on the road to becoming a US Congressman,

and I was just...

you know, on the road.

Joanie, get off the rail, honey!

Anyway, they were not happy when we got married

and they were even less happy

when we used part of his trust fund

to finance my recording career.

You're a singer?

Well, as it turns out, no, but, um...

...then two years ago, Brad died, and ever since,

his parents have been trying to take Joanie away from me.

So, the-the psychiatrist...?

Court-ordered.

They're suing me for custody, saying I'm an unfit parent.

Unfit how?

You know...

I'm not a lawyer, uh...

but taking a baseball bat to the shrink's Beemer

might not have helped your case.

Yeah, they'll probably spin that one in their favor...

but I was screwed anyway

'cause they were paying him to make me look bad.

That's horrible.

So, what are your plans now?

I don't know. I didn't think past

just getting her out of there.

Well, you know, you don't have to know.

You can stay here for a while

and figure it out, right, Charlie?

Absolutely.

Thank you. That'd be great.

I'll go tell Joanie.

Terrific.

We're happy to have you.

Okay, we got to get her out of here.

Charlie, she needs us.

She doesn't need us; she needs a lawyer...

and probably a new shrink.

Well, then, we'll get her those.

Okay, at this point, I think I'd like to stop

using the word "we."

Oh, oh, you're going to bail on her?

Two days ago, you couldn't wait to get her in bed.

That's because two days ago, she was just a crazy stranger.

And if I remember correctly,

you couldn't wait to get rid of her.

Yes, because she was a crazy stranger,

but now that I've gotten to know her, I want her to stay.

All right, Alan, but I'm warning you:

this girl's got a lot of baggage,

and I don't know if you have enough skycaps to get her to the curb.

What?

So, Joanie,

what grade are you in?

Second.

Oh, really? Uh, I have

a little boy who's in fourth.

So?

I, uh... I-I don't know.

I thought it'd be germane to the conversation.

Wow, doesn't matter how old they are, you still strike out.

You know, you are just as pretty as your mom.

So?

I bow to the master.

Hold on. Let me finish...

All right, I'm going to say this one more time real slow

so there's no confusion.

You can take your damn money

and stick it up your white bread, country club,

Tournament of Roses, liposuctioned ass.

Hi.

Hi...

Really? I'm garbage.

Uh, is Alan here?

Yeah.

Really? Oh, is that right?

Well, I got news for you, lady: the term is white trash.

Do you know her?

Nope, that's a new one.

Hey, Dad.

Jake, Judith, what are you doing here?

Alan, I told you yesterday

I was going to visit my parents.

Dad's having another colonoscopy,

and if I'm not there, I'll have to watch the video.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Yeah. I just met your brother's latest stuff.

Why do you assume it's his stuff?

What, is it yours?

No, but it's not his, either.

But it could be.

Says who?

Says your ex-wife.

Okay, I don't need to hear this.

Jake, honey, have a good time, hmm?

Charlie... behave yourself.

What about me?

I am completely capable of having my own stuff.

Hi, I'm Joanie.

Hey. I'm going to go play in my room.

Can I come with you?

Whatever.

If he can just keep that attitude for another 30 years,

he's gold.

I'm not afraid of your lawyers or your shrinks.

Fine, bring 'em on,

'cause you know what?

We're going to run away and hide.

Okay, now they're really unhappy with me.

Is there anything we can do?

No, thanks, you've already done so much.

I just hate to put you out like this.

Oh, oh, it is not a problem.

We have plenty of space.

Uh, you and Joanie can stay in my room,

and, uh, I'll bunk with Charlie.

You'll bunk with Charlie?

Hold on there, Pecos Bill.

No, it'll be fun, like when we were kids.

Well, okay...

but just remember,

this time Mom won't be around to hear you scream.

Why are those people here?

Well, they're going through a tough time,

and we're helping them out.

That girl is really annoying.

I think maybe she has a crush on you.

Well, yeah, that's what's annoying.

You don't really like girls yet, huh?

No, I like girls.

I'm just not into eight-year-olds.