Damsel

Where is that damn stagecoach?

Weren't they coming from the other direction?

That depends. You coming or going?

I'm going west, of course. Just like everyone else.

- Are you not? - No.

Going back.

I've done my time here.

Had it.

Why do you say that?

Oh... Well's run dry.

I come out here to spoon-feed religion to the savages.

Tried real hard.

Tried real hard.

They didn't want it; at least the ones I dealt with.

Hmm. Can't blame them.

We got a lot of Christians.

Don't need no more.

Have you ever seen a real-life Apache in the wild?

Yeah.

Cheyenne?

Yeah.

Shoshone?

No.

Comanche?

Yeah.

What are they all like? I've yet to see a single one.

Hmm. I don't know.

Some are lousy. Some not.

Just like everybody else, I reckon.

Why are you coming out here?

Uh...

Fresh start.

Uh...

Trying to put my troubled past behind me.

- How's that? - You know, it's tough times.

Tough times back home.

Among other things,

my wife passed during childbirth.

That's unfortunate.

Yeah. Yeah, it's plenty rough.

It's why I'm in dire need of a fresh start.

I hate to break it to you, but it ain't gonna be no better out here.

Things are gonna be shitty in new and fascinating ways.

Yeah.

Oh, Lord. To hell with it.

All of it.

Where's that goddamn stagecoach?

That's it.

Here you are, son.

Comes with advantages.

Holy Bible. Some of the scripture's missing.

Used it up on kindling and rolling papers.

Hygiene. (GROANS)

Good cloth. High thread count.

Here. Goddamn, where's that time at? Take this son of a bitch.

Oh, Lord!

Adios, amigo! I'm coming, Lord.

Here I come.

Oh, Lord. Oh, God Almighty.

- Can I get a pilsner, please? - All's we got is whiskey.

That'll be fine.

Well, thank you. (GROANS)

- What's wrong? That's prime rotgut. - It's fine. It's... It's just me.

Is you a pussy?

Um...

My stomach is from time to time.

Your stomach's a pussy?

- Guess that's what it boils down to. - (MAN LAUGHS)

I'm sorry.

I'm just messing with you, buddy.

- Do you mind if I...? - Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.

Obliged.

So, what are you in town for?

Just business.

Uh-oh.

- Oh! Another businessman. - Oh, well!

- Yeah. - Well, if you're interested,

we're having a gangbang social out back later.

Matilda. Oh...

Buck and a half a head.

Being new in town, it'd be a good way for you to meet folks.

Why, thank you, but I'm... I'm spoken for.

Maybe your stomach's not the only thing that's a pussy.

Maybe you're right.

Actually, I'm in town looking for a man named Parson Henry.

- You two gentlemen heard of him? - The preacher?

That the fella that was upchucking in the corner?

Yep. - Jesus.

You sure that's Parson Henry?

That's what he called himself. Didn't have that collar thing, though.

What's that preacher collar thing called?

I don't know.

Whatever it's called, it looks uncomfortable.

My Adam's apple's too big for that shit. Look how big it is.

That is pretty big. Look at mine.

Yeah, you got a big one, too.

I never liked it when a barber got in under there.

How big is yours?

Uh...

I'm not sure. I think it's about a medium size, maybe.

You don't know where I could find the parson this time of day?

Probably down near the shore.

That's where he's been ending up since he got here.

Well, maybe I'll take a look for him down there.

Much obliged.

Hope you're not looking to be saved.

Because you're going about it the wrong way.

Parson Henry?

Parson Henry, is that you?

My name is Samuel Alabaster.

Do you know who I am?

Yeah.

Did you get my confirmation telegram?

Yeah, I think so.

I've got it here...

somewhere.

There it is.

Why are you going getting all tight on me when you know you got a job to do?

Well, I just... (EXHALES) I just got a little tipsy while waiting.

Well, it's bullshit.

Pretty un-goddamn-professional, if you ask me.

Pardon my French.

Hi.

- All fixed up? - Nice and tidy, I guess. Thanks.

Don't mention it.

I'm docking it from your pay. Fifty cent.

Here's your $29...

and 50 cent.

You'll get another $30 when we're done

and that'll get us up to $60, as stated in the telegram.

- We're square? - Yeah, it's fine. We're square.

Morning.

Morning.

What's that?

It's a miniature horse. Her name's Butterscotch.

She's very rare.

Possibly even unique.

She's a living conversation piece.

Regular horses don't have names. They're just, you know...

regular.

- You didn't say we was leaving town. - Well...

Why did you think I was paying you so much?

- (COUGHS) - For the crimes of skullduggery,

skull thuggery

and skull buggery,

- justice is served. - (APPLAUSE)

Technically speaking, are we in Injun country?

Technically speaking, everywhere's Injun country, I reckon.

What kind of parson are you?

You know, just the regular kind.

I reckon I'm still a neophyte.

What's that, like a tenderfoot?

I don't know, really.

It's just a fancy word. Heard it being used in Baltimore.

Baltimore. Is that where you're from?

Yeah.

Never been that far east.

- Any good? It's fine.

Kind of like this place will be in 20 years, I'm sure.

Come here. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Good girl.

So is... Is Butterscotch, like, a wedding present?

Yeah. She's wanted one for a long, long time.

They're not easy to find.

What's your fiancée's name?