Ghosts

Does he not think there could be ghosts in here,

or does he just not care?

Clippings not even landing in basket. Is disgusting.

And that's coming from a man who just told a story

about ripping out a Dane's entrails.

This is a bathroom activity, man.

You don't do this in the main area.

What? Now, don't cut the pinky one.

That's nature's cocaine spoon.

Hmm.

At least it over now.

Oh.

Oh, and he's going for the foot. Buckle up.

Sass, there's someone out here who's looking for you.

Sorry, kid, that smoke break

took a lot longer than I expected.

Joan. Oh, my God.

Uh... wh-where were you?

-Where-where have you been? -It's a long story.

I'll tell you all about it, but in the meantime,

you just gonna stand there gawking,

or you gonna lay one on me?

Kiss her, you fool!

Aw, this is just like in the movies.

Ooh, we got a big boy. Timber!

Oh. What was that?

Just Jay's toenail flying through your head.

Oh. That one got some air.

Welcome back, Joan.

Well, it's a done deal.

Mayor Tad is now the majority stakeholder

in Woodstone.

So, are they technically a throuple now?

I mean, in the business sense, sure.

What about in the "doing it together in a waterbed" sense?

Not yet, but once you let a silver fox into the henhouse,

all bets are off.

So, what are these pictures for?

Oh, just a little press release

announcing my investment in Woodstone

and how I, Mayor Tad, swept in and rescued

a local business from financial ruin.

I was a huge supporter of local businesses in my day.

That's why I frequented Scores

instead of one of the big chain strip clubs.

So, uh, Tad, in terms of this

new partnership, how exactly does it work?

You just get on the waterbed, put on some CCR,

and don't overthink it.

Yeah, like, I'm planning on revamping the new spring menu.

Is that something you want to be looped in on?

Let me stop you right there. I want you

to keep doing what you're doing. I believe in you two.

Oh, that's nice. Stupid but nice.

Plus, I'm far too busy to weigh in

on day-to-day issues here at Woodstone.

Oh, I'm sure.

Being a mayor must be a very big and important job.

Exactly. Well, I'm off to a ribbon cutting at a dog spa.

Okay, Tad. Uh, we'll hold down the fort here.

Everybody thinks they can hold down a fort.

Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds.

There's flags to raise. There's cannons to polish.

There's horsemeat to ration.

It's-it's a whole, it's a whole production.

So,

there I was, on a flight back to the States.

Suddenly, turbulence threw me from my seat.

I flew straight out of the plane.

That's why I always sit in the center aisle.

Lots of walk-throughs, but better than

falling out over the Atlantic. (laughs)

You fell out of an airplane?

Landed smack-dab in the middle

of what I later learned was Mongolia.

Lot of yaks. Not a lot of direct flights back to LaGuardia.

So how did you get back?

I hoofed it.

Through the desert, over mountain ranges.

I thought of giving up many times,

but one thing kept me going--

the thought of making it back to you, Sass.

-Aw. -That is so sweet.

Yeah. Speaking of sweet stories,

do you remember the holiday rom-com that we discussed

last time you were here? Polar Opposites?

Yes, of course. It was set at the north pole,

it had two characters who were very different,

and one of them was named Jenny Polar.

Exactly.

Well, I actually banged out a first draft

and I printed it out for you,

so if you had a minute,

I would love to get a real screenwriter's opinion.

Oh, well, can't turn the pages.

Which is why I laid it out for you

on the floor of the upstairs den.

This woman is relentless.

-It would be my pleasure. -Great. (chuckles)

I'll rescue you soon.

Oh, this is a disaster.

Oh, I don't know, I read an earlier floor draft.

-I think it had some fun stuff. -I'm talking about Joan.

She doesn't know that I hooked up with Bela.

Well, in-in your defense, Joan didn't come back

when she said she was going to.

It's "lost at sea" rules. Someone disappears,

at-at a certain point, it's only human to move on.

It's like that movie we watched, Cast Away.

Tom Hanks was stuck on the island.

Helen Hunt moved on. She didn't know.

A-And Tom Hanks cheated on her with that volleyball.

-What? -No, he didn't.

Well, they didn't show it, but something happened.

You don't scream like that when a "friend" goes away.

I need to tell Joan about Bela.

No. You didn't do anything wrong.

If you tell her, it's just gonna hurt her.

That's true. I guess you're right.

"Wilson! Wilson! I loved being with you romantically!"

Is the subtext. Right?

I can't believe you guys didn't get that.

-Hey, Sam. -Hey, Mark.

So, are they in here? The ghosts?

Yeah, uh, there's a Viking,

a finance bro, a scout leader, and a hippie.

And a purple astronaut named Ronald.

Only you can see him, Flower.

Right, 'cause of the drugs.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm freaking out, Sam.

I-I wish you'd never told me about them.

You know, I've been driving home

every time I need to go to the bathroom?

Oh, you don't need to do that. They're pretty respectful.

Besides, you probably have ghosts at your place, too.

-What? -How that helpful, Sam?

I've been to Mark's place. There's a lady with no face.

Chimp attack. But maybe that's a "just for us" story.

-Hey, babe. -(screams)

We got to turn on the local news right now.

Okay, what's going on?

The mayor's in hot water, that's what's going on.

NEWSCASTER (over TV): Allegations are swirling,

the mayor used city workers to repair

a broken driveway gate at his private residence.

They're calling it "Gate-gate."

Huh, that's sort of clever.

I caught up with the mayor inside City Hall moments ago.

The allegations are false. I look forward to rigorously

defending myself at the next City Council meeting.

What about security footage showing the workers

on your property actually repairing the gate in question?

I'm gonna go with A.I., Jim.

Is that a toenail?

-It's a ghost thing. And what about speculation...

-What? -...you used city workers to build

a Playboy-style grotto on your private property?

What about speculation you were doing tequila shots

in that grotto with the Channel Five weather woman

at my Fourth of July party?

: And that is all from City Hall.

Yeah, I thought so, punk.

-Huh. That doesn't seem good. -Mm, nope.

But these things usually blow over, right?

Well, that's it. I'm out as mayor.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, no, it's good news 'cause I can roll up my sleeves,

really dig in here.

I'm all Woodstone all the time now, baby.

That not good.

-Oh-oh, well, great. -Idea:

replace the pavers in the front walkway.

Also, change the wallpaper in the entryway.

Ugh, this is gonna be most inconvenient.

And have the staff start dressing less frumpy.

Eh. On the other hand, some new ideas could be refreshing.

It's not a misuse of public resources

to have city workers fixing my gate.

If I don't feel secure on my property,

I can't sleep. I mayor poorly.

Thor like that. Mayor as verb.

How do you know about verbs?

But that's in the past. Let's talk about the future.

I've been doing an assessment of the restaurant

and the B and B.

With regard to occupancy,

it seems like half the rooms are perpetually blocked off.

-Yes, those are our bedrooms. You want guests

rolling through ghosts in middle of night? (laughs)

Don't think so.

On the website, I mean, it seems like...

can't even book 'em.

We prefer to create a scarcity.

That's sort of a business strategy.

It's like De Beers with the diamonds.

: Da Beers. (laughs)

: SNL. Ditka.

It's a classic. Nailed it.

Okay. Uh... Let me drill down, get a little more practical.

Jay, you mentioned the spring menu earlier.