Joey

Ladies and gentleman, let's welcome our Miss USA contestants.

- God, I love beauty pageants. - Me too.

Really? They're so degrading, I mean they objectify women.

Come on, what are you talking about.

Look at the ham hocks on Miss Virginia.

- So you going out later tonight? - No, I think I'm gonna take it easy.

Between working on the movie and remodeling my new house, I'm exhausted.

It's nice to have time with my friends and family to just relax.

- I need $ 10,000 or some kids are gonna die. - What?

I volunteer down at the rec center for boys and the building is so run-down...

...the city's about to condemn it.

This could be a chance for you to touch the lives of some kids in need.

Hey, we can even name the place after you.

That could be kind of nice.

Yeah. Okay.

We'll call it The Joey Tribbiani Center for Touching Young Boys.

- No, we won't, no. - No, no, no.

It's a contractor from my new house again.

Hello. Yeah. No, that's not what I meant.

- You and Joey are getting pretty cozy, huh? - We've been getting kind of close.

I was just sitting here and he came and sat next to me.

Of course he did, you're special. You're holding the popcorn.

That had nothing to do with it.

Oh, yeah? Zach.

No, no, no, just please just do what I told you, okay?

God, remodeling a house is such a pain in the ass.

Why don't you hire an interior decorator? They handle these details for you.

Yeah, you're right, that's a good idea.

I'll start doing some research tomorrow. I gotta find someone really qualified.

I'm Candace Sherwood, a graduate of Santa Cruz State...

... with a degree in Interior Design.

You're hired.

Here you go.

How about a little toast to us?

Oh, that sounds nice.

Hello? Oh, hey, Candace. Yeah, come on up, it's apartment 7. Okay, bye.

Who's that?

That was my interior designer. She's stopping by to go over these blueprints.

Oh, the beauty queen?

Yeah, but not only is she super hot, she is very, very smart.

And we get along great. So...

Hey, Candace. Come on in. This is my neighbor Alex.

- Hi. - Hi.

- So have you looked at the designs? - They are awesome, yeah.

But I had a question about the screening room.

Now, this right here, just looks like a big wall. Where's the screen?

No, the wall is the screen.

The wall is the screen, Alex.

Wow, okay, you know what, I got something I wanna run by you...

...just give me a second.

So have you been in a lot of beauty pageants?

No, only one. A friend of mine wanted to try out and I tagged along.

Next thing I know, I'm in the finals.

Oh, yeah, been there. I went to my sister's audition for Miss Orange County...

...and one of the judges noticed me.

Next thing you know, I'm backstage operating the curtain, so...

Two pretty good stories.

- Hey, is Joey seeing anyone? - Why?

Well, he seems really nice and he's cute.

We're having a working dinner later tonight and I think I'm gonna make a move.

Okay, I found an example of the color I wanna use in the kitchen.

Do you think you could match this?

I could, but what do you think about something a little closer to this?

Wow, yeah. Well I like them both.

Oh, okay. What if we use mine for the cupboards and yours for the tile?

Or perhaps I could interest you in something like this.

And here's the rec center.

- This place is pretty run-down. - Yeah, but there's a lot of love.

So, what do you say, Joey?

Zach, you know I would love to help out, but $ 10,000, that's a lot of money.

Before you say no, why don't you meet more of the kids?

All right, hey, hey, everybody. Kids, look who's here.

Hey, it's Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days of Our Lives.

No, it's Agent Ron Stone from Universal Pictures' Captured.

In theaters summer 2006.

Joey! Joey! Joey! Yay!

You don't think I see what you're doing? I'm not gonna make a decision...

...on whether or not to contribute here based on some ego thing.

Oh, come on, man. Hey, hey, kids.

When I say, "Joey," you say, "Yeah!"

- Joey! - Yeah!

- Joey! - Yeah!

I like that one. All right, I'm in.

Hey, when I say, "Joey," you say, "Yeah!"

- Joey! - Yeah!

