Parks and Recreation

- WE NOW GO LIVE TO COUNCILMAN BILL DEXHART,

WHO'S GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HIS SEX SCANDAL.

- YOU ARE GETTING A RARE GLIMPSE

AT THIS EXCLUSIVE, GOVERNMENT-ONLY EVENT.

EACH DECEMBER, ONE DEPARTMENT PUTS ON A SHOW

THAT SPOOFS WHAT HAPPENED IN OUR TOWN.

PREPARE TO LAUGH YOUR ASNOV!

SID ASNOV IS A FORMER CITY COUNCILMAN.

SOME OF THE JOKES ARE SORT OF INSIDE.

COUNCILMAN DEXHART,

YOU'RE INVOLVED IN YET ANOTHER SCANDAL?

THAT'S CRAZIER THAN MAYOR GUNDERSON'S DOG RUFUS.

- YES, THERE IS A NEW ONE, AND IT'S A DOOZY.

I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE DETAILS,

BUT LET ME JUST SAY THAT IT INVOLVES MULTIPLE WOMEN,

A LOVE CHILD, NURSES, RABBIS, PRIESTS.

WELL, I HOPE YOU CAN ALL JOIN ME

AT MY FUNDRAISER TONIGHT.

I AM BEING SUPPORTED, OF COURSE,

BY THE GLITTER FACTORY AND 1-800-MATTRESS.

HA HA HA HA! CLASSIC.

- * PAWNEE IS A CITY THAT AIN'T VERY PRETTY *

* AND GOOD GOVERNMENT IS OUR GOAL *

- * WE MAY NOT BE BIG AND OUR MAYOR WEARS A WIG *

* BUT AT LEAST THE RACCOON INFESTATION *

* IS UNDER CONTROL

- * IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME

* IN PAWNEE

*

- LOT 48 WAS ONCE A HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING PIT.

AND NOW IT'S THE SITE OF PAWNEE'S WINTER WONDERLAND.

THIS COULD NOT BE MORE PERFECT IF I HAD PLANNED IT MYSELF.

WHICH I DID. AND IT'S AWESOME.

SO LET'S TALK SCHEDGE, GUYS.

THE KIDS ARE GONNA COME 00 A.M. ON SATURDAY,

AND EVERYONE'S GONNA DO SANTA FOR TWO HOURS.

SO I WOULD JUST ADVISE EVERYONE

BEFORE YOU GET IN YOUR COSTUME

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SO WE CAN AVOID WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR.

IT WAS JUST FARTS.

- 6:00 P.M., CAROLING WITH THE YOUTH CHOIR.

AND I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,

THIS YEAR OUR TREE-LIGHTING CEREMONY

WILL BE SIMULCAST ON INTERNET RADIO.

THANK YOU.

- THAT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL. - IT IS. THANK YOU.

- LISTENING TO THAT TREE LIGHTING'S GONNA BE DOPE!

- OKAY, ANY QUESTIONS, DIRECT THEM TO ME--DISMISSED.

- HEY, UH, THERE WAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

ON THE WORK VOICEMAIL.

COUNCILMAN DEXHART WANTS TO MEET WITH YOU

00 P.M.-- THE BOARDWALK LOUNGE.

- SHUT UP. - NO.

- I'M NOT SCARED. I GOT NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

I COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT HARDER ON HIM.

HE GOT OFF EASY.

AND OFTEN.

THANK YOU. I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.

- YOU GOTTA TELL ME ABOUT HIM. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

- OKAY, HE'S 23, HE'S KINDA MY BOYFRIEND.

HE'S GAY.

LAST YEAR WE GOT DRUNK AND HE TOOK ME TO THE ICE CAPADES,

AND I DIDN'T GET HIM ANYTHING.

AND HE'S GAY? - YEAH.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN DVD.

- NO. - FELLAS LOVE THAT.

NO.

- DOES HE ALREADY HAVE, LIKE, CHAPS?

LIKE, ASSLESS CHAPS? - YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT.

- OKAY, UH, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?

- BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW, THERE'S NO ONE ELSE TO ASK.

AND AT LEAST YOU'RE KIND OF YOUNG.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT IT.

THROUGH THE COURSE OF ALL DAY I'M GONNA MULL IT OVER.

IT'S ALL I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT. BUT YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

I'M GONNA COME UP WITH SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT. - YOU GOT THAT?

YEAH. THANKS.

- COUNCILMAN DEXHART, I'M LESLIE KNOPE.

- THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME. - IT'S MY PLEASURE.

I AM ASSUMING THIS IS ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE

IN THE GOVERNMENT FOLLIES LAST NIGHT.

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

EXCEPT FOR PERHAPS BEING TOO INCISIVE.

- I DON'T WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO TOLD YOU.

- WHO TOLD ME? - MM-HMM.

- NOBODY. NOBODY TOLD ME NUTTIN'!

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, BASED ON THAT SKIT,

I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THE NEW SCANDAL

THAT'S ABOUT TO BREAK.

WHO TOLD YOU?

WAS IT THE BABYSITTER?

WAS IT THE NURSE WHO DELIVERED OUR LOVE CHILD?

- WHAT? - OH, STOP PLAYING DUMB.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED.

I GOT THE BABYSITTER PREGNANT.

