Steve Byrne: Tell The Damn Joke

- Hello, I'm Steve Byrne. This is my wife, Ok Cha.

This is our other son, Will.

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm going to introduce

the funniest man in the whole world.

Here, this is Steve Byrne!

How are ya?

Good.

Thank you.

Thank you!

How are ya? Good to see ya.

Thank you, thank you.

We're good, thank you.

Thank you guys so much, appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you all for making time. I appreciate it.

It's good to be back here in Chicago.

How 'bout it for Jamiah, everybody?

Awesome.

My brother, my parents. How 'bout it for my mom?

Who addressed you all like a Korean dictator.

So, let's get into this. I recently turned 40.

Let me tell you something about turning 40.

When you turn 40, you will hear this in your life,

and hopefully you will hear it the rest of your life.

"You look good for 40."

"You look good for 52." "You look great for 63."

You never hear that when you're young.

You never hear, "You look good for 19."

If you hear "You look good for 19," guess what?

You look like shit for 19.

You should never hear that.

I gotta say, I, uh...

I embrace that I'm in my 40s. I'm not gonna run away from it.

I know this: it's over. Over.

No more medium t-shirts for this asshole.

Naw.

Those days are long gone.

Saturday rolls around, a friend calls you up,

"Hey, we get fucked up tonight?" "No, we're not."

"What are you gonna do?"

"There's a two-hour 'Dateline', is what I'm gonna do."

I gotta solve a murder with Lester Holt this evening.

I don't want to sound grim, I don't want to sound negative,

but once I turned 40, I accept death a little more.

Like, I don't want to die. I want to live a long life,

I want to see all those "Star Wars" movies too, okay?

But... but if death happened to me tomorrow,

it's like, fuck it, I'm tired.

I'm exhausted right now and I just got to work.

People are like, "You look tired."

"I am. 40 years of this bullshit. I'm beat."

This is what I mean

about losing the will to live, okay?

If I have a large cardboard box,

I gotta take it out to the recycling garbage cans.

This box won't fit in the garbage cans.

I gotta go back in, I gotta get scissors,

I gotta come back out, I gotta break it--

You know what? I'd rather die

than break down this box, honestly.

Fuck the Earth. Sorry, Earth, not this week.

If I go to a gas station, I swipe my card at the pump,

it says, "Please come inside, see attendant."

I'd rather die than go inside

and see that attendant. I'd literally rather

get in my car and drive three miles

to another gas station

than walk ten feet...

I'd literally rather drive three miles

than walk ten feet

into your piece-of-shit place of business

'cause you don't have your shit together.

Fuck you, come see me.

You know where the money is, asshole.

You guys getting excited to vote for a new president?

(man) Bernie!

Tell you what...

I'd rather die than vote for any of these fuckers.

All of them.

The worst.

This is what I truly love about every election cycle.

Every election cycle, there's a member of the press

that will ask a candidate,

especially a male candidate, this question.

Now, the purpose of that question is to see

if the candidate is in touch with the common folk.

This is that question.

"Sir, do you know the price of a gallon of milk?"

They never know.

And I'll tell you why they don't know in a second,

but first off, to any man

that's gonna run for elected office, know this.

They're gonna ask you that question, be prepared.

Here's how you hit them back.

"Sir, do you know the price of a gallon of milk?"

"Absolutely not, no. I'm lactose-intolerant.

"I can't enjoy ice cream or cereal

"because I have a fear I'll shit my pants.

Anything else? Moving on."

Now, here's why a man

does not know the price of a gallon of milk.

He's married. He has a family.

And that wife won't let him go grocery shopping, okay?

My wife will not let me be responsible

for feeding our family for a week

'cause if I go grocery shopping,

we're eating Steak-Umms and DiGiornos

every day for seven days.

"Candidate Byrne, do you know the price of a gallon of milk?"

"I know a meatball DiGiornos is $7.99, I do know that."

"Right, the question is a gallon of milk."

"I know a 12-pack of Sunkist is $2.99, I do know that.

"I'm 40 years old and I eat like an eighth-grader.

Next question."

Now, when it comes to politics, I think some people are--

They just know out of the gates

when they're born their affiliation.

Some people, it just takes time, where you grew up,

your influenced by friends and family.

For me, I always liked a little on this side,

I always liked a little on this side.

Now I definitely know my stance these days.

So, if someone's like,

"Hey, what's your take on the death penalty?

"How do you feel about our presence in the Middle East?

What's your stance on abortion rights?"

Here's my take on all those and more.

I don't give a shit.

I could give a flying fuck.

None of that shit applies to my daily life, okay?

I don't hang with murderers.

I don't know anybody on death row, so I don't care.

The Middle East, they've been fighting for thousands of years,

we're not gonna change that,

and thank God my daughter is not old enough to fuck.

I don't give a shit. Okay?

Here are the pressing issues in my life, okay?

I'm ten years away from Centrum Silver.

My back sucks, my vision's gone,

my right knee's a little wonky,

my wife doesn't think I give her enough back massages.

I have been putting off an oil change

for 2-1/2 months.

Is my engine gonna blow today?

I don't know. Let's roll the dice.

These are the issues.

I think when you turn 40, you look back on the goals

you made for yourself in your 20s and 30s

and think, did I hit those benchmarks?

Have I accomplished my goals?

I think I've done some damage,

but I haven't hit my ultimate goal.

This is what I truly want in life.

I want "fuck you" money.

I want money that's undeniable,

you can just splash somebody in the face with it.

I want money that's powerful, you just sit down,

"Hey, you can't sit there." "What?"

"You can't sit there." "Oh, I can't sit here?

"Come here.

Fuck you!"

"Now pick that up."

We...

We've all been outside of a bar, right?

Your bouncer won't let you or your friends in.

One of your friends is so tanked, he's like,

"You're not gonna let us in?

You know what, you piece of shit?

I could buy this-- No! I could buy this place."

I always want to say that.

But I can't.

I mean, technically, I could.

It's like, "You're not gonna let me in? Are you serious?

"Just so you know, I could buy this place, okay?

"With a second mortgage out on my house, a...

"government-assisted loan, definite loan from my parents.

"I probably would not turn a profit for seven, eight years

"'cause I have no experience in the nightlife industry.

"I'd probably keep you on, you're competent at your job,

but technically, so you know, I could buy this place."

At my age, I will admit certain things to you all right now

that I would never tell you in my 20s.

30s, I might, but I'd err on the side of caution.

40, I don't give a shit anymore.

I'll tell you, as a man, I have had a cat boner.

It's always women. Women always say, "What?"

But most guys are like,

"Yeah, I think I know what he's talking about."

You guys know what I am talking about.

You go visit your girl or you're with your girl,

she got a cat, cat jumps on your lap,

you start petting it. "Oh, that's a good girl.

"Oh, you're frisky, okay.

You like-- Oh, that's the spot. I gotcha, okay, that's the..."

Cat's getting into it, it's like...

"Yeah, oh, o-- Oh, shit.

"Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

"Gotta get you-- the claw!