- Joey! - Yeah!

- Joey! - Yeah!

You are kicking my butt. I haven't won a hand in like an hour.

What am I doing wrong?

All right. Give me three cards.

All right, well, I guess I'll raise.

- I fold. - It's like you can read my mind.

All right, you ready? Here we go, let's do this. All of this.

- What the hell are you doing? - Abby's teaching me the vegan lifestyle.

The way our society treats animals it's... It's unthinkable.

So we decided you should have a meatless kitchen.

Give me that!

It is natural for humans to eat meat, okay?

We eat the cows, the cows eat the grass...

...we mow the grass, which makes us hungry for more cows.

It's the circle of life.

Forget him, he's hopeless.

You know, it's getting kind of late. Do you wanna watch a movie...

...maybe open another bottle of wine?

I would love to hang out...

...but I told Candace I would come by her place tonight.

- Her place? - She said something about blueprints...

...but I don't know, I think something might happen.

- No, no, no. You can't go. - Why?

Because we're still playing poker. Come on, bros before ho's.

Okay, but I'm sick of losing. If I lose another hand, I'm gonna go.

All right, we'll just find a game that you can win at.

- Okay. - Okay. You ever play Five Card Draw?

- Yeah. - You ever play Texas Hold 'Em?

- No. - Then that's our game.

I think your luck is about to change.

I'll deal the first one faceup so you can learn the rules. Okay?

- Great, I lose. That was fun, I'm gonna go. - No, no, no. Joey.

You win.

Why? I have a two and a four and you have two jacks.

Yeah, but two jacks is an awful hand in Texas Hold 'Em.

Why?

Well, come on.

Two guys with mustaches, wearing festive clothing?

That kind of thing is frowned upon in Texas.

It's a gay thing? That's terrible.

Who cares what a guy with one eye...

...and a guy with a knife in his head do in the privacy of their own home?

Yeah, but those are the rules. Come on, you wanna play another hand?

All right, I'll just play until I lose.

Boy, I wonder what happens if I get two queens.

Oh, yeah, you'll see.

These blood packets take forever to set up. What's it been, two hours?

Almost three. But don't worry, it's gonna look great on-screen.

Okay, finally done. There's just one more thing.

See this button?

Don't press it until I tell you.

- Hey. - Hey, Michael. What are you doing here?

I'm just looking for Abby.

- We're going to a protest tonight. - Can I ask you something personal?

- Have you and Abby slept together? - No. Abby thinks our relationship is special.

- She wants to take it slowly. - Yeah, that explains it.

The only reason you're into this save-the-world crap...

...is because you and Abby haven't done it yet. And don't feel bad.

At some point, every young guy pretends to be into something to get a girl.

- You don't know what you're talking about. - Really?

Sherry Rosenberg, ninth grade. I was bar mitzvahed for her.

Well, that's... That's just not how I work.

I actually do care about the environment, she just helped to me see how much.

Oh, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go chain myself to a bulldozer.

Oy vey , with the farkakt bulldozer.

I wonder what the red button does.

I guess nothing.

All right. I'm going all in.

Okay, I'll call.

- Man, you got three aces? - Yeah, but you still win.

- Why? - You have a queen without a king.

So?

- She's sad and she's hungry... - She's sad and she's hungry...

...so she eats chips. ... so she eats chips.

- Joey, can I talk to Alex for a second? - Sure, yeah.

You know, while you talk to her...

...you might wanna play a couple hands of Texas Hold 'Em. She stinks.

So do you.

- What are you doing? - I'm playing poker with Joey.

No, you're making up rules and you're letting him win, why?

All right, fine. I'm doing it to keep him away from Candace and it's working.

I can't believe you would do this, where are you morals?

Oh, please. You stabbed your last boyfriend.

In the leg.

Look, this isn't hurting anybody and I have everything under control, okay?

Oh, my God, I'm six hours late for work.

- Hello? - Joey, it's me.

What's going on? You missed your publicity shoot this morning.