THEN, WHEN SHE WAS IN THE DELIVERY ROOM,

I HAD SEX WITH NOT ONE

BUT FOUR NURSES IN A SUPPLY CLOSET.

AS WELL AS A WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND

WAS GETTING A LIVER TRANSPLANT.

HMM.

NOW, WHICH ONE OF THEM TOLD YOU?

WAS IT THE LIVER LADY?

- WELL, I--NO ONE-- I HAVEN'T--

I HAVEN'T HEARD ANY OF THIS EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

OH.

- BELIEVE ME, I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THIS.

- OKAY. WELL, IN THAT CASE,

EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU WAS JUST A FUNNY PRANK.

- OH, HI. HOW WAS YOUR MEETING?

IT WAS FINE.

PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD.

SHORT MEETING. YOU KNOW, HE'S A BUSY GUY.

- YES, VERY BUSY. LOOK AT THIS ARTICLE.

NO!

WHAT THE--

- THE STORY OF THIS STORY IS THAT IT WON'T STOP DEVELOPING.

THE MYSTERY WOMAN WHO MET WITH COUNCILMAN DEXHART LAST NIGHT

APPEARS TO BE A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE NAMED LESLIE NORP.

- OH, MY GOD. OH, GOD.

- ACCORDING TO UNCONFIRMED REPORTS IN THE PAWNEE SUN,

THE TWO BENT AN ELBOW AT THIS LOCAL WATERING HOLE.

AND ALTHOUGH THEY LEFT SEPARATELY,

NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY WOKE UP TOGETHER.

PERD HAPLEY, CHANNEL 4 NEWS.

- ALL I DID WAS WRITE AND PERFORM IN ONE AMAZING SKIT.

- LESLIE, IT'S THE PAWNEE SUN.

IT'S A TABLOID.

NOBODY ELSE HAS WRITTEN ABOUT IT.

- YEAH, NO ONE BELIEVES THAT GARBAGE.

NOBODY EVEN READS THAT THING.

- LESLIE, WHAT? NICE WORK, GIRL.

OH, GOD.

HOW DO I FIGHT BACK? GIVE ME SOME OPTIONS.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO SEDUCE PERD HAPLEY?

HOW WOULD THAT HELP?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO SEE IF I CAN DO IT.

- APRIL, I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S SOMETHING

WORTH LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY OVER.

- LESLIE, I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS IMPORTANT OR NOT,

BUT I HAVE HEARD A LOT OF VERY, VERY INTERESTING CHATTER

AROUND THE SHOESHINE STAND TODAY.

OH, MY GOD, REALLY?

WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD? - A LOT OF THINGS.

UH, LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"

AND "THE PARKS LADY BONED DEXHART."

AND "OF COURSE SHE DID. SHE'S TOTALLY GOOD TO GO."

AND ONE GUY WAS LIKE, "I WOULDN'T HIT THAT."

AND THE OTHER GUY WAS LIKE, "ME NEITHER."

THEN THIS THIRD GUY WAS LIKE, "I WOULD."

SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S HELPFUL AT ALL.

- WELL, KEEP YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND.

OKAY. I'LL JUST--

- I'M NOT GONNA LET THESE PEOPLE INTIMIDATE ME.

I'M GONNA DO MY JOB.

I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID THAT I NEVER THOUGHT

I WOULD BE INVOLVED IN AN INCIDENT LIKE THIS.

EXCEPT I ALWAYS ASSUMED THAT I WOULD BE THE POLITICIAN,

AND THE MAN WOULD BE ACCUSED OF SLEEPING WITH ME.

AND THAT MAN WOULD BE THE VICE PRESIDENT.

AND I WOULD BE THE PRESIDENT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU NEED TO PUT SOME TIGHTS ON, THOUGH.

AND I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR NECKLINE

NICE AND HIGH.

- LESLIE KNOPE? ALEXA SOFTCASTLE, PAWNEE SUN.

CAN I ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS?

DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

- I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING, OKAY?

I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

I'VE NEVER EVEN MET COUNCILMAN DEXHART BEFORE YESTERDAY,

AND THAT'S ALL I WANT TO SAY ABOUT THE MATTER.

- SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME

THAT YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH A MARRIED COUNCILMAN.

WHO'S SAYING THAT?

SOME PEOPLE.

OKAY, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

- GO HOME, LAY LOW, THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT.

- I CAN'T. I HAVE TOO MUCH WORK TO DO.

THIS DEPARTMENT IS NOT GONNA DEPUTY-DIRECT ITSELF.

I THINK WE CAN MANAGE.

JUST GIVE ME YOUR SCHEDULE AND WE'LL COVER FOR YOU.

OKAY, I'VE MADE COPIES OF LESLIE'S DAILY WORK SCHEDULE.

SO WE'LL JUST SPLIT INTO TEAMS,

AND EACH TEAM WILL TAKE...

DAMN, TEN ITEMS... AND WE'LL KNOCK THIS OUT.

- I SWEAR TO YOU, I NEVER EVEN MET THE GUY

BEFORE LAST NIGHT.

- IT'S OKAY. I BELIEVE YOU.

- YOU DO? - OF COURSE.

I THINK I KNOW YOU PRETTY WELL.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU.

THANK YOU.

IF I EVER SEE THAT GUY,