LA to Vegas

_

Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot!

Oh-ho! Rock beats scissors. I win.

These aren't scissors, it's how many months rent you owe me.

I was hoping it was you.

That's not how this works.

This is my boyfriend, who called because he missed me.

Yes, that is totally the reason why I called,

but also this.

Is there anything you can do about that?

I'm sorry, I can't help.

Jackpot's official position is, "You do you. We've seen worse."

Well, if this is what I have to put up with to see you

for the next three days, it's worth it.

- It's probably worth it. - It is.

I'm so excited. This is your first time

staying in L.A. with me.

You finally get to see me in my element, outside of work.

And once I peel off these sanitary gloves,

it's all fun all the time.

You're not wearing gloves.

Oh, my God. I-I touched the bathroom door.

Can you believe this guy?

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

Ah, thanks again for letting Bryan stay this week, Bernard.

And, don't worry, we're barely going to be home.

I have a jam-packed few days planned. Look.

I have a list.

"Paddleboarding"? "Hiking to the Hollywood sign"?

"Yoga at Griffith Park"?

You don't do any of these things.

No, but they're things I want to do.

Okay, fine. They're things I want to want to do.

Look, this week is a big relationship test for me.

Bryan is going to see my real life outside of this plane.

I don't want to give off any red flags

that might make him second-guess our whole relationship.

Yes, like when I first saw Tristane

wearing flip-flops to dinner. Slide away, child...

I'm just trying to put my best foot forward.

Honey, I get it, but this ain't your foot.

A linguine tour? That's not you. I mean, look,

this whole list is written on an old Taco Bell receipt.

00 a.m. Taco Bell receipt.

They serve breakfast now, Bernard.

You had three burritos and a cup of cheese.

Breakfast cheese.

Hey there, passengers.

As we approach L.A.,

a little reminder... Next time you're in Calabasas,

stop by Calabasics,

the destination for premium business-casual ponchos.

Half blanket and half shirt.

They're the beautiful biracial baby of women's fashion.

Check out a sample on our model in the aisle.

How'd you like the plug for your store, babe?

Loved it. Next time, could you mention our new

Frances McDormand signature collection of shapeless apparel

for middle school art teachers?

Anything for you. I'll call you when I land.

Hey! Can I keep this?

It hides all my problem areas.

Yeah. Patricia has a such an eye for sensible coverwear.

- Hmm. - God, she's amazing.

Alan, can I tell you a secret?

Do not blow this, Alan.

Yes.

I think Patricia might be the one.

- But I thought the sky... - Is my first love? She was.

But let's face it, Alan, that's just stuff losers say

when they're not getting laid.

Ooh, I've heard that's a good book.

Ask me, did I ever read Joan Didion?

Okay. Have you ever read Joan Didion?

Ask me did I ever read Joan Didion?

Did you ever read Joan Didion?

No, I Didion't.

Hi, I'm Colin... and of course I did.

Colin, what's up?

That's the third woman I've seen you talk at today.

- You can't blitz on every down, man. - I know.

I'm just... I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more.

You know, I haven't met anybody in ages,

and I can't keep holding out for Ronnie.

Smart move. And I'd lock down somebody quickly.

British men age like that Hemingway quote...

"slowly, then all at once."

Ooh! Ask me, did I ever read Hemingway?

Do you want to die alone?

I think he's gonna... Oh, Bernard!

I was thinking, and you were right.

I want to show Bryan the best version of me,

but none of the things I planned were actually me,

so I talked to Nichole, and she knew exactly what I needed.

- A new bra. - Finally!

- Right? - No! The other thing.

- A dinner party! - Oh.

At my house? No, thank you.

Bernard, I need to do something where I can be relaxed

and confident, and I cannot spend the next few days

pretending I like going to those art zoos.

Museums.

It'll be small and tasteful.

I promise. Just a few friends that I want Bryan to meet.

All right, I will allow this party.

You may invite your gaggle of Kelseys and Callies

and other girls whose names pumpkin when they turn 30.

Yay! We're gonna have a dinner.

You still need a new bra, though.

This dinner party sounds great. What time you need me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dave, I'm trying to keep this separate from work.

Come on, Ronnie. Tonight was gonna be the night

I ask Patricia to be exclusive.

I want it to be special and in front of people required

to applaud because I'm their boss.

Okay. Dave, you're invited, but please do not do that thing

where you wear too much cologne.

It's not too much. It's too many.

I layer musk, citrus,

sandalwood, musk, musk.

Hey, Nichole. I waited all week.

Why have you still not responded to my e-mail?

I didn't get an e-mail from you. What did you send me?

A screenplay!

Turns out some of my juices are creative.

- I've written a movie. - Mm-hmm.

And, as a friend, I would like you to read it.

I would be honored. Send it to me again.

Do you have my right e-mail?

[email protected].

No. That's not my or... anyone's e-mail.

Email.stripper@Nichole.

That's even further.

I can't wait for you to meet my friends!

Callie works at this fancy Italian market...

...so you can talk about how everyone mispronounces

"mozzarella" or whatever.

It's actually "moo-tza-rell."

Can you just give me one minute?

Yeah, I got to wash the Jackpot off my hands anyway.

Nichole! Kelsey and Callie just texted me.

They're not coming. They both came down

with a case of greyscale.

That's a rare disease from a fake world.

What a terrible lie.

To be fair, it's the same lie I used

to get out of both their baby showers, but what am I gonna do?

They were my most interesting friends.

I needed them for cultured conversation.

Bernard, will you talk to Bryan about cheese?

I will scream at Bryan about cheese!

Wait, I have an idea. Colin? What are you doing tonight?

Funny you should ask. Some online pals and I plan

to debate who's the best Doctor from Doctor Who...

Instead, you should come to Ronnie's dinner party

and talk about literally anything else.

Oh, a dinner party. The modern-day salon,

as it were... A meeting of minds and mouths.

- Never mind. - No, no, please let me come.

I'd like to come.

Did I hear something about a party of dinners?

I assume I am invited,

because you can't spell "party" without "Arty."

Oh, I don't know, Artem. I'm not sure it's your scene.

Yeah, right. I only swam across two oceans to get to America,

so, yeah, I guess I'm not a very interesting dinner guest.

Okay, fine! You can come tonight, Artem.

- Did you say Artem or Alan? - Artem.

Okay, because it sounded like you might have said

- Artem or Alan. - It was Artem.

'Cause there's a lot of similarities

between Artem and Alan...

You know damn well she said Artem!

Okay, it's fine. You can come tonight.

- Yes! - You can all come.

Just figure out what you're gonna bring.

Well, we have our guest list.

- What are you doing? - Calling pharmacies

to see if they sell Purell by the keg.

I have to admit I'm impressed.

You have hors d'oeuvres, tasteful napkins,

and you showered and didn't just dump baby powder on your roots.

You see that, Bernard? I'm a regular Barefoot Contestant.

Uh, will you excuse me?

You-You don't have to drink Artem's wine.

- I've got fancy stuff. - No, it's okay.

It's Diane Keaton's new wine.

Look, there's a cute little turtleneck.

Hey, did you ever see Something's Gotta Give?

It's a wonderful movie about Diane Keaton's kitchen greed.

No, no, no. That's It's Complicated.

Something's Gotta Give is where she dates

her daughter's ex-boyfriend.

Oh, that is complicated.

No, no. It...

You know what? Just pour me some more wine.

- All the way to the top. - Good.

Hey! Welcome to my...

Bernard's apartment!